rcj1@ihuxi.UUCP (Ray) (02/16/84)
I'm not sure this is the correct group to be posting this to but here goes. Yesterday I ordered my daughter (who will be 16 in Apr.), to stop going with her boyfriend. The reason being is that he is 22 yrs. old! This relationship started out as a "..but they only see each other and talk to each other in church.." type thing. So I didn't do anythin about it. (It started back in Nov. 83). However it progressed to 2-3 hr. phone calls; school attitude disintegrating and other type changes. I read a note from him to her which indicated to me that his feelings for her are a little stronger then just "I like you" type of thing. I know little about his personal life, except that he's been around. (license suspended because of DWI, the drug scene, to name a few). But people can change. The main thing I object to is the age difference. Mentally, I don't think my daughter could handle a guy of 22. She's gone with a couple kids here own age with no real problems. She's really a decent kid. She doesn't hang out with the wrong group. Although she need's to learn a little more about respecting her mother/father. I'm just wondering if anyone out there has had a similar experience? If so what were the consequences? I might add she was devastated when I ordered her to break up with him, and my wife is worried sick wondering if she would consider doing anything she might regret later... He lives in another town,approx. 15 miles away so they can't see each other except at church which is held 4 times a week. I imagine he's working on getting his license back so if he had a car then I'd have a real headache... I believe I did the right thing, do you? Any comments, suggestions??? Reply via E-Mail please... Ray, ihnp4!ihuxi!rcj1
saquigley@watmath.UUCP (Sophie Quigley) (02/17/84)
Hum, it is a sticky situation. Maybe my own experience might help you. When I was a teenager, I did go out a few times with some boys/men. My parents tried to restrict me, but they went about it completely the wrong way: they judged who I could and could not see simply on their age. It turned out that most of the times they were completely wrong. The young guys I went out with with my parents aproval were the one who tried the hardest to get me to have sex with them, they were also the one who were the rowdiest in terms of drugs, etc.. In fact, there was only one guy my parents completely forbade me to see (because he had a motorcycle) and he was actually the nicest of them all. (for the record, these reationships were few, but here are the age distribution of these relationships I am thinking of with me first 14-16, 14-17, 15-21, 15-15 17-19). Here is the effect my parents' restrictions had on these relationships: none (except that I never did get to try his motorcycle). I continued seeing those guys behind my parents back, and I continued to have sex with the last one even though my parents forbade me to when they found out about it (I was 18 at the time). It did do one thing though: it made me very angry at my parents because I felt they didn't trust me. My parents were not worried exactly about the same things you are worried about as none of this really disrupted my school work, but they were worried about me getting pregnant. People are different, but when I was 16, I had some pretty good ideas about what I wanted out of life (more than I do now) and I didn't get pregnant or didn't do anything bad because I (underline) did not want to, not because my parents told me not to, and I think that is what is important. I think that if I had children I would like them to feel responsible about themselves, especially when they reach the age of 16. It is hard to admit it, but they are becoming adults at that time, and they have to be allowed to make their own mistakes, but of course one has to watch out that those mistakes do not destroy their entire lives, so school, drugs, and getting pregnant are things that one has to very careful with. What I would suggest (take it or leave it) is to tell your daughter that you made a mistake (that should throw her off), and that you treated her like a little child because you felt she was acting like a little child, but that you realise she is an adult so you would like to treat her like one. You set your conditions: you want her to study at school, and you don't want her to get pregnant (be careful, the last one might be very insulting if she's got her head on her shoulders about birth control and sex). She gets to see this guy on weekends or something like that. Then insist that if she doesn't keep her side of the promise, you won't keep yours & you will treat her like a little kid again. She will either accept (what does she have to lose?) or she will tell you to fuck off. If the latter happens, Ann landers Jr (i.e Yours Truly) will take back everything she just said and will just go bury herself in some corner. To reiterate what I've just said, I don't think that the age difference is such a bother. I found that "older men" (they sure seemed like it at the time) were much more respectful of me and my wishes then younger ones. If you are worried about your daughter having sex with him, then what I would suggest is that she learn about sex. Contrary to popular opinion, I found that when I learned about sex, I got more scared about it then anything else. I did know everything about birth control though, and I did get to think a lot about how I would like to have sex and what kind of person I would like to have sex with, before putting all these things into practise. One book on sex and other topics, which I found very useful at the time is "Our bodies, Ourselves". I found it had the right blend of information/personal accounts (There is a chapter sympathetic to lesbianism though, and graphic pictures of childbirth, drawings of couples making love, and a chapter on abortion, so it is a controversial book, but I think it is very open-minded about the whole subject of sex) Of course, you might have a completely different attitude about sex than I do, so we might probably disagree on this, as well as on child-rearing in general, but anyway I think maybe my opinion is valid in the sense that I was a 16 year-old girl with nearly the same problems as your daughter not that long ago. Anyway, good luck. Sophie Quigley watmath!saquigley