unicorn@bmcg.UUCP (05/01/84)
I would like anyone in the situation I'm about to describe to send me suggestions on how to handle the lack of time for myself (ourselves) when both parents work. We have (a previously alluded to) demanding 8 yr. old daughter who needs much help with school work and emotional adjustments. I start work at 7 a.m. (by choice, as then I can get home in time to start dinner & still do my very necessary hour of Jazzercize), and my husband starts at 7:30...getting home, as most hackers do, whenever. Usually after 6:30. Fact: We must both work to survive, mentally and financially. Kim leaves for the school bus herself every morning. We set out lunch or lunch money, & breakfast is always on the table in some form. But no one is there to wish her the best during her day...or do all the intangibles I remember my mom doing. After school she usually (hopefully) does homework, watches TV, and entertains 2 dogs & 1 bunny. Still alone. By the time we are ready to help with homework problems or whatever, it's nearly 9 p.m. And we get tired and crabby too. How do you (out there in UNIX land) handle working all day and coping with kids at night? What in the world can we eliminate from our schedules? We can't quit our jobs, and when daily maintenance intervenes (dishes, cooking, laundry, etc), there is absolutely no time for anything but bed. HELP!
essachs@ihuxl.UUCP (Ed Sachs) (05/02/84)
**** **** Who says working parents have time to themselves? You're doing OK if you manage 6 hrs of sleep each night. Once a month or so, hire a sitter and treat yourselves to an evening out. And hire a cleaning person (I'd say cleaning lady, but that would be sexist) every two weeks or so (we rarely sweep ourselves). Ed Sachs AT&T Bell Labs, Naperville, IL
mark@umcp-cs.UUCP (05/03/84)
There is no solution to this, of course, but here is what we do.
First off, one of works only 25 hours a week. That person also
starts work at 6:30 and so is home by 1 or so to take over,
when the other one can go to work. (This is only an approximation.
There are complicated arrangments with nursery schools, car poolers,
unmissable meetings, etc.) The net affect is that the two parents
never see each other except on weekends, but the children
(one 2 and the other 6) get lots of parents, one at a time.
--
Spoken: Mark Weiser ARPA: mark@maryland
CSNet: mark@umcp-cs UUCP: {seismo,allegra}!umcp-cs!markpc@hplabsb.UUCP (Patricia Collins) (05/03/84)
Let me describe our routine (which still has some bugs in it!). 6 AM: Dad gives baby a bottle while Mom showers, then Dad and baby shower together while Mom dresses. Mom dresses baby while Dad dresses. (Notice the detail of the choreography.) ...breakfast, lunches made, 8 AM: and out the door TOGETHER. Mom takes baby to his Day Care Center. work...work...work/work...work...work.../play...nap...play 5 PM: Mom leaves work, picks up baby 6 PM: Dad leaves work, Mom feeds baby 6:30 PM: Dad makes dinner while Mom plays with baby (or roles reverse) 7:30 PM: dinner is usually ready just as baby is ready for bed (a Murphian Lemma) 8:30 PM: baby's in bed; dishes are usually ignored; bills stack up; some "sanity" time is in order (more hacking, personal correspondence, reading,...) Previous bug fixes/compromises: 1. Cleaning person(s) come in once every two weeks to do the heavy-duty cleaning $80/mo. 2. Baby-sitting exchange every-other weekend for 4 hours with another Day Care Center family 3. Dad uses the "extra" work time to run at lunch 4. Mom has given up exercise but longs to work out with Jane Fonda.... Proposed bug fixes: 1. Hire another housekeeper for twice a week to do dishes, tidying, and dinner preparation. ($120/mo?) One suggestion is that 20 minutes/day of VERY FOCUSED TIME with a child is very important. Think about what that might do if applied to a marriage! (Twenty minutes of focused time with your spouse EVERY DAY!!!) For me, that time is more important than anything else, so I try to get it in. Since you asked for suggestions, 1. Try to find someone for your daughter to be with before school and after school. Children need someone to talk to when they finish a day of school. Can you drop her off at a friend's house on your way to work? (You may have to find a parent who doesn't work or a family where a teenager is home in the afternoon. If you can't afford to pay for this help, get creative about "compensation"-- use of a home computer or recycling pick up or passing along paperbacks you've finished or taking the other child with you one Saturday a month for an outing.) Help her to establish a schedule where she gets up and has breakfast with you and feels like part of the family routine. This will do wonders for her self image. 2. Put your daughter ahead of dinner when you get home. Sit with her and share a bit of your day. Find out about her friends and her thoughts. Twenty minutes. If she has nothing to say, be available. Don't think that you must start dinner or accomplish something. Before long, she'll realize you are serious and take advantage of her special time. 3. Talk to your husband about working an 8 or 9 hour day. Ask him to help you come up with a solution to the time crunch. If he has frequent hack attacks, he can go back to work after your daughter is in bed. If he gets home when you get home, he can make dinner. (This was a very worthwhile investment in our house. For MONTHS I had to coach through the meal preparation, but now Dad takes tremendous pride in "his" style of cooking.) 4. Arrange for your daughter to have dinner at a friend's house once a month (and return the favor) so that you and your husband can go out to dinner. Patricia Collins hplabs
amigo@iwpba.UUCP (amigo) (05/09/84)
Both my wife and I work, and we have three children (all boys, aged 3, 6 & 8). My wife works at a shelter for abused women, and she has some very funny hours (funny odd, not funny ha-ha): Mon 8am to 4pm Tues 4pm to midnight Wed OFF Thurs 4pm to midnight (except that once a month it goes to 8am Friday) Fri Alternate weeks OFF or midnight to 8am Saturday Saturday & Sunday OFF on alternate weeks, the weekends she does work are either 8am to 4pm or 4pm to 8am. She also works more hours quite often (right now, one of her co-workers is in the hospital for gall-bladder surgery, and her shifts have to be covered). I work 8 to 5 as a programmer. The way we work it is that I do most of the cooking (my mother & father thought that cooking is one of those things that everyone should know; anyway, I enjoy it, as anyone who has ever seen my once slim figure can attest), we split the cleaning, she does the laundry (my wife works under the assumption that I would wash everything in hot water, both whites and coloured clothes together--do something just once, and you have a reputation for life, anyway, I didn't mind the blue underwear). We set aside at least 90 minutes a day for the children. This may not be from both of us together, but they do get an hour and a half of our (hopefully) uninterrupted time each working day, usually just after supper, and more on the weekends. We also try to set aside at least half an hour for ourselves, after the children go to bed. I usually watch less than 10 hours of TV each week (mainly Hill Street Blues, St. Elsewhere, Monty Python, 60 Minutes, Masterpiece Theatre, and the odd movie) and my wife watches less (she likes Dr. Who, which comes on at an ungodly hour Sunday nights, and she is usually too tired to stay up, also, it comes on after Monty Python, which she hates). It probably would not work for many people--after all, there are times when I do not really see Suzanne for a couple of days at a stretch, but it seems to work for us. John Hobson AT&T Bell Labs--Naperville, IL ihnp4!iwpba!amigo (NOTE TEMPORARY MACHINE)
saquigley@watmath.UUCP (Sophie Quigley) (05/12/84)
I don't have a child and am not even married, but I would still like to comment
on what has been said. I grew up a bit like kim except that I did have
breakfeast in the morning with my parents, but my mother was a very
consciencious teacher and she has always (still does) spent her evenings
marking papers. I don't really remember what my father was doing in the
evenings, but I don't remember doing anything with him either. I don't think
I turned out too badly. I remember being upset at my mother at times, but I
don't really resent her for that.
One thing struck me about your description of Kim's afternoons: why is she
alone at home? There is nothing wrong with being alone, mind you, but most
children her age like to spend quite a bit of time with friends. Doesn't
she have any? are you living in a place where there are no other children
her own age? in that case the simplest thing you could do to make things better
is to move somewhere where she could have friends close by. It is a lot of
pain, but I am sure it would alleviate the problem a great deal. Another
possibility is to get her interested in extra-curricular activities either
in school or out of school, where she could be with friends. There must be
something she likes doing better than sitting at home with her dog and bunnies!
This will mean extra work for you as you might have to drop her off and pick
her up, but you could probably arrange some kind of exchange with other
parents fo children doing the same things. Of course the initiative should
come from her and I don't think it is a good idea to push her if she doesn't
want to, but she might simply not have thought of it. I really think that
what might be the worst part of her situation is not that she doesn't see a
lot of you, but that she doesn't see a lot of anybody. As she grows up, she
will be more and more interested in being with kids her own age, so since
that is one thing you can probably arrange, it is probably easier to work on
that first.
I don't think it is a good idea to guilt-trip yourself in general and I don't
want to add to the damage other people have done, but I will anyway. Even if
Kim turns out right in this, don't you think YOU are missing out on her? You
haven't mentioned this, but it is important. Are you sure you might not have
regrets later on about the lifestyle you have been leading, you and your
husband? think about it now, because you do have a choice. Your husband for
example does not have to have the job he has. he could have another job with
better hours. It is really up to him to make that decision, but it seems to
me that he should realise that he is making a choice, not just pushing it off.
Kim will grow up pretty fast. In 10 years she'll be gone, and if you think the
first 8 years went by fast, just look out for the next 10 years! Even before
she leaves, when she becomes a teenager, she might not be too interested in
being with you anymore, so you are not going to be able to enjoy her for long.
It seems to me you should be really thinking about that. If you already did
then that's alright, but if you didn't then you're setting yourself up for
real trouble in a few years.
Hoping this will be of some help and not just more fuel for the fire.
Sophie Quigley
...!{clyde,ihnp4,decvax,allegra}!watmath!saquigleysaquigley@watmath.UUCP (Sophie Quigley) (05/14/84)
Dear Unicorn,
could you post your address on the net (or send it to me)? I wanted to
reply to you personnally, but couldn't because you hadn't signed your
article and our mailer is not intelligent enough to decipher what little
information is on the header of your article. Somebody else has also asked
me about your address because she would like to correspond with you, having had
a similar experience with her daughter.
Thanks.
Sophie Quigley
...!{clyde,ihnp4,decvax,allegra}!watmath!saquigley