garys@bunkerb.UUCP (Gary Samuelson) (05/18/84)
Quoting Col. G. L. Sicherman: My point was that you cannot help whom you love. If you hate somebody, no amount of wishful thinking will change that. And it's not good for you or your child to believe you love him when you don't. If you accept your hate, you can build on it. My wife and I sometimes hate each other (what couple does not?), and we always tell each other. Consequently our love is still growing. I wish more people would avail themselves of those three little words: "I hate you!" Now if you still want to avalanche by mail or news, go ahead! ------End quote It is not true that you cannot help whom you love. "Wishful thinking" may not change hate (or indifference) to love, but positive attitudes and positive actions will. It depends on whether you want to be the master of your emotions, or their slave. It also depends on whether you think that human beings are inherently valuable, as opposed to being valuable only when they do things that please you. "What couple does not sometimes hate each other?" you ask. Well, I'm sure the question was intended to be rhetorical, and that you don't want, and may not believe, an answer, but my wife and I never hate each other. We get angry or upset on occassion, but that doesn't mean we hate. If your love is built on hate, what happens when you don't hate anymore? Will you conclude that you don't love any more if you haven't felt hate at least 3 times in the last month? It reminds me of an idea which was popularized a few years ago, that couples have to fight once in a while to prove that they still love each other. If that's love, no thanks. Instead of saying, "I hate you," say, "I have a problem..." If you recognize your hate, you can analyze the causes, and eliminate it by replacing it with love. Gary Samuelson ittvax!bunker!bunkerb!garys
pc@hplabsb.UUCP (Patricia Collins) (05/23/84)
I have known a few people who had serious problems with hating other people (where the hatred got in the way of their healthy functioning). The stumbling block seemed to be that they felt so guilty about their feelings that they could not deal with them in a constructive way. I think there is a big difference between admitting to yourself how you feel and "accepting" (or justifying) you feelings without any attempt to change. For the people I've known who were stuck with hatred, there were two difficult stages in their growth. The first was acknowledging their feelings. (I'm not angry with my father for all of the times he ignored my feelings, after all he was doing the best he knew how.... VS. I'm angry! My father ignored me when I needed his compassion and understanding!) Then, the difficulty seems to be in moving passed the hatred. I can not go along with the proposition that any feeling/action is OK if it comes from the heart. If one can accept one's self and acknowledge one's feelings, one is free to change. The next hurdle is wanting to change. If the person doesn't get that far (assuming the feelings/attitudes/actions are "problems" for the person or for others), at least there is not the schizophrenia to deal with. If the person is free to see how his/her actions/feelings affect their lives, the path to change stays open. Enough psycho-philosophy! More to the immediate point, children are deeply hurt when they sense they are rejected or unloved. When we consent to have children, I believe we accept certain responsbilities to raise our children as best we know how. If I could not find it in myself to love my child, I think I would do whatever I could to find someone that could love my child and to foster a strong relationship between those two. There would still be deep scars (because the parental relationship is unique in most children's minds), but at least the child would grow up knowing s/he is lovable and loved. And no, I don't think it is OK for someone to just sit back and wait for their children to leave home while the parents mask or display their contempt.