hlb@loral.UUCP () (08/24/84)
I have just started reading this net and find it
to be an interesting forum for us parents.
I would like to say that, as a father of three,
I do not think it possible to apply any strict
and/or steadfast rules to raising one's children.
I think first and foremost it is important to
recognize that all children are different. With
respect to children being allowed to adopt their
own views, I think that this may be possible in
some cases. But, in other cases some children
need more assistance in developing the judgemental
process. I guess my point is that each parent
should examine their child and observe his/her
judgements early on to see how they develop before
trying to make decisions for them.
Sometimes I let my child make a choice or rather
ask him what he might do about something and then
explain what I think. It can be difficult trying to
reason with a five and six year old and it's out of
the question with a four month old but in the case
of the older ones I found I get better results by
talking with them not to them.
These were just some thoughts. Does any of it
make sense ?
--
{ucbvax, ittvax!dcdwest, akgua, decvax, ihnp4}!sdcsvax!sdccsu3!loral!hlbbarryg@sdcrdcf.UUCP (08/26/84)
(I'm a house-guest of this "user", and new to (i) networks as they aren't
extant in England for this purpose and (ii) UNIX editors as I'm a Multics
hacker. Apologies for faux-pas and typos are thus in order...)
I'm 19 and over in the USA for a two month holiday - discuss and don't
reply, I go back next week (sob!) - and I'm amazed by the attitudes exhibited
in this group. You're not alone; they are the self-same attitudes that I see
in magazines over here. There seems to be an attitude that parents "own"
their children.
I've recently (last year) left home and started university. As a result
I'm for the first time being exposed to people whose up-bringing is far from
my own, and spending time at the homes (during the vac) of both my current and
former girlfriends has rammed this home. When Sue's mother can on the one hand
know of and condone us sleeping together and forbid us to share a bed in her
house on the other, and where another person can have been on the pill since 16
and her mother still wants her to leave her bed-room door open, we're in a
situation where whatever values you *think* you are putting in your offspring
they are totally ignoring them.
My guess (and remember that my child-hood is probably a lot more recent
than many people here discussing it!) is that the only thing that will acheive
anything once children are past, say, twelve is honesty. The reason I think
this is that parents who are either judgemental or perceived to be so will
cause their children to project unreality to them - if your sixteen-year-old
daugther wants to sleep with her boyfriend, nothing you can do will stop her.
It's far better that you *know* and can keep it in control than producing a
confrontation. My main experience of total parent-child breakdown (a friend
who left home to effectivly live in a meanage a trois with one of his teachers
and her husband) could have been either prevented or attenuated had the parents
been prepared to *talk*, rather than exhibiting a total disbelief that the
relationship could, at first, exist and later be anything other than "dirty".
If you want to children to be honest with you, attempting to set standards
by coercion will be counter-productive. Up to, say, 8 or 10 then maybe, but
after this sort of stage unless you can lock your child up 24 hours a day you
have to accept that they will do what they want, and a supportive and honest
atmnosphere is going to produce better-adjusted kids than a guilt-and-sin
ridden one. Test yourself: your daugther (19 -> 20) comes home with male
and requests to share bed. What do you do?
--
Barry Gold/Lee Gold
usenet: {decvax!allegra|ihnp4}!sdcrdcf!ucla-s!lcc!barry
Arpanet: barry@BNLward@hao.UUCP (Mike Ward) (08/27/84)
[]
I don't see that demanding a certain standard of behavior is
the equivalent of expressing ownership of a child. If a child
wishes to be treated as an adult, then he/she should not complain
when adult standards are demanded. If a freind came to visit me
and demanded that I allow her to bring anybody into my home to
share her bed, she would very quickly be neither visitor nor
freind. When my child does the same, she will be told in no
uncertain terms that she (hypothetical, there is not she (yet))
is demanding what is not hers to demand. (Of course, if I like
the guy, I expect it would be another story).
While you don't own your children, you do own your home, and
need not be subject to anquish there by those who (presumably) love
you.
--
Michael Ward, NCAR/SCD
UUCP: {hplabs,nbires,brl-bmd,seismo,menlo70,stcvax}!hao!sa!ward
ARPA: hplabs!hao!sa!ward@Berkeley
BELL: 303-497-1252
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