ajs@hpfcla.UUCP (08/11/84)
Nf-From: hpfcla!ajs Aug 27 11:01:00 1984 > 1. Did you "always" want children, or did something convince you at > some time that it would be nice (or whatever modifier you prefer here) > to become a parent? We both knew that someday we would have children, but were in no rush. (Having children is indeed one of the few major, nearly irreversible life-long commitments. I don't know of any good way to make the decision except, ultimately, your gut feelings on the subject. Meditate on it, imagine it, feel it, then decide.) > 2. If something DID convince you, what was it? In our case, the time just seemed right, and in retrospect, so it was. Knowing we wanted to live the rest of our lives as parents in a family, and as members of a chain of generations, the question wasn't IF, but WHEN. And "when" was, when we were old enough, but not too old. (Obviously, a very subjective criteria -- as it should be.) > And as a corollary of those questions, this third one: If one half of > a couple wants children and the other doesn't (or doesn't KNOW), what > should be done? In our case we went through times when one of us was ready and the other not, and (amusingly) switched positions at least once. There was no hurry, though, so we waited until both of us were ready. My advice: If you can afford to wait, do so. People's feelings change over time. Now some digression... It's human nature to seek reassurance that one is doing the "right" thing. People without children are reassured by others who choose not to reproduce, and are perhaps made uncomfortable by peers with children. The corollary is surely true for people who do have children. I don't think either choice is "righter" than the other; it is very much a subjective situation. So how do you make the choice, and be comfortable with it? First, be aware of this basic irony, so as to take it lightly. Don't worry too much about what other people do. Instead, be sure that you can be comfortable with your decision. Whatever path you choose, make the choice conciously, and then have no regrets. One more point to consider: If you don't have children, you will never know whether or not you should have. If you do, you will at least have had the experience. I suspect that the decision NOT to reproduce is a harder one to be sure of! Alan Silverstein
woody@dsd.UUCP (Janet Hallock) (08/23/84)
I'd like to ask the parents reading this a couple of questions: 1. Did you "always" want children, or did something convince you at some time that it would be nice (or whatever modifier you prefer here) to become a parent? 2. If something DID convince you, what was it? And as a corollary of those questions, this third one: If one half of a couple wants children and the other doesn't (or doesn't KNOW), what should be done? I firmly believe that people who know they don't want children should certainly not have them. But if they're not sure? And their S.O. desperately wants a child? I'm asking this of PARENTS for a reason. I don't want speculation from people who've never had children; I have plenty of speculation of my own. I'd like to hear from someone with some concrete experience. Janet Hallock ...!dsd!woody
mark@gymble.UUCP (Mark Weiser) (08/24/84)
Having children is like your first high dive or kernel recompile. No matter how much you have thought about it, there is a leap of faith which can only be breached by commitment. I had always sort of wanted children in the abstract, but was never quite ready. My wife felt more or less similarily. Our first pregnancy was unexpected, and we felt comfortable with skipping that one (read abortion) until we were ready. But after a lot of talking, long walks, etc., we decided that was as good a time as any, and we would here and now make the commitment to raise the best darn kids we could (whatever that means). I'm glad we did. I'm now a very devoted father, and don't get invited to many parties because I don't believe in an adult world that excludes children. I bring my children everywhere (they have taught quite a few compiler classes with me.) There are quite a few graduate students at the university of michigan that shared an office with my first daughter and myself, and we had a great time.
elt@astrovax.UUCP (Ed Turner) (08/24/84)
The question is how to decide whether or not to have kids if one is not sure it will be "nice" or if one member of a couple is unsure or negative. I can offer a personal experience and my interpretation of it. Before my wife and I had any children, I was quite ambivalent about the idea, not opposed to it but not excited by it either. The actual experience of being a parent from the very beginning (6 years ago) has turned out to be one of the most emotionally profound, rich, and rewarding aspects of my life. Even the most routine and ordinary aspects of it seem important, interesting, and fun. I know quite a few others who have had a similar experience. The only comparison I can make that seems to touch the intensity of the experience is with "discovering" the opposite sex as a teenager (of course it is completely unlike that experience but about equally moving). I think someone who never has children is missing about as large a part of life as someone who never finds a mate. I believe I may understand why having children is so rewarding; this is my theory. People often wonder what the purpose of life is. Some choose a (seemingly arbitrary) meaning such as "making the most of myself I can", "living the kind of life God wants for me", "enjoying myself as much as possible", or "collecting as much aluminum foil as I can get my hands on". In fact, an unbiased outside observer would probably conclude that the main goal of life is reproduction; in some sense it is the only *imposed* *constraint* on existing forms of life. Thus we have been equipped by natural selection with a deeply seated set of drives, instincts, and genetically programmed responses designed to further human reproduction. These definitely include child rearing I believe. Babies can activate these instinctive responses and make what might objectively seem like unrewarding drudgery into a major life experience. Of course, not everyone likes having children (for reasons I find difficult to fathom). How can you decide if these parenting instincts will be strong enough for you? I don't really know, but it seems like one could get a clue from the answers to these questions. Do you have (or have you had) pets and do (did) you enjoy taking care of them? Do you like other people's children? Think they're cute and fun to be around? If you have nieces and/or nephews, do you dote on them? Try doing some things with children like babysitting for friends or getting involved with some sort of childrens' group or activity. Do you enjoy it? Enough! Good luck, Ed Turner astrovax!elt
mark@gymble.UUCP (Mark Weiser) (08/26/84)
Ed Turner, you expresses my feelings about parenting exactly. It is the most wonderful thing ever.
robbin@trwrba.UUCP (Robbin J. Brahms) (08/30/84)
I would like to relate the following to anyone that might have second Organization: TRW EDS, Redondo Beach, CA Lines: 22 thoughts about whether they will have what it takes once the child is here or before he/she is on the way. My husband and i were recently blessed with our first child, a boy 11 lb 3oz, about four months ago. All through my pregancy my husband was not overly exited or interested, except for making sure I was taking care of myself. Sometimes I would comment on this and he would respond that my maternal instinct was greater than his paternal one and he wasn't sure that he was ready to take on this "great" responsibility. Well I am happy to say that since the birth, he has found that his paternal instinct was just as strong as mine. He has enjoyed our son and now says he very glad that we have had a baby. He is very proud to carry him around when we go to stores, or push the stroller, he is very worried about making sure that the bottles are clean and anything we buy that the baby gets is boiled (if possible). Prior to us becoming pregnant, he had always enjoyed other peoples children.