arndt@lymph.DEC (01/04/85)
Boy does your case sound like I've been there. I agree with you about how hard it is to spank. No one has put me through the 'hard eyes' like my little kids when they think I have been unfair, as I have sometimes. Perhaps you've heard all this before but let me say what comes to mind. First each kid is different - profound no? But some you can beat with a word (so don't thing you are not 'spanking' just because you haven't picked up a hair brush!) and some have such a strong will that only your size saves YOU from a spanking! It came as a real shock to me that I could actually get them to back down when I a) roared, b) spanked. "Look, she DID it!" I suspect that kids (small ones - terrible two's) operate on a very elemental level. The world is their oyster! They have no trouble asking for more, and more of whatever it is that they want more of - now. My task, as I see it, is to draw them out into interrelationships with others and a sharing of life. I can only tell you what has worked for me. I have spanked upon occasion so that they know that I WILL if needed. It is the kiss of death to SAY you will and then don't. And kids will call you! Try (I can't always) not to spank when angry. Set the pace of the escalation yourself. Spank up front BEFORE you get all out of sorts with the kid. (It's hard!) Now by spanking I don't mean a beating! One or two taps on a padded part that's bare so it smarts. KNOW WHEN TO BACK DOWN. Don't box yourself in. I've had them work themselves up to such a state that spanking would be counterproductive, I feel. Then I sit and hold them and try to talk to them. Of course they will use this time to try and still get their way. But stick to your guns! I have spent the night wondering if they will still hate me (they SAY so!!!) in the morning. So far they haven't. As for not being able to argue with "Don't hit me because you don't want me to hit you" I think that there is a false idea in there, planted by the child which you have missed. If you were doing something wrong, beating your wife, robbing someone - you know, wrong things adults do - and your child were old enough it would be right for him/her to restrain you. Even if it meant physical restraint. What the child is really saying to you is, "don't restrain me physically if I won't listen to words". You and the child are NOT equals (in world knowledge, etc.) and if she hits you at that stage in her life she is NOT correcting you or keeping you from getting hurt. So hitting is NOT the same from both sides, I think. My eldest was asked in school, as part of a teacher's graduate research, "When your parents are mad at you do they still love you?" Out of about 20 kids my little flopsy was the only one who said yes! Bless her! Perhaps most important, whether or not you beleive in spanking (I believe EVERYONE does it, either with words or paddle) is to not let the barriers go up. More important to me is that we can talk about our feelings and ask each other why and expect answers that can be understood. The meeting's not over till they can look you in the eye!! (Doesn't always happen.) I keep asking them if they will take care of ME when I get old. The older one (6) says "no way" and the younger daughter (3) always huggs me and says "oh daddy yes". I told my wife it will probably be the older one who will remember to bring me in off the porch when it starts to rain. But ain't it fun? Regards, Ken Arndt