phil@ucla-cs.UUCP (01/25/85)
The following article was written by my wife for a news letter at my
son's pre-school. I thought it might be appropriate for this group.
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Why Children Do Not Want To Share Their Own Toys
I would like to share with you a few thoughts about parenthood.
Many times I find myself frustrated with my children. I have just
finished reading the book "The Hurried Child" by David Elkind, who is
a child psychologist. The book gave me some wonderful insights about
children's developmental stages which make parenthood much more joyful.
The author's major concern is our need and desire to push our
children - from childhood - to enter adulthood faster than their own
natural development. The book is filled with examples which demonstrate
this; however, I would like to write about one point that settled in my
mind for quite some time.
From a very early stage, we are eager for our children to acquire
social skills. We would like them to share their own toys with their
friends; they need to be patient, to wait their turn, etc. If we take a
step back and look at our expectations, we see that these expectations
come from adult levels of understanding rather then from a two or three
year old viewpoint.
When you want to create a safe environment for a baby who is just
crawling, it might be a good idea for you to get down on your knees and
take a tour of your house just to get the child's perspective. Well,
the same principle works for children's social and intellectual skills.
Let's imagine your child has his best friend over (these same
principles apply to siblings), and he does not want to share his
toys. What is really happening in this situation? Is he spoiled?
Selfish? Obnoxious? Stubborn? Or, is it just part of his appropriate
developmental stage?
Dr. Elkind cites this description:
"Children at this stage (two to six) also become attached to
objects and people. Young children are even more attached to
symbols than are older children and adults... The attachment to
and investment in symbols helps explain why it is difficult for
young children to separate from people and things they consider
their own... Children have difficulty sharing, not because they
are selfish in the adult sense, but because sharing something that
is part of the symbolic 'ME' is like sharing part of the self."
Children eventually have to learn about sharing, but these social
skills are a learning process, like climbing up a ladder going from one
step to the next.
I found that understanding this will help diminish the frustration
between parents and their your children, enabling all to experience a
more joyful time.
What can you do to help your child climb the ladder with
confidence?
1. Validate the child's attachment to his own toys.
2. Prepare the child ahead of time about a friend coming over and
sharing toys.
3. Tell the other child to bring his or her own toys so each one
will have an option to just play with their own.
4. Let your child choose ahead of time what toys he or she would
NOT like to share. Put these toys away and talk about sharing
the rest of the toys.
Asnat Gartenberg
Little Village Nursery School Parent
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submitted by:
Phil (Pinchas)
No Longer Tenured Graduate Student
Mathematics Department
UCLA
ARPA: phil @ ucla-cs.arpa
UUCP: {cepu,ihnp4,randvax,sdcrdcf,trwspp,ucbvax,ucivax,muddcs}!ucla-cs!phil