sidney@linus.UUCP (Sidney Markowitz) (01/28/85)
... I have never liked the idea of spanking as a form of discipline, as I have
strong unpleasant memories involving my bottom and my father's belt. Some
years ago, after having a child of my own, I got a different pespective on
my memories from talking to my mother. It seems that my father only spanked
me once. I recall the incident vividly, though I don't know how old I was
or what precipitated it. What I do remember is my father looking very stern,
his icy gray eyes, his removing his belt and my panic as I ran from him
around the living room, then up to my bedroom, finally to be cornered on my
bed where I sat whimpering as he approached. I don't recall being hit.
According to my mother, that was the first and only time I was spanked. My
father was so horrified by the sight of me afraid of him, running away, in
panic, begging, that he never wanted to put me through that again. I think
the actual spanking was only token. Anyway, he did get as far as loosening
his belt buckle a number of times after that, but that was enough cue for me
to pay attention and the belt never came off.
My views on spanking: At least in this case, it seems that spanking itself
was almost totally unnecessary. But I was at least five or six years old
then. What would it have been like if I had been regularly spanked since I
was two or three (which I have seen some parents do)? I probably would have
gotten used to the process and developed strategies to cope with it that
would have run counter to the purpose of the discipline. Certainly I would
have had less fear of being spanked. That is an argument for infrequent and
judicious use of spanking -- and I don't mean "only" once a month - this was
once in a lifetime. An even stronger argument though is this -- That one
spanking was enough for me to be afraid of my father - physically afraid. I
know that I never want my child to have reason to fear for her safety with
me. And for me that is a very strong reason not only to avoid corporal
punishment but to find ways to nurture discipline without any punishment
whatsoever.
Now for the practical stuff. As the father of an almost eight year old, I
have found that all theories go out the window when you raise a child. I'm
sure that is not news to the more experienced parents reading this, and not
fully appreciated by the new parents. The one thing that I am sure about is
that all my ideas developed through studying psychology and rearing a child
will have to be modified to work for my daughter at older than eight and for
any future children I raise at any age. But here are my thoughts at this
stage:
It is not worth it to try to discipline a child at too young an age. I have
seen a parent slap and scold an 18 month old in the supermarket. The only
thing the kid seemed to have learned was to ignore acute transient pain. At
least the child was smart enough not to learn to avoid reaching for pretty
objects -- I pity the infant who learns that. Children that young are
basically doing exactly what they need to do to progress developmentally,
and discipline could only have the effect of trying to teach them not grow.
So at the youngest ages, the idea is to set up the child's environment to
allow the maximum of safe interaction. Put plastic caps on the electrical
outlets rather than slap an infant's hand, and put them on before the baby
starts to crawl, so the caps aren't something new and interesting in the
environment that the baby will learn to remove. There will be plenty of time
to explain the dangers of poking things in to outlets when the child is old
enough to understand. Remove the child from things, distract the child,
substitute objects and activities, and if all else fails give up on the idea
of being in that restaurant/movie/environment/situation with that child at
that time and go elsewhere, rather than try to teach a small child to make
distinctions he/she is not capable of.
I have been revising upward my estimate of the age at which to move away
from the idea of shaping the child's environment and behavior and do more
"disciplining". As my daughter grows, it seems she gets smarter about
things, and there is less and less justification for me to force my will on
her. Now all my attempts to maintain the role of nurturer and supporter, to
act on the basic assumption that she is a good child and that her experience
should always be that the universe is basically supportive - all that seems
to be paying off.
Of course, there are times when I do "discipline". I'm not sure how often
these are examples of my theories breaking down, or my own fallibilities. I
have noticed that at the very worst times it has turned out that she was ill
and had a fever, or in retrospect I realized that she was very tired. So
when I am about to discipline, I now stop to think in terms of "Is there a
reason why perhaps she cannot do what I am asking her to?", and often I find
that is the case.
Even more practical: We very early on began the practice of reading her a
bedtime story. This was a natural extension of the bedtime cuddling ritual
that began as an infant, and which has been mentioned recently on this
newslist. One of the first punishments that we came up with for disciplinary
purposes was to take away her bedtime story. That was a disasterous idea.
For one thing, the punishment was not immediate. We had to say, "If you
don't do X then you'll lose your story tonight!" and then, if she didn't do
X and behaved all the rest of the day, she was punished that night, perhaps
right after hours of exemplary behavior. Also, we had the problem of what to
do when she still didn't do X, or if later that day she "acted up" again.
When one day I ended up taking away stories for four days in advance, I
realized that the whole idea would not work. Especially when I faced four
nights in difficulty in getting her to bed and to sleep without her normal
ritual.
We got an idea from her school (a Montessori nursery/kindergarten, then) for
a more effective form of discipline - "benching" or what has been referred
to as "timeout" earlier on the net. The very last resort is to bench her for
a specific period of time. This may mean going to her room, or sitting on a
chair near the wall, or staying within some specific area, depending on
where we are or the circumstances. In the car, benching will be being
absolutely quiet for the time period, since there is nowhere to go. The time
period and the conditions will vary with circumstances. The goal is always
to shape or interrupt behavior, not to punish. That is what makes it
different from the use of boredom as punishment as was recently posted. So
if she refuses to get ready for bed, she may get benched for five minutes
in her room, during which time she must be quiet, but may begin to get
ready for bed. Or if she has gotten very noisy and excited with a friend, to
an annoying degree, and does not seem to be able to hear me, I may bench her
for one minute of absolute silence, enough for her to settle down and resume
more appropriate behavior.
Some people have asked the question how do you get the child to go to the
room or corner or whatever and stay there. After trying to carry a screaming
kid to her room to be benched and holding the door closed, I realized that
wasn't achieving anything except proving to my daughter that she could
always choose to fight for as long as she wanted to if she preferred that to
what I was telling her to do. So I utilize what has seemed to work best for
discipline -- benching. She has to bench herself. That way there is no
contest of wills. And the penalty for not benching herself is being benched.
In practical terms, it goes something like this:
"Saana, your benched for five minutes in your room, starting now. Go up to
your room."
"No." (or actions to that effect)
"6 minutes"
... a few seconds later ...
"7 minutes"
"But Daddy..."
"8 minutes"
She very quickly gets the idea, and the prospect of a whole day of being
benched is sufficient to get her to bench herself before more than a couple
of minutes have been added. By the way, if what is going on is that she is
overtired or overexcited, I may start the benching at 1 minute, with the
expectation that it will take a few raises to get her attention. I never
want to give a punishment that I don't really want to deliver.
Extending the benching time is also the punishment for unbenching herself
before the time is up. And I use a stopwatch. The idea is to make it as far
removed as possible from any ideas of vindictiveness, punishment against
her, arbitrariness, etc.
There is one vestige of the bedtime story as discipline that we still use.
When it is bedtime, we may give Saana a certain number of minutes to be
ready for bed, and any time past that is subtracted for her story time, and
any time she beats the deadline is added to it. This is equivalent to
setting a specific lights-out time, but she hasn't quite got that idea.
Sometimes she will ask us to "give her minutes", meaning a certain number of
minutes to get ready for bed. If the number we give her is too generous, she
will ask for a smaller number, as if she likes showing off that she can meet
the challenge. I try very hard to make sure that she gets at least one
minute of story no matter what, since I don't like eliminating the ritual,
and stopping after one page seems sufficient consequence. Even that isn't
presented as "punishment" so much as the natural result of doing whatever
she was doing instead of getting in bed in time for more story.
I hope the ramblings of one parent prove to be useful to others on the net.
I would like to ask for any advice and experience on a new set of situations
that we are experiencing. I am newly divorced, and that has brought up the
problems of answering Saana's questions about why and how and what, her
resentment of my ex-wife's new boyfriend, my dealing with that when I resent
him too, the questions of discipline and decisions and raising a child in
two households. Any support from you out in net-land would be appreciated.
Thanks --
Sidney Markowitz
usenet: (let me know what to tell people, since I am new to usenet -
The last part is linus!sidney, perhaps genrad!linus!sidney?
or decvax!genrad!linus!sidney?)
arapanet: sidney%oz@mit-mc.arpa