peg@linus.UUCP (Margaret E. Craft) (02/01/85)
I liked the quote someone added to their closing, by (I think) G. B. Shaw, which, papaphrased, said that the only time you should ever strike a child was in anger. TO do so in "cold blood" is completely unacceptable. I agree, in the sense that I plan (yes, I know, plans change) to never use a "formal spanking" as a means of punishment. So far, witha two year old, the most physical I"ve become is to grab her arm to get her attention. I suspect I would find myslef swatting her clothed bottom in certain situations, for basically the same reason - to get her attention, or to tell her more quickly than I could in words, that whatever she is doing or was about to do is wrong/dangerous/whatever. I agree with the argument that you can't teach anything useful with pain, and that hitting is wrong no matter who is hitting whom. OK, so now, you ask, what works instead. Well, here's another vote for the "time-out" method. No need to go into detail - everyone has their own fine touches, but the basic metod has been well described here. But I find that I seldom even need that. Instead, I talk and listen, a lot. If my 2 year old refuses to do something, she usually has a reason for it. If I take the time to think and ask and listen, I can usually find out what that is. If it's reasonable (and it often is), thenwe can find a compromise. Often it's a case of misunderstanding - either she misunderstod what I was saying, or I misunderstood her reaction. Examples available upon request. Second method - avoidance. Two year olds are going to end up head-to-head with you enough times - if you can outsmart them and keep it from happening, do so. THis doesn't mean tricking them, just staying one step ahead of them. If you know that she's gotten into a habit of saying NO to bath time, don't ask/tell her about it in a way that gives her the opening. Instead, get the water ready and have one of her favorite toys go begging her for a bath. Whatever. WHich leads to Third point: a bit of imagination and humor goes a LONG way. When you get the 2 year old NO, you may be tempted to react in a similar tone. COme on. Youre sposed to be the adult. Example: tired 2 year old putting on pajamas says NO when zipper is about the be pulled up. Why? No reason. Just a reaction. One parent's reaction would be anger/ annoyance and a heavy handed reply and forced zipper pulling.. That shows the kid who's in control, right? My reaction - took otter puppet that was close at hand and let HIM pull up the zipper. Reulst - a giggle from the 2 year old and a happy bed time. So, am I spoiling the kid? I think not. Just trying to teach her alternate forms of handling the world. Same with getting her to go the the sitters on days she'd rather stay home (i'm on maternity leave with #2). You might call it bribery, but I call it gettng her to focus on what's good about going to "auntie's house" - getting to check the mailbox, or taking a new puzzle to show her friends, or, on really extreme days, getting a treat (like raisins) to eat in the car... ANd I also wanted to support an earlier comment, that the worst times often turn out, in retorspect, to be first signs of sickness. The only bad day I had with the 2 year old accepting the baby came the day before diagnosing an ear infection. IN summary - what to do instead of spanking: timeouts, talking/listening, imagination/humor Ask me again in two years and I may have a whole 'nother theory, but so far, this has worked well...