regard@ttidcc.UUCP (Adrienne Regard) (02/20/86)
I am a parent (and was a kid, wwwwaaaaayyyy back when). I got smacked a few times when I was a kid, and I've smacked my own a few times. The reason I use the word "smacked" is because I think you need to define "spanking". Obviously, there is, at one end of the continuum, severe beating. At the other, there is a playful swat on the diapers that might even be part of a game. Obviously you are talking about the vast grey area between. I don't make it a practice to threaten a spanking, and then subsequently sit down with a long face, and require the child to lower his/er pants and bend over, ready to receive the proscribed punishment. I think this is harsh, and places the parent in an untennable authoritative role. So I don't do this. (ritual spank) I will, however, smack my kid across the derriere when I've finally lost my temper (usually, when I've told him/er something repeatedly and they continue to go against what I've said). I don't hit hard, either. But since it is an expression of frustration, I do hit fast. It get's their attention (which is what it really should do). (frustration spank) Now, the ritual spank (above), might give the kid more time to consider his/er "wrongdoing", and if the wrongdoing is a significant problem (stealing, fer instance), that time might be a good thing. However, I don't think parents should be perceived as someone "above" the kid, who metes out "proper" punishment. I prefer to handle the punishment for significant wrongdoing in other ways. In the frustration spank, the kid learns that there is an end to mom's patience (just like everybody else). It doesn't hurt, but it does haul them up short from whatever behaviour they were practicing. I think the kid is encouraged to see mom/dad as another person in this context. Now before you flame me, I'm not suggesting that kids learn that hitting "other people" is o.k., from good old mom and dad. These swats are accompanied by (usually shouted) information on why the behaviour they are practicing is unacceptable. Hopefully, they are learning about the behaviour, not about the spanking. I can't guarantee that, of course. I do know that, when my kid is asked by her friends if she gets spanked, she says "no", probably because (a) she doesn't categorize frustration spanks as "spankings" and/or (b) because it happens very rarely. Anyway, my experience from childhood would indicate that my relationship with my folks was not harmed by frustration spanks, and I expect that my relationship with my kids won't be either. I've no idea why parent books _uniformly_ condemn spanking. However, I also am unclear as to which kind(s) of spanking they are referring to. They may figure it's just a good subject to avoid, since people are likely to go overboard if the books appear to condone something. (You don't see any of these books giving you the green light to encourage your child to overeat, either, do you? They all universally say "don't worry" if your kid appears not to be hungry. Same type of thing. If they said "12 oz. is normal" some ditz somewhere would attempt to forcefeed 12 oz. where only 6 were wanted.) -- Adrienne Regard "I don't know if I'm reasonable, but I am right."