marks@yogi.DEC (02/10/86)
6 1/2 years ago, when my husband and I were still only living together (we have been married since October of 1980), his ex-wife "donated" to us, lock stock and barrel, his four kids, then ages 13, 11, 9, and 8. My kids, then ages 6 and 9, lived with us already. The new life situation happened suddenly, over the course of a weekend I believe, and without recourse. She simply decided she did not want the kids any more, and that we had to take them. They had had a really terrible life by "normal" standards, and all the belongings the 4 of them had, including clothes, toys, furniture, and all earthly possessions, arrived with them in a green plastic trash bag. To make a long story short, the last 6 1/2 years have been fraught with frustration, guilt, anger, all permutations and combinations of family, couple, and individual therapy, and a lot of grey hair. Although my husband has now been divorced from his ex-wife for 14 years, she is so furious with him over that that it has recently come out she has perpetually and continually told her kids terrible things about my husband (and me, although I didn't even know him when he was married to her, nor had I ever met her when she decided to place her kids in my hands). This has come to the fore because my husband's youngest child, a boy who is almost 15, is now fighting a terrible chronic depression, for which he is being treated medically, and for which there are all kinds of reasons. The Brady Bunch this is not... I don't expect anyone to reply with pat solutions. However, has anyone else ever been in a situation like this and how have you handled it? (My children are well adjusted teenagers, by the way. But we have had nothing by trouble with my husband's kids.) Also, the natural mother sees her children as infrequently as possible, often making arrangements to see them and then canceling at the last minute. However, they idolize her, putting her on a pedestal and fantasizing about the wonderful life they were dragged (presumably by the wicked stepmother, me) away from. I have encouraged this woman to see her children more often (she lives about 45 minutes away). I have tried to strike up a working acquaintance with her for the sake of the kids. Nothing seems to work, however, and she can't get beyond her anger at my husband. Although she has lived with several people, she has never remarried and her relationships don't seem to last longer than a couple of years at the most. Other than simply waiting for them to grow up and move out, anyone have any suggestions?
sjl@hropus.UUCP (Steve Leitman) (02/12/86)
Although I have no pat answers for your difficult situation, I would like to offer some reflections from my own experiences onto yours. First, I would like to express my admiration for you for having the courage to live in such a strained life situation. Although you did not choose to live with all 6 children, it seems that you're doing everything you can to support your step kids in overcoming the deep disappointment about their mom. I'll come back to this 'disappointment' in a bit. It is key. I hope that, in addition to caring your family, you are taking care of yourself as well. It's(you are) important and you deserve it. I am happy in a second marriage that has brought me 2 additional teenagers for a grand total of 4 (I know it ain't 6). I'm in the part of my life when I'm revering my parents for having lived with me as a teenager. Anyway, here are some of my observations that may help you figure out what's going on, and also to let you know that you're not alone in your kind of struggle. I used to get livid whenever I got the sense that my ex was 'poisoning the well' against me or my wife. Instead of indignantly defending with rhetoric of the same kind, I (finally) decided that teaching by example was best. Suppose the ex is saying to the kids something to the effect, "She's no good, doesn't love you, is just trying to get what she can from your dad, blah, blah, blah....." If your everyday life with your family demonstrates that this is not true then you have the most powerful and effective antidote for the poison in the well. And as you probably know, this doesn't prevent the kids from delivering occasional poisonous pearls like, "According to my mom, you're this and that and this and that!" Actually, they usually avoid saying anything directly but you know where its coming from - the ole polluted well. The answer, "You know that isn't true. I love both you and your dad, and that doesn't mean that you guys are always easy to live with." This and a sincere smile is all the energy that's needed to diffuse those little bombs that come from an ex who is in turn acting out of her own sense of desperation and insecurity. So, let the example of the love in your everyday life be the resounding answer to the kids and the ex. (I have a feeling that you do). Eventually, the love, like snow falling, will begin to stick. The kids are smart enough to know the truth and moreover they understand the difference in quality between their lives before and now. Why don't they admit it? How can they continually defend a parent who abandoned them then and makes them feel unwanted now? Easy. I believe that children defend most the parent that needs the most defending. In other words, there's a part of them that recognizes their mom's difficulties and they probably feel powerless to help her except to defend her against any perceived attack. So, when they give you flack about their life with you, try not to take it personally, and remember that they are coming from a deep sense of disappointment that they don't have the quality kind of life with their mom that they have with you. By the way, I commend you for encouraging your kids to spend time with their mom. Although you may not be fond of her, they need each other. And they need Significant Others to help shape their personhoods - That's you. Way to go! Disappointment may be the key operative for your 15 year old son. I am not pretending to understand the source of his depression and I have some general ideas. For a boy of 8, his mom is the love of his life. She will be the unconscious model for the selection of his own mate. What happens to his sense of self worth if he feels abandoned at this sensitive time? Many children feel they did something bad and so the parent left them. They wind up feeling that they are in fact bad. To compound things, he is missing that same parent who is crucial in his transition to manhood. Even though he may look to his dad for his model in becoming a man, he very much needs validation for that process from a female, his mom. In other words, he needs someone to tell him that he is becoming strong, manly, and attractive. (And, I believe, he deserves praise for being gentle and kind , as well). In short, he needs a lot of praise. If his mom was not there to support him through his transition, maybe you can do the job. I would hope that, as he is given to understand that it wasn't his fault that his mom gave him up, his sense of self worth will increase. This together with the validation of his manhood by you and his dad may turn the tide for him. Not incidentally, it takes more than one parent to cope with one teenager (let alone 2, 4 or 6). Your husband needs to be in there with you in real time and with equal time to support the sense of family. (I have a feeling he is). My most effective parenting has been when my wife and I team up in a one-two combination that combines our strengths, allows us to complement each other and to provide the mutual support that's necessary to let the kids know we mean business. Although I'm looking forward to my teenagers leaving home, (I never thought I would ever say that but I understand now that nature causes teenagers to be obnoxious so that we won't mind so much when they leave the nest) I'm also glad for having the opportunity to deliver to them (all 4 of them) the love that is in me and with the hope that it will kindle in them the ability to deliver the same in kind to the people in their lives. Oh, one more thing. I never liked the tag stepfather. I always felt like someone who hands out poison apples whenever being referred to that way. My wife suggested the names Maura and Mauro for stepmom and stepdad respectively. So far our kids think we're goofy, but I would like to see some more complimentary names for us peoples who are both parents and surrogate parents. Hope this helps. (Teenage Selective Awareness: Parent sees teenager walking all over his/her clothes strewn everywhere. Parent, "Why are you stomping all over your clothes?" Teenager, (blank stare), "What clothes?") Wisdom from G.W. Seaton (a buddy and street philosopher): "Nothing difficult is ever easy!" Steve Leitman ihnp4!houxm!hropus!sjl
suze@terak.UUCP (Suzanne Barnett) (02/21/86)
> To make a long story short, the last 6 1/2 years have been fraught > with frustration, guilt, anger, all permutations and combinations of > family, couple, and individual therapy, and a lot of grey hair. Read _Growing_Up_Divorced_. It is a VERY good book about how children handle divorce. It covers different ages and stages. Lots of children were interviewed for their reactions. It generally takes a number of years for children to get over the trauma of their family splitting up. The fact that your stepkids' mother can't or won't get along with your husband is a big problem for the kids. It may help her relieve her anger, but it harms the kids. Depending on how you and your husband react to her, it could harm them as well. I'd suggest getting a copy of the book for her too. (Even if she doesn't read it, you've tried.) Do your best to get along with her, even if only for the kids' sake. Take them shopping (or offer to) for mother's day, birthday and Christmas gifts for her. When they haven't heard from her in a while (you define the timelength) encourage them to call or write her. Never in their presence express your dislike of her, even though you may hate her guts. This is especially important for your husband; while she is a problem causer and annoyance for y'all, she is their mother. Since your efforts to work with their mother are, at best, not very effective, devote your efforts to working with the kids. Do your best to treat all your children impartially. The stepkids could feel that your kids get more attention or are loved more. Remember, you're an adult, they are still kids, even if they are teenagers. That is a time of real uncertainty in life, even without the added difficulties of family strife. Love the kids, even when it's hard to like them. That's when they need it the most. You may have tried some or all of this, but keep trying. It's worth the effort. I've been very fortunate in that my step kids and I have a good relationship, and have had as long as we've known each other. I feel a large part of it relates to the fact that their parents can and do get along well and BOTH have the best interests of the kids at heart. Good luck! -- Suzanne Barnett-Scott uucp: ...{decvax,ihnp4,noao,savax,seismo}!terak!suze CalComp/Sanders Display Products Division 14151 N 76th Street, Scottsdale, AZ 85260 (602) 998-4800