siw@blade.UUCP (Sindi I. Wisse) (03/05/86)
My 19 month old son has been spanked in the past for many things. To clarify spanked i mean an open handed slap to his diappered bottom. I did read many articles here that convinced me not to spank but i still have found myself doing it. Recently i have noticed that my son has become aggressive, when something happens that he doesnt like he hits. this upsets me greatly and has me seriously considering the affects of spanking. Lately i have started to use his crib as a threat eg. stop that or your going in your crib. It works at times but in general has not been effective. Please share some ways you find effective. i cant ever remember seeing these alternate means of punishment in the articles against spanking. i will admit its been a few months since i have read netnews. sindi wisse, bellcore!sabre!siw , ihnp4!siw, 201-758-2130
hopp@nbs-amrf.UUCP (Ted Hopp) (03/07/86)
> My 19 month old son has been spanked in the past for many things. To > clarify spanked i mean an open handed slap to his diappered bottom. I > did read many articles here that convinced me not to spank but i still > have found myself doing it. > > Recently i have noticed that my son has become aggressive, when > something happens that he doesnt like he hits. this upsets me greatly > and has me seriously considering the affects of spanking. Lately i have > started to use his crib as a threat eg. stop that or your going in your crib. > It works at times but in general has not been effective. > > Please share some ways you find effective. i cant ever remember seeing > these alternate means of punishment in the articles against spanking. > i will admit its been a few months since i have read netnews. > > sindi wisse, bellcore!sabre!siw , ihnp4!siw, 201-758-2130 Our son (25 months) started to become aggressive at about 19 or 20 months in much the same way you describe. I think hitting is one of the ways kids will deal with frustration on their own. I don't think that spanking can be blamed for this, at least exclusively. We have never spanked Aaron, but he went through a stage where hitting and kicking things (including himself) was his standard way of expressing anger. He still does it some, but nowhere near as much. (Actually, he's getting quite talented at temper tantrums. I suppose that's better :-).) Our feeling is that his emotional outbursts are the only way he knows of expressing what's inside him. If that's not acceptable to us, our job is to help him learn new techniques. First of all, we make it clear that hitting is not acceptable. Then we tell him that we know he is angry (or frustrated or, that marvelous catch-all, "upset"). What else we do depends on the situation. We may help him deal with something he is having a hard time with (putting on his jacket, etc.). A frequent problem is that he wants to do something we don't want him doing. After telling him, "No, the chair is not for standing," we help him accept that by suggesting something else he might find interesting. We often still have to help him understand that he is angry and that we know it before he is willing to do something else. It's amazed at times how much it calms him down that we tell him we understand something of what he's feeling. As far as outright punishment goes, I think it should fit the crime. (If he insists on abusing something, he can't continue to play with it.) We don't view Aaron's hitting out of frustration or anger as something to punish him for, but an indication that he has no better way to deal with his emotions. We may want to ship him off to the crib where he can't do much harm and will be out of our hair (and punished with solitary confinement), but I can't think of any situations where that somehow "fits the crime." On the contrary, it would teach him that the crib is a prison, and I certainly don't want him to be thinking that when we put him down for the night. -- Ted Hopp {seismo,umcp-cs}!nbs-amrf!hopp
bob@mwhhlaw.UUCP (Bob Hartley) (03/09/86)
> My 19 month old son has been spanked in the past for many things. > ... > Recently i have noticed that my son has become aggressive, when > something happens that he doesnt like he hits. this upsets me greatly > and has me seriously considering the affects of spanking. Lately i have > started to use his crib as a threat eg. stop that or your going in your crib. Well, I am no psychologist, but I do have a 5 y.o and 2 y.o. It is true that lots of spanking can teach them it is OK to hit when mad. However, we intentionally never used the bed (or crib) as a punishment. It is hard enough to get them to go to bed without loading bed up with other negative feelings. We have had good success with the old fashioned sitting in a chair in a corner. Bob Hartley ihnp4!inuxc!mwhhlaw!bob Indianapolis
janr@tekecs.UUCP (Jan Rowell) (03/10/86)
In response to Sindi's request for alternate ways of dealing with unwanted behavior, I recommend the book Without Spanking or Spoiling. It's in paperback. I haven't looked at it in a few years, but my recollection is that it's pretty practical, with some workbook exercises even, and gives a lot of typical situations with different possibilities for dealing with each.
smuga@mtuxo.UUCP (j.smuga) (03/12/86)
> > Please share some ways you find effective. i cant ever remember seeing > these alternate means of punishment in the articles against spanking. > i will admit its been a few months since i have read netnews. > > sindi wisse, bellcore!sabre!siw , ihnp4!siw, 201-758-2130 I'm glad someone asked. Seems to me the recent discussion of spanking has focused altogether too much emphasis on punishment to the exclusion of other ways of raising children who are well-behaved, helpful and generally a pleasure to live with. Let me begin by saying I've learned from mistakes as well as success. When my two children were an infant and a toddler, when I changed diapers all day and was wakened at night, my patience wore thin and I often lost my temper. No good, for the children or for me. Spankings and scoldings just left them unhappy and me feeling rotten. Now, for techniques that do work: Teach them. Before we ever get to the point where they are doing wrong, show them what's right. I have done this in many ways. With a toddler, pantomime helps; I touched the (cold) stove and pretended to be hurt (a little), meanwhile repeating "hot!" When the kids were a little older, stories helped; both cautionary tales and stories of people who did the right thing. Rehearsals worked well for us too; several times before my daughter's first visit to the dentist, we played out the scene, so she knew both what to expect and what would be expected of her. And before we entered a new situation, it helped if I told my kids *exactly* what behavior I wanted; *not* "be good" in the movie theater, but "while we're in the theater we won't speak to each other. We can talk about the movie after it's over. If you really need to tell me something, whisper." Prevention. Don't give them the opportunity to be bad. This works when you can anticipate some forbidden behavior. For instance, my toddler was jealous when I nursed, and sometimes wanted to smack the baby's head. Knowing that, I tried to (a) keep her occupied with something else at that time, (b) provide another outlet for the hostility ("punch your pillow, HARD") or (c) if all else failed, simply hold back her hand. In general, try to get rid of an attractive nuisance and avoid situations your child can't handle well yet. Don't go shopping with a hungry child at five in the afternoon. I've found time-outs to be effective. The child tends to view it as a punishment; I use it as a cooling-down period for the child. I reward with praise, hugs, affection and attention. Now that my kids are more grown up (7 and 9) they've found out that it's more fun to help out a little around the house and have happy parents than it is to be lazy and have us grumpy at them. I've never had much success with handing out gold stars or other rewards. And, above all, listen. Listen attentively, actively, and resist the impulse to tell a child what to do and how to do it until you're sure you've really heard what the child has to say. Very often the solution suggests itself to the child or to both of you during the conversation. (This, of course, is for children old enough to express themselves well.) A solution the child helps to create needs much less enforcement from the parent. -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Janet Smuga I've had a great many troubles in my time, ihnp4!mtuxo!smuga and most of them never happened. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
kathy@tolerant.UUCP (Kathy Kister) (03/14/86)
I would recomend James Dobson's books regarding discipline and the strong willed child. I believe the titles are _Dare to Discipline_ and _The Strong-willed Child_. Actually, all of his books on family life and family relationships are worth reading.