brownj@uwmacc.UUCP (jan brown) (03/02/86)
Our sixteen year old and her boyfriend seem to be getting "very close". I don't want to see her get pregnant. I'm worried but don't know what to do. Should I talk to her about birth control? If so, how?
carter@uwmacc.UUCP (lee carter) (03/02/86)
Oursixteen year old and her boy friend seem to be getting y close. logo logout logout logout ZZ logout ? !done :q! :q1 :x Q Q / ZZ ZZ !done.. ? logout ZZ :q! :Q! logout *** REPLACE THIS LINE WITH YOUR MESSAGE ***
hfavr@mtuxo.UUCP (a.reed) (03/04/86)
> Our sixteen year old and her boyfriend seem to be getting > "very close". I don't want to see her get pregnant. I'm > worried but don't know what to do. Should I talk to her about > birth control? If so, how? Many, if not most teenagers experiment with sex without waiting for the context of a caring relationship. If you have reason to believe that your daughter would not engage in sexual experimentation except with someone she is "very close" with, then you are to be congratulated on her character. And given that you have reason to be proud of her character, you would be seriously remiss if you don't give her what she needs to live responsibly. Indeed, birth control is best discussed before pregnancy becomes, at puberty, a real possibility. So let us hope that you are not too late. My wife is the school psychologist of an affluent suburban high school, and she is often concerned about the consequences of unplanned pregnancies. This is the most frequent cause of serious attempts at suicide among teenage women, and a frequent trigger of deep depression and serious mental disturbance. An abortion, or giving up a baby for adoption, usually results in deep emotional trauma. Keeping a baby at that age usually prevents the teenager from ever developing emotionally and intellectually into a fully functional adult. The better colleges uniformly view an unplanned pregnancy as a sign of irresponsibility, and so taking time off from school, once pregnant, can be a long-lasting impediment. I hope this scares you, because I know that you have no time to lose. As for how to talk with your daughter about birth control, sensible advice would probably fill a book, so it may be best for you to read one or more. I would recommend "Sex and Birth Control" by Lieberman and Peck; "Youth and Sex: Pleasure and Responsibility" by Gordon Jensen, and "Sex Without Shame" by Alayne Yates. The latter book is especially useful, since the Yates, a psychiatrist and the mother of thirteen children, writes as much from her own experience as from psychological theory. Read quickly and talk with your daughter soon. Adam Reed (ihnp4!npois!adam)
whitehur@tymix.UUCP (Pamela K. Whitehurst) (03/04/86)
In article <2009@uwmacc.UUCP> brownj@uwmacc.UUCP (jan brown) writes: > Our sixteen year old and her boyfriend seem to be getting > "very close". I don't want to see her get pregnant. I'm > worried but don't know what to do. Should I talk to her about > birth control? Yes, very carefully. You don't want her to get the impression that her parents expect her to have sex. You do want her to realize that if she has sex in the next 40 years without taking precautions then she will get pregnant. > If so, how? I have been trying to come up with a discussion based on the fact that sometime in the next few years my daughter, (and yours) will be in a situation where sexual intercourse is a possibility. I can tell her my views, and the reasons I have them. (And definitely will!) But, she, and her partner, will be the ones who say 'no' or 'yes'. It may be a long time before she decides she needs this information, but I would rather she has it years ahead of time than an hour late. I intend to tell her what I know about different forms of birth control, their drawbacks and effectiveness, to provide her with printed material that she can keep until she is ready to read it, and to talk about where she can go to obtain birth control supplies and what type of questions she can expect them to ask. Right now, the hardest part looks like what to do if parental permission is required in order to obtain birth control supplies. Do I give her permission ahead of time and risk loosing out on a chance to talk with her when she is actually making an important decision, or do I have her let me know when she needs it and risk her not being ready to talk and taking a dumb chance? I think I have a couple more years to think about this. She has actually been introduced to the idea of birth control. The grade school had information available to sixth graders, and the junior high had some talk about it in the sex-ed films. A one-on-one discussion is still the best. -- P. K. Whitehurst hplabs!oliveb!tymix!whitehur +-------------------------------------------------------+ | General Disclaimer: The above opinions are my own and | | do not necessarily reflect the opinions | | of McDonnell Douglas Corporation. | +-------------------------------------------------------+
dolske@uiucdcs.CS.UIUC.EDU (03/08/86)
On reading about the "problem" you feel you might have with your daughter, my first response was to answer you on how I felt about it. But, I came up with an idea that I feel may be of more help to you and your daughter. I am going to let my oldest daughter, who is 18, respond instead. Her ideas are her own and not necessarily mine. Here is her reply: "As a responsible 18 year old girl, I feel that my opinions may be helpful. The worried mother tells little of her daughter's behavior and attitudes as a whole. Also, how long have she and her boyfriend been seeing one another? Anyway, my advice is this: There are basically two kinds of teenage girls. There are some, like myself and my fourteen year old sister, who are intelligent, mature, and moral as far as "boys and sex," drugs, and alcohol go. We are responsible in the sense that we don't have sex, not in the sense that we take precautions first. Two young people can get "close" without sex. (Speaking to the mother) If your daughter is this type of person, (and you will have no doubts, if she is), then the worst thing you can do is degrade her by assumptions. DO NOT go to her and say "Well, I see you two are becoming close, so I 'assume' you will be thinking about sex, and I 'assume' you will proceed without birth control unless I tell you otherwise." If anything, show your daughter that you are not the enemy, but, indeed, the helpful mother. Welcome the boy over and make their relationship a calm one with the family, and if a problem should arise, communication will be open. If your daughter starts to feel that, in your eyes, close relationships are wrong, she will go behind your back and communications will suffer. SEX DOES NOT DEFINE A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP. On the other hand, over one-half of the girls I have known are not responsible and mature. Other kids refer to them as "sluts." They see no wrong in a little good sex (or a lot for that matter) and are usually enjoying a rebellious period in their life. Some are hopeless and talking to them is a pathetic waste of time. It is enough to just throw some birth control their way, and hope they'll, at least, use it. I don't believe your daughter fits under this category since you say she is 16 and just now getting into a close relationship. Perhaps a good book for her would be helpful. Don't say "Here is a book on birth control -- you will probably need it soon." If anything find a book written for teens that answers all questions about sex, boys, etc. so that she won't feel that you are hinting or assuming something. Tell her that a friend of yours suggested it and that you'd wished you'd had one when you were her age because it is sometimes difficult to speak to parents concerning sex. Tell her to never feel embarrassed or ashamed to come to you with any questions and problems because together you can work them out. Leave the lines of communication open and then leave well enough alone. Teens have enough pressures without a parent's nose down their backs. Show that you CARE, not that you SUSPECT. If you have any other questions, please feel free to throw them my way. I am majoring in child psychology and take great interest in helping others."
jin@hropus.UUCP (Bear) (03/10/86)
I have been following this discussion on telling a 16 year old daughter about contraception. I was not going to respond because I am not a parent and thought that this discussion should be left to parents. However the 18 year old "responsible" daughter's self righteous advice has left me shaking. Who is she, by inuendo, to call those teens who practice sex sluts? Or does she (or her classmates, although if she doesn't agree why quote them?) only refer to the women as sluts? What stigmatization! To suggest that a 16 year old would be insulted by contraceptive literature (or for that matter, material) provided tactfully by a loving and concerned parent is ridiculous. Besides, better to insult 99 teens than to have the 100th suffer the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy. I am sadly aware that the teen pregnancy rate (the highest amoung "developed" nations) is quite a bit higher than 1%. -- Jerry Natowitz ihnp4!houxm!hropus!jin (official) ihnp4!opus!jin (temporary) Institute for the Study of Non-existent Phenomena
smkindersley@watdragon.UUCP (sumo kindersley) (03/12/86)
--- good GRIEF! talk about self righteous! the 18 year old's response was terrible, in my opinion. she said some very good things (e.g. "sex does not define a close relationship" and that the lines of communication must be opened and kept open by the mother). but the incredible arrogance of deciding that any girl who has sex, or uses liquor or drugs is irresponsible - i have only heard that kind of gall from extreme religious types. which she isn't, clearly, or she would show some charity even for those she considers inferior to her. she claimed that "there are basically two kinds of teenage girls", that is, "intelligent, mature, and moral" (like herself), and the "hopeless" girls who "see no wrong in a little good sex". there are many other types - including those who have a relationship with some commitment and also enjoy the closeness of a sexual relationship, for instance. whoever it was that posted the request in the first place, i advise you to IGNORE that attitude problem of the 18 year old's and follow her advice on a good overall book, and making sure that communication on this subject is encouraged. AS WELL, please make sure that your daughter understands the availability and NECESSITY of birth control methods if she does decide to have sex. do not alienate her by adopting the above-criticised attitude. my mother had an attitude like that of the 18yr old's posting. as a result she never knew me after i started making my own decisions about that sort of matter. now she is dead and she never did get my trust or confidence as an adult. i prefer the attitude of my father after my mother was gone. he didn't like the idea of us sleeping with someone outside of marriage, and we knew that, but was willing to allow us the right to our own decisions. as a result we didn't have to hide things from him. and... why does a "mature" 18 year old refer to herself and what are obviously women as "girls"?
whitehur@tymix.UUCP (Pamela K. Whitehurst) (03/12/86)
In article <339@hropus.UUCP> jin@hropus.UUCP (Bear) writes: >I have been following this discussion on telling a 16 year old daughter >about contraception. I was not going to respond because I am not a >parent and thought that this discussion should be left to parents. >However the 18 year old "responsible" daughter's self righteous advice >has left me shaking. > >Who is she, by inuendo, to call those teens who practice sex sluts? >Or does she (or her classmates, although if she doesn't agree why quote >them?) only refer to the women as sluts? What stigmatization! >To suggest that a 16 year old would be insulted by contraceptive >literature (or for that matter, material) provided tactfully by a loving >and concerned parent is ridiculous. What the "18 year old responsible daughter" has shown us is: teenagers have an opinion on sex. Her views may seem prudish but she, and others, have formed that opinion of classmates who practice sex. Teenagers are not usually tolerant of those who act different than their group. This business of growing up can be difficult. One thing that makes it easier is to say "I am good because I believe and act this way, just like my friends." This, however, sometimes means those who do not act this way are viewed as bad. It takes time to have enough self-confidence to accept differences and to realize that people are more than just one set of actions. I guess one of the jobs of a teenager's parent is to help keep their minds open (and our own). There are 16 year olds who would be insulted by contraceptive literature (MOM! How could you think I'd even want to do that!) no matter how tactfully the loving and concerned parent approached the topic. This does not get rid of the need to provide knowledge. It just makes it more challenging. -- P. K. Whitehurst hplabs!oliveb!tymix!whitehur +-------------------------------------------------------+ | General Disclaimer: The above opinions are my own and | | do not necessarily reflect the opinions | | of McDonnell Douglas Corporation. | +-------------------------------------------------------+
ins_avrd@jhunix.UUCP (Victoria Rosly D'ull) (03/15/86)
References: <2009@uwmacc.UUCP> <41400003@uiucdcs> > ...... > I am going to let my oldest daughter, who is 18, respond instead. > Here is her reply: > > "As a responsible 18 year old girl, I feel that my opinions may be helpful. > ......Anyway, my advice is this: There are basically two kinds > of teenage girls. There are some, like myself and my fourteen year old > sister, who are intelligent, mature, and moral as far as "boys and sex," > drugs, and alcohol go. We are responsible in the sense that we don't > have sex, not in the sense that we take precautions first. Two young > people can get "close" without sex. > > On the other hand, over one-half of the girls I have known are not > responsible and mature. Other kids refer to them as "sluts." > They see no wrong in a little good sex (or a lot for that matter) > and are usually enjoying a rebellious period in their life. Well, I've been avidly following the "teens and sex" discussion so far, and I think I'll add my own $.02 worth of opinion. I'm a 17-year- old girl myself, a junior (psychology major) at Johns Hopkins University. I consider myself to be reasonably mature, intelligent, and responsible; I have lived under my own supervision at school for three years and am not putting on any interesting rebellions. I also don't see any particular wrong in "a little good sex", as this girl puts it, though I can't say I've ever been referred to as a "slut". Certainly two young people can get "close" without sex; sometimes they can also have a responsible relationship that includes it. Not all moral codes preclude sex entirely, although for most young people a code of common sense requires that precautions should go along with it. > Some > are hopeless and talking to them is a pathetic waste of time. It is > enough to just throw some birth control their way, and hope they'll, > at least, use it. Oh, dear. Talking to your daughter with care and concern is never a "pathetic waste of time". Any girl who is "hopeless" is very likely so at least partially because she and her parents can't or won't communicate. And how, for that matter, is it possible to "just throw some birth control their way, and hope they'll, at least, use it"?? Leave a package of condoms in their lunchbox? ("Mom, what the hell is THIS doing in here?") That sort of behavior would be, at best, rather offensive -- "She thinks I'm having sex, but she won't even talk to me". > > Perhaps a good book for her would be helpful......Tell her to > never feel embarrassed or ashamed to come to you with any > questions and problems because together you can work them out. > Leave the lines of communication open and then leave well enough > alone. Teens have enough pressures without a parent's nose down > their backs. Show that you CARE, not that you SUSPECT. > This is very good advice. You obviously do care enough to want to help your daughter with these matters, and simply reassuring her that you are available and willing to talk may help her to come to you for any advice she wants. Keep in mind, though, that these decisions must ultimately be *her own* if she is going to abide by them wholeheartedly. > If you have any other questions, please feel free to throw them > my way. I am majoring in child psychology and take great interest > in helping others." Grown-up psychology here, but me, too :-). Best of luck to both of you...... Victoria d'Ull
cjb@ccice2.UUCP (03/17/86)
I too have been reading the "teen sex scandal Question and answer column". I just had to try to come up with two cents worth of comments before I could bring myself to speak up (post). It seems that I have lost the actual point which was in question after reading some of the articles. I thought the question was posed "What as a parent could I do?". I have a 2 year old, I know it's a little early, which compelled me to ponder "what would I do". I think I can still look back to my teen years to find the answer ( may be able to do that in 15 years ?). From observing my friend's past behavior and they're present state of mind, allowed me to see some things which I would have missed when I was that age. Time has a way of mellowing out the urgency found in a teenager's life. It seems that those among my peer's who have the most happy present life were those who had taken the road which was the most 'right' for them. It also appears that those who 'did it for... ' are/had the most difficult time of it. Each person has to do what is 'right' for them. I think the clue is that we as parents, must support them in this matter. That does not mean 'let them run wildin the streets'. If we can provide them with the knowledge and guidance they need, they can then make they're own choice happily. Now for the nitty gritty stuff. If the 'unsigned' 18-year old poster is happy with her lifestyle situation, more power to her. However, at her age a ski weekend with the girls may turn into a meeting with Mr. Right. A difficult choice will have to be made here, no? I am assuming that rational thinking is still possible, yet I have seem more than one of my friends waking up the morning after with a scary feeling. "Naw I can't get pregnant from just doing it once" is just another one of those lies like the check ... But nine month's later, Mr. Right is on his way south... For as for the 'slut's ' described in her article, some of them are very happily married to my friends (10+ years). If your child is not comfortable with his/her sexuality and cannot find help ( especially if you are not willing to see beyond yourself ) then somewhere down the road someone is going to 'pay the piper' (shrink,lawer,etc). Curtis (cjb@!rochester!ccice5!ccice2!) Curtis (!rochester!ccice5!ccice2!cjb) /************************************************************************* | Disclaimer: I know nothing, I see less, and I learn from others... | | Therefore why would my employer want me representing them? *************************************************************************/ P.S. Oh yea, Then there's that girl I met not too long ago that made turn off the lights and wait in the bathroom...