moriarty@fluke.UUCP (The Napoleon of Crime) (11/21/84)
< Two men, about to enter... The Twilight Zone >
Yes, Dan (Grizzley Adams) Haggerty and Richard Pryor. Two men who could
hardly be more different (Editor's note: see, one's big and white, and the
others thin and black), but linked by an amazing set of coincidences.
Normally, I'd leave this type of comparison to The Enquirer, People, Joe-Bob
or Hans Holzer, but sometimes we need a more scientific look.
For the last 4 years, some remarkable events have happened to both these
celebritys, events which were extremely unpleasant for all involved. Both
had various hair on their bodies ignite (Griz... err, Dan's beard, and
Richard's head (Editor's note: Since the people on E.T. call the subjects of
their reports by their first name, so will we. So there!)). Both have been
linked to the sale of harmful narcotics (Editor's question: is cocaine a
narcotic? I believe it has another, more accurate fancy-pants scientific
buzzword label). Both have been saddled with ponderous, God-awful
children's programs. Yes, it would seem that both these men have had there
share of knocks, being kicked around in show business transactions, and have
ended up with little more than their personal dignity, a greater insight
into the nature of man (and, in Dan's case, bears), and about 100,000
smackeroos in Swiss Bank accounts. Not something I'd want happening to me,
no sir.
And who's to blame? The business, which tolerates actor's vices in exchange
of a performance? We, the public, who yawn at their excesses with nothing
other than a sigh and a Sears commercial?
Nope. It's their problem. Take them to the cellar, Hans... (Editor's note:
Not Hans Holzer).
"It's not MY GODDAMN PLANET, Monkey Boy!"
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
UUCP:
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{allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty
ARPA:
fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPAmoriarty@fluke.UUCP (Jeff Meyer) (12/15/84)
During the period of our Lord (Ah-men) 1980-82, at the little village of
Reed College in Portland OR, Christmas was celebrated at the Akerman Dorm in
a variety of different methods. In the few days that preceded the beginning
of winter break, the tried-and-true ritual of the denzinens of the concrete
and brick building became a holiday event for those who enjoyed the pagent
of the Holiday Spirit (as well as any other spirits whose proofs were higher
than 120). At Nine O'clock in the morning, the students would rise in
T-shirts, robes, or tuxedos (oh, excuse me, that was Caroline and I... the
picture's so damn fuzzy), walking in the traditional
shuffle-stumble-swear-groan march to the sacred showers, muttering the Chant
of the Ages (ages 17-24), "Godwhattimeisit... GodwhatDAYisit...
Didn'tIhavetocatchaflightoutaheretwohoursago...
I'vestillgotthreepapersandalabdone... GodwhowasIinbedwithlastnight...
GodwhatwasI {here the scrolls disagree on the interpertations: "smoking"
"drinking" "eating" "thinkingof"} lastnight...
GodifyougetmeoutofthisoneI'llneverdoitagain" {The last phrase was apparently
considered something of a joke...}
After a group shock caused by lack of hot water, the paritioners would
retire to different areas to drink coffee, discuss a variety of matters,
play bridge or Risk, knit, listen to music, and even sometimes engage in
academic tasks. Eventually, in a method of communication still undefined
even by modern-day science, the group elected The Sacred Interior Decorator
(or, in other interpretations, "She/He who has Money") to go out and get the
most garish and ugly Christmas ornament to be found within the lenghth and
breath of the land (and in Stumptown, this is a broad thing... there are
enough Thrift Store to make Marikesh look with envy upon them).
And then, every night before the congregation split for home via the
Friendly skies, the most plastic, artificial, blinking, electric, and in
general retarded device ever beheld at the holidays (outside of day-care
centers, anyway) was hung up in the main hallway, and the people of Reed
came from yards around to wonder and gasp at garishness. And the good
people of the ministry of Akerman would sit around it in a circle, and
smile, for they alone knew that the true meaning of Christmas was clear in
their decorating symbolism: You can hang Liz Taylor on a chain, get Doug
Trumball to hook $12 million dollars of special effects up to her, run 1200
volts up her ass and watch her glow like the Hanford Waste Disposal site
after a bad night, and it still looks pretty darn puny when compared when
you've got friends like these. Ah-Men. Uncle Harry said it loudest, but we
all realized it, and it lasted far into the night (or at lest 10:00, when
organized and controlled thought were pretty much a thing of the past).
And it warms the dying embers of my cerebral nodes to think back on it, and
smile.
Merry Christmas to all of you, and especially Anne, Rick, Quentin, Keith,
Diane, Karen, and Unc. Harry, the only man ever to get his name in Lisa
Birnbach's guide AND the Rolling Stone magazine in the same week (except for
Lisa herself, that is...).
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
UUCP:
{cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsrgv}!uw-beaver \
{allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty
ARPA:
fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPAmoriarty@fluke.UUCP (Jeff Meyer) (01/04/85)
Feb 12th Burt Reynolds loses the last of his scalp hair
Apr 2nd Tom Snyder gets canceled, for cryin' out loud!
Aug 23rd PEOPLE & ROLLING STONE make combined profits of $200 million
from articles on John Belushi's tragic death from [insert
your vice here]
Dec 20th Geez, I still haven't finished Christmas shopping.
"Oh, intercourse the penguin!"
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
UUCP:
{cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsrgv}!uw-beaver \
{allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty
ARPA:
fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPAmoriarty@fluke.UUCP (Jeff Meyer) (02/03/85)
In article <327@sdchema.UUCP> jwp@sdchema.UUCP (John Pierce) writes: >First, someone at Tektronix incites acts that are at best strongly anti-social. >Now, someone there incites murder. I find that rather remarkable, actually. >It seems to me that the emotional, moral, social, and intellectual qualities >demonstrated in the communications of these two individuals can scarcely help >being reflected in the quality of such work as they may produce. > >Perhaps, of course, it isn't really their fault. Has anyone checked the well >at Beaverton lately? Perhaps somebody has been dumping a little dust in it >occassionally just for kicks. > > John Pierce, Chemistry, UC San Diego > {decvax,sdcsvax}!sdchema!jwp Gee, I went to Beaverton High School and Reed College (the latter being closely associated with Tek), and used to head over there on weekends, and I've NEVER had the urge to... the urge... to murder... GROWWWL!! SNRRRR! ARF! "It's the water!" Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc. UUCP: {cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsrgv}!uw-beaver \ {allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty ARPA: fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPA