moriarty@fluke.UUCP (The Napoleon of Crime) (01/27/85)
Say, Ken Kaufman suggests an interesting idea....
CAMERA OPENS ON CROWDED COURTROOM:
Voice-over announcer: Yes, it's time to start another session of STUPID
PEOPLE'S COURT, Judge Moriarty Wapner presiding (and
sitting in for David Letterman...). Today it's The
Case of The Rampant Knuckleheads. The baliff is
bringing them in now:
(Uniformed Officer leads two net.flamers in by their collars...)
Baliff: ALL RISE FOR JUDGE WAPNER!
Judge MW: No need, I'm just reading net.singles... Read the
charges.
Baliff: The Defendant, Mr. Mewling J. Loudmouth, is charged
with slandering the Plantiff, Ms. Sensitive M.
Humourless, in a series of 312 net articles.
Judge MW: You may remove their blinders, baliff.
(Baliff removes the hoods covering the plantiff and defendant's heads;
instantly upon seeing each other, they begin frothing at the mouth,
screaming, and jabbing their fingers as if trying to hit 'f' keys.
Luckily the baliff has their collars tied to different ends of the
room, so they cannot tear each other apart and leave the court stuck
with the cleanup bill...)
S. Humorless: You pond-sucking scum! You monstrous, humorless
bigot! Your <edited out for our younger readers> is
the size of an aggie!
M. Loudmouth: You can't repress me, you fascist cow! Free Speech,
you fascist slug, is something I must have on the
net! Or else the Constitution will fail, the courts
will dry up, and my employers will fire me since I
no longer look busy while posting articles. You
fascist fascist!!
S. Humorless: Invertebrate! Mongloid! Jockstrap-Breath!
M. Loudmouth: Pig! Leper! You have rhino acne!
S. Humorless: Queer!
M. Loudmouth: Lesbian!
S. Humorless: #$@*! You!!
M. Loudmouth: #$@*! #$@*! You!
S. Humorless: #$@*! #$@*! #$@*! You!
M. Loudmouth: Yo' Mama!
Judge MW: I think that's enough. Bring them before the bench,
baliff.
(Baliff tightens choke chain and drags them to the front of the court)
Baliff: Walkies!
Judge MW: Mr. Loudmouth, how many newsgroups did you send the
original article to?
M. Loudmouth: Why... ALL of them, your honor.
Judge MW: Can you explain your actions?
M. Loudmouth: It was a topic of universal importance, your honor!
Judge MW: Even to net.sportsfishing?
M. Loudmouth: ESPECIALLY there, sir! I understand they're big
fans of my postings in the smaller newsgroups.
Judge MW (under breath): Another insanity pleading...
How many groups did you post to, Ms. Humorless?
S. Humorless: Well, after quoting the ENTIRE article in my
posting, I posted my response to the same number of
newsgroups.
Judge MW: ALL of them?!
S. Humorless: And then I reposted it two days later for those
people on vacation...
(Judge M. Wapner pulls out huge rubber mallet and bops both plantiff and
defendant over head with it, knocking them both into a stupor)
Judge MW: The court finds you both a pair of Ding-Dongs. From
now on, KEEP IT IN NET.FLAME!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
So just remember these three rules:
1) If your posting is just abuse of the originator, mail it, don't
post it.
2) If it's a boring flame, it's not a flame. A flame is fun for the
whole family, wittily written and with a tweek to the original. If
it's just a bunch of contradictions, skip it; we don't want to hear
it, as we are ALL a bunch of flame gourmands here in net.flame...
3) Most importantly, never forget:
WE'RE ALL BOZOS ON THIS BUS!
...because if you do forget the rules, you just might wind up in
**STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT**
"If you tell the truth, you must smile. Otherwise, people will kill you."
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
UUCP:
{cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsrgv}!uw-beaver \
{allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty
ARPA:
fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPAbob@plus5.UUCP (Bob Simpson) (03/28/85)
Phhhhht! Where's my olive loaf? Grr! Snort! -- Dr. Bob UUCP ..!ihnp4!plus5!bob Plus Five has disclaimed any knowledge of me and whatever I might say.
moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Judge Moriarty Wapner) (04/01/85)
> Phhhhht! Where's my olive loaf? Grr! Snort! > -- > Dr. Bob UUCP ..!ihnp4!plus5!bob Yes, Dr. Bob, I also wonder whether Mr. Diamond is a part-time street mime... "There they are! Dirty Towel-Heads! HEEEEEEY-OOOOH!" "What are you doing? We're on your side! We're with the U.N.!" "You-Win, huh? I'll show you what we think of you One-Worlders! Eat Lead, Bedouin Thugs!" Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc. UUCP: {cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsrgv}!uw-beaver \ {allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty ARPA: fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPA