moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Judge Moriarty Wapner) (03/26/85)
FADE IN: The sound of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd. Behind
the Prosecuting Counsel's table sit twenty intense, slightly
constipated-looking individuals, their chins thrust forward and their
eyes gleaming with righteous indignation. In the defendant's box are
45,000 people of every imaginable type, all in rather cramped
positions. Red, the Stupid People's Court bailiff, steps forward.
Let's listen in!
BAILIFF: Order in the court. The case of Amalgamated Offended English
Majors versus The Net. All rise for Judge Moriarty Wapner.
<Judge MW enters from the southern courtroom door. He is reading an
issue of Sport's Illustrated.>
JUDGE MW (mumbling, as usual): `...best shark trolling bait: spam...
Rolaids... Moon Pies... Pia Zadora...' <reaches bench> You may be
seated. Red, read the charges.
BAILIFF: The organization known as A.O.E.M. charges the Usenet
community with malicious spelling, poor grammar and lazy proofreading
in general.
JUDGE MW: Very well. Gentlemen and ladies of the prosecution, state
your case.
1st OEM: For too long has poor grammar and spelling been prevalent on
the entity know as "Usenet"...
2nd OEM: Except by us, of course.
1st OEM: Of course. And we think the time has come to have these
malefactors brought to justice!
JUDGE MW: Well, I have to admit that the net, as a whole, does not
have perfect (or even excellent) grammar or spelling but we're not that
bad; and besides, we cannot castigate an entire group for the errors of
individuals.
1st OEM: But they're all TECHNICIANS!
3rd OEM: Ooh, yucko! Grodey to the max!
2nd OEM: And if they're not technicians, they must be engineers, and
they're almost as bad.
1st OEM: As if having to share netnews discussions wasn't enough, we
have to deal with their split infinitives and outrageous misuse of
"too"!
4th OEM: Horrors! What would Hemingway say?
JUDGE MW (never one to leave a straight line dangling): Mariel would
probably tell you to stick...
ALL OEMs: We want justice! We want justice!
JUDGE MW: Well, I have to admit that the charges of sloppy English are
somewhat merited...
ALL OEMs: Hurrah!
3rd OEM: Saints be Praised!
JUDGE MW: ...but don't you think you're making a bit much out of it?
1st OEM: On the contrary, I think this merits, at the very *least*, an
apology by the entire net!
THE NET: [Noises of grumbling, with various voices rising and falling]:
Huh...
.....cripes, why worry about spelling, when they'll be an AI project
doing it next year...
..........This is just how England subjugates Northern
Ireland.....
.....Drop Doggie Doo in their
drawers!...
....Son,take careful
aim at those loonies,
and blow their brain
out.....
JUDGE MW: Could someone take Adrian out for his walkies? And Mr.
Arndt, please restrain you're child from using that M-16....
Gentlemen and Ladies of the Prosecution, I don't think you're going to
get anywhere from that position...
1st OEM: Well, it's to be expected.
2nd OEM: Yes, the poor, sensitive creative soul never finds solace in
the harsh, unfeeling mercantile society.
1st OEM: We try to preserve the standard of the flagging English
Language among unkept barbarians...
4th OEM: Well, what do you expect from techies, anyway? None of them
have had our Liberal Arts background...
JUDGE MW: Why, I'm sure that's not true of a great deal of the net. I
myself graduate this year from Reed College with...
3rd OEM: Yes, we know, we've heard it a thousand times. Let's face
it, Your Honor, you sold out. You're working as a software person...
JUDGE MW: Hey! I resent...
3rd OEM: ... instead of suffering the fate we must face every day,
trying to keep our civilization educated...
JUDGE MW: But...
3rd OEM: ... and trying to keep the last vestiges of a once-great
culture alive amongst...
JUDGE MW: But...
3rd OEM: ...what can only be kindly termed as a bunch of ignorant
savage worshipers of technocracy...
JUDGE MW: But...
3rd OEM: ...who do nothing but read Stephen King novels, swill beer,
and have sex...
JUDGE MW: Shutup.
3rd OEM: ...as if sex was the greatest thing in the world. I've had
sex before...
Judge MW: Shut Up.
3rd OEM: ...and, sure, it's nice and all, but not as nice as writing...
JUDGE MW [screams]: SHUT UPPPP!
3rd OEM: ...haiku, or deciphering the 132 meanings ascribed to "The
Sun Also Rises", or debating whether Shakespeare was really Sir Thomas
Moore and Neil Simon teaming up....
1st OEM: Was!
2nd OEM: Wasn't!
1st OEM: WAS!
2nd OEM: WASN'T!
3rd OEM: ...gee, I mean, I don't know why women aren't attracted by
artistic suffering. My parents locked me in a closet, so I didn't get
into athletics much...
<Judge Moriarty reaches beneath his robes and draws forth the legendary
Rubber Gavel of Thor, given only to he who reads more Popular Trash
than any other, and, swinging it over his head, he looseth it at yon
villains, whence it reboundeth all overth the room, and hitteth all of
the OEMs in the headeth (due to his amazing Newton Sense, gained when
exposed to a radioactive Prime 350, or gotten when studying backgammon
with Tibetian llamas, I forget), rendering them unto Morpheus>
THE NET [a single voice]: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!
JUDGE MW: *sigh*. Hasn't Adrian's nanny shown up yet? Just remember,
folks....
If you've got a lame flame, don't take it to the net. Take it to court.
****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
Judge Moriarty Wapner, aka Jeff Meyer
John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
UUCP:
{cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsrgv}!uw-beaver \
{allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty
ARPA:
fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPAndiamond@watdaisy.UUCP (Norman Diamond) (03/27/85)
> BAILIFF: The organization known as A.O.E.M. charges the Usenet > community with malicious spelling, poor grammar and lazy proofreading > in general. Some of us charge Judge MW with same. > <Judge MW enters from the southern courtroom door. He is reading an > issue of Sport's Illustrated.> No apostrophe belong's in "Sports Illustrated", you're honor. > 1st OEM: For too long has poor grammar and spelling been prevalent on > the entity know as "Usenet"... Poor grammar have indeed been prevalent for too long. Spelling, however, have rarely prevailed. > JUDGE MW: Could someone take Adrian out for his walkies? And Mr. > Arndt, please restrain you're child from using that M-16.... Who's child is that? Its unclear. > <Judge Moriarty reaches beneath his robes and draws forth the legendary > Rubber Gavel of Thor, given only to he who reads more Popular Trash > than any other ... Whom reads? Oh, him does. Let's give some examples to he (i.e. to he who is hypocritical). > ALL OEMs: We want justice! We want justice! > > 1st OEM: On the contrary, I think this merits, at the very *least*, an > apology by the entire net! Or at least by the judge. -- Norman Diamond UUCP: {decvax|utzoo|ihnp4|allegra}!watmath!watdaisy!ndiamond CSNET: ndiamond%watdaisy@waterloo.csnet ARPA: ndiamond%watdaisy%waterloo.csnet@csnet-relay.arpa "Opinions are those of the keyboard, and do not reflect on me or higher-ups."
greg@ncr-tp.UUCP (Greg Noel) (03/29/85)
In article <468@vax2.fluke.UUCP> moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Judge Moriarty Wapner) writes: >JUDGE MW: Could someone take Adrian out for his walkies? And Mr. >Arndt, please restrain you're [sic] child from using that M-16.... This isn't really aimed at Wapner; consider it general information that the younger generation was not taught in elementary grammar in the third grade -- a casualty of "progressive" education. It is incredibly easy to use the apostrophe correctly if you realize that it indicates that something was elided. (For the Philistines, "elided" means "left out".) Thus, "you're" ==> "you are" with the `a' left out and the two words run together. The sentance above expands into "please restrain you are child...." which doesn't make a lot of sense (unless he is accusing Mr. Arndt of being a child, which may be possible....). This rule holds for ALL uses of the apostrophe in English: "it's" ==> "it is" (or sometimes "it has"), "they're" ==> "they are", and "don't" ==> "do not". (Nobody else is old enough to remember when "o'clock" was "of the clock" and the possesive "'s" meant "his" (as in "Mars his sword" in Shakespeare his sonnet).) When you write something, all you have to do is ask yourself if the sentance makes sense with the expanded form -- if so, you are using the form correctly. (Female chauvanists will point out that it doesn't make sense to expand "Mary's flowers" into "Mary his flowers", but that's (==> "that is") how the possesive form started. Think of it as evolution in action.) -- -- Greg Noel, NCR Torrey Pines Greg@ncr-tp.UUCP or Greg@nosc.ARPA
ndiamond@watdaisy.UUCP (Norman Diamond) (03/31/85)
> It is incredibly easy to use the apostrophe correctly if you realize > that it indicates that something was elided. True. > This rule holds for ALL uses of the apostrophe in English False. > (Female chauvanists will point out that it doesn't make sense to expand > "Mary's flowers" into "Mary his flowers", but that's (==> "that is") how > the possesive form started. Think of it as evolution in action.) In German, the possessive form is indicated by adding an "s" without an apostrophe. I am glad that English adds the apostrophe as well (except that it's absent from "its"); but I do not believe it originated by eliding the word "his". Incidentally, since this discussion concerns grammar rather than spelling, I won't complain about the misspelled word in the quotation. -- Norman Diamond UUCP: {decvax|utzoo|ihnp4|allegra}!watmath!watdaisy!ndiamond CSNET: ndiamond%watdaisy@waterloo.csnet ARPA: ndiamond%watdaisy%waterloo.csnet@csnet-relay.arpa "Opinions are those of the keyboard, and do not reflect on me or higher-ups."
sean@ukma.UUCP (Sean Casey) (04/01/85)
> JUDGE MW: Could someone take Adrian out for his walkies? And Mr. > Arndt, please restrain you're child from using that M-16.... Who's child is that? Its unclear. ^ | It's Gotcha! -- Sean Casey UUCP: {hasmed, cbosgd}-\ {ucbvax, unmvax, boulder, research}!anlams---ukma!sean {mcvax!qtlon, vax135, mddc}!qusavx-/ ARPA: "ukma!sean"@ANL-MCS or sean%ukma.uucp@anl-mcs.arpa
ndiamond@watdaisy.UUCP (Norman Diamond) (04/01/85)
> > > JUDGE MW: Could someone take Adrian out for his walkies? And Mr. > > > Arndt, please restrain you're child from using that M-16.... > > > > Who's child is that? Its unclear. > ^ > | > It's > Gotcha! > -- Sean Casey You got yourself. "Who's" should be "Whose" and I deliberately imitated several other errors as well. You didn't object to any of the other imitations. Did you think they were correct? -- Norman Diamond UUCP: {decvax|utzoo|ihnp4|allegra}!watmath!watdaisy!ndiamond CSNET: ndiamond%watdaisy@waterloo.csnet ARPA: ndiamond%watdaisy%waterloo.csnet@csnet-relay.arpa "Opinions are those of the keyboard, and do not reflect on me or higher-ups."
srm@nsc.UUCP (Richard Mateosian) (04/01/85)
Thanks for the grammar lesson. May I suggest the contraction sent'nce for
your personal use until you learn the proper spelling of sentence.
--
Richard Mateosian
{allegra,cbosgd,decwrl,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo}!nsc!srm nsc!srm@decwrl.ARPAsrt@ucla-cs.UUCP (04/02/85)
In article <147@ncr-tp.UUCP> greg@ncr-tp.UUCP (Greg Noel) writes: > >It is incredibly easy to use the apostrophe correctly if you realize >that it indicates that something was elided. (For the Philistines, >"elided" means "left out".) Thus, "you're" ==> "you are" with the `a' >left out and the two words run together. The sentance above expands... ^^^^^^^^ It is incredibly easy to learn to spell words correctly. Try using a dictionary. MORAL: People who live in stone houses... Scott Turner
greg@ncr-tp.UUCP (Greg Noel) (04/03/85)
In article <7159@watdaisy.UUCP> ndiamond@watdaisy.UUCP (Norman Diamond) writes: >In German, the possessive form is indicated by adding an "s" without an >apostrophe. I am glad that English adds the apostrophe as well (except >that it's absent from "its"); but I do not believe it originated by >eliding the word "his". You'll have to argue that with my tenth-grade English teacher. Unfortunately, that will be difficult, as she died about ten years ago. But that's what she taught us -- I can still remember how upset several of the women (or are they still "girls" in tenth grade?) were that the female possesive form meant that the possesed object was really owned by the male responsible for that female. (Hmmmmm..... If this is a grammar discussion, that was a terrible sentence.) It is not present in "its" any more that it is present in "his" or "her" which are the other pronoun possesive forms -- they are NOT elisions. I don't know if the German is relevant -- I think that the "s" at the end indicates the genative (sp? -- not in my dictionary) form; the fact that it sounds the same as in English may be just chance. >Incidentally, since this discussion concerns grammar rather than spelling, >I won't complain about the misspelled word in the quotation. Sigh. For some reason, "sentance" and "writting" are both considered legal by this spelling corrector. I am not a good speller, and I know it, and I compensate for it by using a spelling corrector and a dictionary. I know that every time I use one of those words, I \must/ look them up, but I was rushed and didn't. Mea culpa. -- -- Greg Noel, NCR Torrey Pines Greg@ncr-tp.UUCP or Greg@nosc.ARPA
hutch@shark.UUCP (Stephen Hutchison) (04/04/85)
In article <1551@ukma.UUCP> sean@ukma.UUCP (Sean Casey) writes: >> JUDGE MW: Could someone take Adrian out for his walkies? And Mr. >> Arndt, please restrain you're child from using that M-16.... > >Who's child is that? Its unclear. > > ^ > | > > It's > >Gotcha! Gotcha again! Whose | v >Who's child is that? Its unclear. Hutch