debenedi@yale-com.UUCP (Robert DeBenedictis) (12/05/83)
December's Blueboy (so-so pictures, so-so fiction) had an article
titled THE MEANING OF IT ALL: A GAY VOCABULARY (reprinted from the
Body Politic).
Here are some of the "definitions" that I (yes, this is highly
subjective) found amusing (or should I say "liked"):
Back room: a small, enclosed park lacking bushes.
Camping: as in 'camping it up.' The most elaborate way
of repeating familiar jokes.
Clones: those who do not affect the mannerisms of chic nonconformists.
Daycare: a danger to society, unlike babysitters, nursery schools,
kindergartens, and elementary schools.
Dogma: uncompromising statements of principle or belief; as
"People don't grow up -- they just begin to overestimate
their own importance," or "It is not sufficient to have
compassion only for those who are cute."
Drugs: illicit substances which arouse suspicion by causing
ordinary citizens to look and act like the hosts of
religious television shows.
Equality: the recognition that we all feel equally superior
to one another.
Erotica: depictions of naked men. Depictions of naked women
are far less innocent and are known as "pornography."
Faggot: gay owner of a woodburning stove.
Faithhealing: the art of making irreversibly handicapped people
feel guilty about their faithlessness.
Fem: hobgoblin much feared by writers of classified ads. The fem
is believed to appear as the mirror-image of the ad-writer,
except that it is wearing full drag. It mesmerizes its victim
and carries him home in a sack made of pantyhose.
Gay: abnormally happy.
Gay liberation: militants engaged in a wicked attempt to beleaguer
gays into abandoning their most basic principles of
self-abasement.
Ghetto: a cluster of two or more businesses serving gays.
Girl: a man of any age.
Good friend: memento of a deceased relationship.
Heterosexuality: that which impels one to move to the suburbs.
Homosexual: a being endowed by some with superhuman powers of
destroying moral fibre. According to legend, moral
fibre was pressed from hemp until homosexuals
discovered that the plant could be smoked.
Human being: a gay person who does not wish to be thought of as gay.
Immoral: obsolete expression meaning "politically incorrect."
Intelligence: the ability to be convincingly pretentious.
Journalism: the art (or science) of expressing life as a
series of cliches.
Lesbian: according to legend, a person who is distinguished from a
truck driver only by her vastly smaller income. In real
life, a person who incurs the wrath of many men simply by
being independent.
Lesbian woman: the female analogue of the gay male man.
Liberal: one who uses forked tongue to lightly tickle objects of
condescension on both sides of the status quo. This action
may be used to distract opponents from the fact that the
liberal is liberally helping him/herself to their money.
Macho: the sound of a sneeze billowing through a heavy moustache.
Mellow: as unflappable as the wings of a dodo. The emotions of
human turtles who do not yet realize that they have no shells.
Opera: highbrow kitsch. A pink plastic flamingo on the lawn of
classical music.
Queer: word which has been returned by gays to the English language,
in exchange for the word 'gay.' This represents a total saving
to the English language of two letters.
Relationship: liaison usually involving two people and their dirty dishes.
Sexual harassment: the bane of working women. Justifies lower wages
because constantly-antagonized workers produce less.
Shock: a politically-marketable form of feigned surprise.
Size: length.
Television: the opera of the suburbs. Television has one insuperable
advantage over live theatre; you can belch at it.
Tomboy: a young girl who gets sufficient exercise.
Trick: a disappearing act.
Truth: self-interest.
Unnatural act: any everyday human act not equally typical of cattle,
sheep, and horses. Singing, smoking, and various
heterosexual and homosexual acts are included.
Youth: the current fashion in bodily haut-decor -- the world's only
lasting fad. "Acne and cheesecake on drugs" (--Milton Murphont,
"Why I Am Not a Pederast").