sdyer@bbncca.ARPA (Steve Dyer) (01/09/84)
"Felix" said something particularly interesting in the last message I posted for him: >An outside observer would be quick to point out that I practically >erase part of myself when I visit my parents... That REALLY rings a bell. When I realized early on that I couldn't share many important aspects of my life with them, once I realized that I was gay, I began to re-form my relationship to them. This began almost before puberty, and has lasted until even now. "OK, so you're not out to them, so what?", you might ask. In my case, I found that my reserve has spread to other, more mundane things. That is, because I could or would not share one of the central, pivotal facts of my life, I also began to no longer consider them as people I would consult about other important matters. Thus, I felt myself independent very early, even during my teenage years. This sounds a bit sad, but it isn't really; it is hard for me to imagine any other way. We get along very well, and holidays and phone calls are always enjoyable. But we don't deal in very deep issues--family stuff, mainly. I bring this up because it's interesting to see how this (and Felix's comment) compares with others' experiences. I have always felt that the early perception of one's "difference" profoundly affects the way one behaves in the world. Comments? P.S.: I am contributing a lot lately because I haven't said much in a while, but also to help stimulate discussion here. I tend to vaccilate between "If they don't want to contribute to the group, then screw 'em" and realizing that net.motss' readership is much larger than its contributors and that every person's comments are valuable to very many people. -- /Steve Dyer decvax!bbncca!sdyer sdyer@bbncca
riddle@ut-sally.UUCP (Prentiss Riddle) (01/09/84)
"Felix's" comment about parents, echoed by Steve Dyer: >An outside observer would be quick to point out that I practically >erase part of myself when I visit my parents... is something, I suspect, that many straights can identify with as well. One outstanding example is my girlfriend. A few of you may recall the situation from my description of it in net.singles some months back: she was born in India and immigrated to this country with her family as a child; her parents think of her as a Nice Little Indian Girl when in fact she is an American woman in far more respects than she is an Indian. In her relationship with her family she is forced to play a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde game of maintaining a separate personality for use on visits home. (Up until recently, this included hiding almost all aspects of her relationship with me, since white boys didn't fit in her parents' picture of their daughter's life. I'm happy to report that things have recently taken a drastic turn for the better.) But I don't think you have to hunt for extreme cases to find people who have experienced feelings similar to those described by "Felix" and Steve. I, too, can identify with almost all of Steve's description of his relationship with his parents: a recognition "almost before puberty" of differences between us, a choice not to reveal certain aspects of my life to them, a spreading awareness that "I also began to no longer consider them as people I would consult about other important matters", an early sense of independence, and the resolution of the relationship into an "enjoyable" one avoiding very deep issues and centering on "family stuff, mainly." I went through the same process, and without any Big Secret, any part of myself which they would reject out of hand. To this day I don't know what my "difference" from my folks was, but I always knew that there was one. I suspect that what distinguishes my experience from that of "Felix" and Steve is a matter of degree. --- Prentiss Riddle ("Aprendiz de todo, maestro de nada.") {ihnp4,seismo,ctvax}!ut-sally!riddle
johnc@dartvax.UUCP (John Cabell) (01/10/84)
I think you are all right that going home seems to turn some
of peoples facets away from their parents. I know that I have
two different personalities, one for school and one for home.
I feel as if I have to keep the way I act with my friends to
myself, and not ask my parents for advice. The other way is
true also, I don't ask my friends for advice about my home
life, except in a joking manner.
This is probably true for all people, no matter what their
home life is like. I believe part of it is what is called
'The Generation Gap', but that may not be right.
Anyway, Happy New Year.
--
From the Ever-Questioning Mind of
johnc
...!decvax!dartvax!johnc
:->