crane@fortune.UUCP (John Crane) (01/10/84)
Dear Tink at MIT: Alias: Will Doherty USE: wdoherty!decvax!bbncca ARPA: wdoherty@bbng TINKLEBELL: 617-262-3485 I could not let your letter go unanswered. Here is my reply: > This is my first submission (har) to motts. I've been trying to > find it for quite some time. I want to state that I am gay so that > someone at least will show that they are proud (at least unashamed > of their sexuality) and not afraid of reprisal. Who really cares what somebody's sexual orientation is unless you are trying to pick him/her up and don't want to get punched out? I put knowing somebody's sexual orientation on the same category as what they had for breakfast yesterday or their mother's maiden name. Nice to talk about but, beyond that, not really relevant or useful. > I consider this fear to be paranoid, although probably appropriate > for some people. Who are you to judge other people. Maybe its not fear they have. Maybe they just think it's nobody else's "%#^$^%" business. Maybe they do it out of respect for other people's feelings. That is, a Gay person is not afraid of reprisal, but he doesn't want to lay a heavy trip on another person that the other person just isn't equipped to handle. Would you, for instance, tell your 85-year old grandmother who is on her death bed that you are Gay, just to prove that you are brave and fearless. The old lady would probably die from shock on the spot, and you would get to feel guilty about having killed her. An extreme example, perhaps, but a useful extrapolation of the point I want to make. > I find that I could not possibly work with people who are > homophobic, nor consider them to be close friends. Frankly, such > people are ignorant, just as are racist and sexist folks. In this > particular use, I mean people who are intentionally racist, sexist, > or homophobic, not those who are unintentionally so. But even for > those people, I do not believe that the oppressed have an > obligation to educate the oppressor. A vested interest to do so > perhaps. Does this make you homohomophobic? Do you honestly believe people are intrinsically "racist" or "sexist", or do they (or sometimes all of us) commit isolated acts that may seem "racist or sexist" to other people? Also, if you think somebody else hates you, why bring yourself down to their level by hating them back? > Also, by the way, I'm a member of NAMBLA and I'm really angry at > the person who described me as a bane to the homosexual movement. > I think you're both arrogant and wrong. But then, let's not get > emotional about this. I will gladly debate the position on > completely rational turf. The person was both humble and right. If you want to make any friends, you should learn to be a little more tactful. It sounds like you are active and involved in civic affairs. Good for you. But it seems to me you should learn the one fundamental principle that successful politicians know: how to disagree without being disagreeable. John Crane
wdoherty@bbncca.ARPA (Will Doherty) (01/15/84)
Dear John Crane, I believe that "somebody's sexual orientation" is important not only because I may want to have sex with them, as you suggest, but because I want to know whether they will have some idea of how to treat me as a person, despite the fact that I enjoy sex with motss. I feel that gay people, at least the gay people I have met, have a greater understanding of the ways that people oppress each other. I try not to oppress other people by my words, my actions. I seek to learn from people who believe I am acting in an oppressive way, especially if they are willing to spend the time to explain to me, in an understanding and constructive way, what they mean. I don't feel that people should have to state their sexual orientation to be on the net, I just wish we lived in a society where they didn't have to feel afraid to live their lives as their sexuality directs them. In your comments about "Gay" people (I don't know why it is capitalized), you use the generic "he." I believe that since gay people may be female or male, a more appropriate pronoun reference could be found (you may wish to try the plural form, for instance). I would not "tell your 85-year-old grandmother who is on her death bed that you are Gay, just to prove you are brave and fearless." This is not an issue of bravery or fearlessness. This is an issue of living one's life with dignity in a society which denies a significant part of one's life. I do, in fact, wish to share knowledge of my sexuality with my grandmother, but I do not wish to trouble her with the difficulties she might think I would face. I have explained to my parents that I am gay and, as time goes on, they become more and more comfortable with my sexuality. Because they love me, they have taken the time to learn about a sexuality which is different than their own. The more they learn, the more comfortable they have become and the less they worry about the societal problems I may encounter. When I went to Rochester, NY, for the holiday season, a lover named Mike spent a few days at my parents house. He shared my life and that of my family as any cherished guest might have done. My parents showed us both to the same guest room for our visit. I am proud of my parents and I'm glad I "came out" to them. We were distant for a long time because I was worried about how they would handle it. Now, we are closer than ever before. I guess in some ways I am "homohomophobic." I don't believe that I should always have to tolerate homophobic follies. Just as you don't believe that you should have to tolerate people who accost you when you walk down the street (I assume). I do not think that I should "hate" someone just because they "hate" me, especially in the case of homophobia. In fact, I spend a lot of time dealing with people who are trying to understand the issue. But if someone spits in your face on a day when you're a bit tired because you've been working hard to pay the rent, I don't believe you have an obligation to stop and sweettalk the person. Sometimes, I just have other priorities in my life. I appreciate your advice about making friends. I try to be tactful. I must be fairly tactful, because I seem to have no shortage of friends. I still stand by what I said earlier. "Lance" may describe me as whatever he chooses, but I don't have to sit here and tolerate it. Normally, I don't describe someone as "arrogant and wrong" in the interests of tact, even though that is basically what I continue to feel about what he said. In general, I do try to "disagree without being disagreeable," but sometimes, in the interests of honesty, one may use stronger words. Honesty, to me, may sometimes require greater attention than tact. As far as inherent racism, sexism, and homophobia-- Yes, I believe that these creatures exist, perhaps even with some genetic basis, though primarily a cultural basis, in all human beings, or at least in all that I have ever known or read about. If someone commits "isolated acts that may seem 'racist' or 'sexist,' to other people," even if they are not so intended, they may still, in fact be 'racist' or 'sexist.' An obvious example would be the contention of some southerners (and others) that black people are less intelligent than white people (without any substantial evidence). They don't believe they're racist; they think they're just plain right. But I think they're racist--how about you? Will Doherty decvax!bbncca!wdoherty