brenner@aruba.DEC (07/02/84)
John, I may be leaping to major conclusions, but from what you described of your lover's behavior in your Dear Abbey letter, it sounds like he is showing some of the major symptoms of alcoholism. He drinks enough that it alarms loved ones (you); his moods swing tremendously (anger to the point of physical violence); he has trouble getting out of bed and getting responsible about job, money, etc.; he breaks dates, promises, etc.; and he manipulates loved ones (you) into protecting him from the results of his irresponsibility. And the biggest symptom of all--that he is a warm, lovable human being, except for when these baffling behaviors come on and make actually living with him difficult. The disease of alcoholism is psychological and emotional as well as physical--he's still the same person you first fell in love with, but as the disease progresses, his actual behavior begins to change. What you can do: go to Alanon. You are very fortunate to be living in San Francisco, as Alanon and Alcoholics Anonymous have gay meetings there. What Alanon can do for you is, first off, assure you you're not alone in your quandary; second off, support you in loving this guy even though he's behaving this way; and thirdly, help you figure out what *you* need to do--whether it's move out, stay on, keep the relationship or break it off. Alanon can also teach you more about the disease of alcoholism. You may not be able to get your lover to go to AA at first (in fact, I'd predict from what you've said that it might provoke yet another fight) but Alanon can show you how to bring up AA in such a way that he might eventually go. One of the things they'll probably tell you is this: that AA only works for the alcoholic who has himself admitted that he has a problem. That's why I suggested Alanon first--you are admitting you have a problem, so you sound like you would be ready to take some action. Yes, he has the actual drinking problem, but you are the one getting stuck with the living problem. Alanon can be found right in the telephone book. The folks who answer that number can give you more info, including where meetings meet and which ones are gay. I sincerely hope you take this suggestion--you'll find Alanon a truly loving and caring fellowship of people who have been through just what you're going through, and who genuinely want to share what they've learned. And I don't think you're foolish or any such thing for putting up with all this for so long--I think it's admirable, and quite natural when you have a commitment to a relationship. Good luck, and let me know how it turns out. Ellen Brenner ...decvax!decwrl!rhea!aruba!brenner