gerber@mit-athena.ARPA (Andrew S Gerber) (08/04/84)
Subject: Flaunting it vs. hiding it
Newsgroups: motss
Hi. This is my first posting ever, but it's late and I feel like
flaming.......
I have been thinking a lot lately about my openness about being gay.
I came out about 9 months ago, although `coming out' for me was much
more of a personal thing than something I immediatly shared with all my
friends. I have come out to many of my friends, but I am not the kind of
person who makes it apparent to all his sexual preference, 'cause I use
the excuse "Well, straight people don't make it apparent all the time,
why should I?" I make friends on a purely social level, and depending
on how I meet them (gay contacts vs. straight contacts), they presume
either gay or straight. After I become friends with someone very well,
then I might, (and I say might, I have some very old friends that I have
still not come out to), come out to them.
Why do I do this? I feel that someone should know me FIRST as
"Andrew S. Gerber", and then find out that I'm gay. If I am introduced
as "Andy, and he's gay", many people will not think of me as Andy, but
only think of me as "that gay down the hall." Other friends have told
me I should tell people right off that I am gay, 'cause that way I avoid
investing time in a friendship that might later end because of my sexual
preference. I've found that anyone who I feel is my friend will not
later drop me because I'm gay, so I leave that till later. Much later.
In fact, sometimes they only find out through someone else. And I don't
particularly like that.
This fall in my new dorm room I'm going to put up a calander that a
friend gave me (USC MEN), and a large poster of Tom Cruise (Risky
Business, All the Right Moves). Perhaps that will help me come out to
people faster and easier. Until then, I guess I'll still stay moderatly
quiet.
Andrew S. Gerber
gerber@mit-charon
{gerber%mit-charon%mit-athena@MIT-MC.ARPA}
PS: Reading this over, I'm not sure what kind of response I expect..but
I do hope to get some..gerber@mit-athena.ARPA (Andrew S Gerber) (08/09/84)
(Note: This was posted by gerber@mit-charon for Dionysus) I tend to agree with most of what you have said but I still feel uneasy. Perhaps because I am older and understand the realities of the business world I have mixed feelings. You see, I was fired for being gay. I now have a fat file somewhere that can come back to haunt me. Yes, my current bosses are aware, but I know that it only takes one a**h*le to start a personal vendetta, etc. As far as friends, I don't hide it but I don't advertise. I find that real friends (that know me well) generally suspect and didn't mention it because they didn't think it was any of their business. As time goes on it gets harder to live a full life without having lots of people know: how do you explain your live-in lover? especially when both of you are financially well enough off to not need to be roommates. I guess the real hang-up about coming out is two-fold: the fear that the pendulum will swing back and the witch-hunts begin, and the knowledge that as one gets older and more senior your employer will be less tolerant. As to the pendulum and the witch hunts: The US Government is very anti-gay. I should know -- I'll tell you about it some day. The worry is that the Jerry Falwell crowd will get enough followers to get their agenda passed. Perhaps the solution is a massive coming out. At least voting against them. One of the most serious failings of Gays is the general lack of interest in politics (present company excluded). Massive voter registration campaigns have been tried with little success. Aside: are you registered (assuming your over 21)? The employer problem is more serious. The numbers of people being discriminated against are large. A lot is subtle. One company in Minneapolis had a anti- discrimination clause, but I was told (by the recruiter) that they rejected me because I was gay -- just because they speak the words doesn't mean they follow them. Promotions can dry up, etc. Also if a co-worker is a Moral Majority type one can have a bad time. All in all your approach seems to be the "Middle Way". Dionysus