levasseur@morgan.DEC (11/07/84)
always has amazed me how many gays there are running loose
in the industry. Like the Russians and Jehovah's Witnesses;
the High-Tech industry denies their existance. Most of these
poor souls live a schizoid existance; putting on the high
power executive hat from 9-5, then running home to put on
their most faded denims and LaCoste shirt, wolfing down
quiche and Perrier, and calling the boys up to go out danc-
ing. The whole cycle repeats during the week. Most are
afraid of being found out for fear of expulsion from their
comapny. What they don't know is that it's probably common
knowledge at the office. Water cooler gossip usually ferrets
out the true queens without their knowledge; after all here's
this guy who has been living with the same roomate for 15
years. Everyone knows that men don't keep a roomate much
after college age and definitly don't leave the office early
to play nursemaid to their roomates when they're sick. See
how suspicious this one sounds, "J.B. I have to leave early
today. My roomate Jeremy has the flu and I'm worried about
his 104 degree fever". Jeremy also gets dragged along to all
the office parties and to the company picnic.
Fairies have an affinity for Hi-Tech, especially the com-
puter industry. One systems group I worked for resembled a
street in San Francisco more than a computer room. All the
women in the group were chasing the "gorgeous" male hunks,
who were busy chasing one another. Most areas aren't as open
or obvious as the one I just mentioned. After all business
is business and the boardroom is not to be confused with the
bedroom, which brings me to a point I can't stress enough to
all you fairies who don't want your cover, among other things
blown, "Don't shit where you eat!"; in other words keep the
people you invite into your office as far away from the ones
you invite into your bedroom as possible; in separate states
is a safe didtance for starters. After you decide to come out
on the job this distance can be decreased. What follows are
some slightly humorous tips for you more timid pansies who
would rather not let your petals unfold in public.
***********
* Most companies have a mandatory physical before you start
work. If you're lucky, it will be a company that allows you
to go to your own doctor; but in my own experience, it's
usually one they contract with. You got to square one and
got the job; don't blow the physical. Doctors have a way of
writing comments on the exam which find their way into your
personnel profile. When you report for your physical, wear
underwear. Keep it conservative. Doctors don't find bikini
briefs that say "home of the wopper" funny, anyway they'll
find out for themselves if it is a whooper or not. Leave
cock rings, body harnesses, etc at home. the hemmoroid test
is a hard one to pass, especially if you're accustomed to
having anything larger than a couple of fingers up your ass.
If his hand disappears to the wrist, you may have to answer
a few questions. Of course you can tell the doc that your
hobby is flag pole siiting and you slipped once.
* Clothes Make the man! First impressions will be formed from
how you're dressed. Don't come to the office on the first
day wearing your best cruising 501's, plum colored Lacoste
shirt, and matching web belt. They may have gotton you rave
reviews last night, but won't win brownie points with the
boss. Nice buns aren't usually a measurment in salary rev-
iews, except if you happen to be a bartender or bath house
attendant. If you're either of these, why are you reading
this in the first place?
* Never! report for a new job dressed in drag; unless you can
pull it off well. If you must go in drag; I suggest you watch
the movie "Tootsie" again for helpful hints. there's
a serious shortage of talented female management.
* Body language may also give you away. Try to refrain from
letting your weight shift to one side as you place your
hand on your waist while standing chatting. I know this
is comfortable for a lot of us, but the person may think
you're playing "I'm a little teacup" or worse.
* limp wrists are a definite no-no! If questions areise,
tell your co-workers you broke your wrists in a skiing
accident and they never set properly, and hope they bel-
ieve it.
* Look at how you hold your cigarette and how your male peers
do. I can always pick out the fairies in conference rooms.
They look more like Betty Davis then executives. Leave the
gold cigarette holder at home and snuff your butts out with
conviction. Butch your act up! Take in a few old Bogey,
James Dean, and John Wayne flicks. You'll pick up valuable
butch cigarette holding tecnique. Variuos cop show re-runs
are also helpful. These movies can also be used as training
vehicles to overcome limp wristedness and other body lang-
uage quirks.
* When starting a new job, don't cross your legs at the knee
unless your boss does.
* Don't offer to do your secretary's hair for that new look
unless she asks. Exchanging quiche recipes with the girls
in the office is also not recommended.
* If your voice is effeminate, work at becomming more of a
baritone. Singing along with Ray Charles or Louis Armstrong
records in the shower is good practice.
* Refrain from waering leather body harnesses under your
business suit. If you're involved in a job related accident
and are rushed to the hospital, serious questions may arise,
unless you can produce a note from an othopedic surgeon stat-
ing it's for medical reasons.
* Colored bandanas worn from the left or right back pocket are
also not recommended, unless they complement the suit.
* If you're caught reading The Advocate, you can always say that
the mail boy must have delivered it to you by mistake.
If this doesn't work, invite the other party to scan the
pink pages with you. This move will either get you back out
on the steet in a hurry or get you into the gay office net-
work.
* If your lover sends you flowers at the office, you can tell
your co-workers that they're from your long lost brother
Euclid from Deluthe. This ploy usually only works at most twice
* Remotely related to 7. If you bring your lover along to com-
pany picnics and introduce him as your roomate keep your act
clean. Blowing kisses to each other or playing footsie can
raise suspicion. If you're over 30, they may already suspect!
No-one over the age of 25 has roomates.
* When meeting a male business contact for the first time, give
a firm handshake, and never cruise his crotch; no mat-
ter how cute he is.
* Statisticly, mail boys, young maintenance men, and stock
clerks are among the hunkiest in the work force. They are
also statisticly, straight! I don't care that if they wear
a red hankie in the left pocket; they use them to blow their
noses in, unlike you.
* If the boy in item 11 is wearing faded 501's and is wearing
a "Fire Island Pines 84" tee shirt, then forget my warning
in 11. I'm not right 100% of the time.
* If all the women in the office are after you and don't know
why you're not interested you can brush away suspicion by
telling them you're faithfuk to your wife, pre-marital sex
goes against your religeous convictions, or that you have
herpes.Never say you have aids, too obvious.
* While on business trips, keep your toys, poppers, and Bob
Damron guide in a safe place away from prying eyes. Of
course if someone in your party sees it and asks, "hey
Frank, can I borrow your Damron Guide", then offer to do
the town with him.
* This one's a toughie. You went out last night and brought
someone back to your hotel room. Only one bed had been
occupied. you're wearing only a jockstrap and he's only
got a body harness on. Your boss drops by to go over some
figures. There is a way out of this which I used myself!
You simply tell him that you ran into an old college chum
who needed a place to stay. He has a back problem and has
to wear an appliance. You spent the night at the local "Y"
and just got back from working out in the gym. Things could
get interesting if the boss starts undressing and tells your
friend to move over.
* Don't order quiche at a company lunch fort self explanatory
reasons. If other members of the party order it, then follow
suit. You may also follow them after work and find out where
the homo hot spots are
* If you're in a gey bar and a co-worker spots you, qiuck wits
can save your hide. I used the old excuse myself once, " oh hi
there George, gee I thought this was the Hoot Owl Lodge,
I guess I'll be going, see ya at the office". He'll probably
tell you he thought it was the Hoot Owl Lodge also and ex-
cuse himself. Let him think you're leaving and blend into the
crowd. If you see him out there dancing shirtless and snort-
ing poppers, the two of you have a lot talk about back at the
office.
* If you're in a gay bar and your boss spots you, use the same
tactics described in 17, unless he asks you to dance; then
let him lead. There could be a promotion in this one for you.
* It's not smart to leave matchbooks from bars in your office.
Names like; The Ramrod, The pit, The Cockring, naturally
attract attention.
* Remember to always keep your tables of Monday Morning Pro-
nouns in order. This goes for bar names and geograph-
ical locations as well as men's names. A good smokescreen
starts with believable bullshit.
* Those of you who work around computers a lot, no doubt have
dialed up into one of those outside gay computer bulletin
boards and dating services from the office. If you're sit-
at your terminal and the display reads "Welcome To the
Crotch, your Gay Computer dating service" and a co-worker
walks in, discreetly kick the plug out of the wall before
he can look at the screen. If he sees it you can always
laugh and tell him,"Heh Heh, what will those guys in the
computer room think up next"? Of course he may ask you for
the phone number to get into The Crotch and offer you one to
The Dungeon in trade.
* You're in the company cafeteria with an important client and
a very effeminate mailboy who saw you last night at the bar
starts waving his arms, trying to catch your attention. He
also catches your client's. An easy way out of this is to ask
your client if it's someone he knows. The ball is in his
court now.
* You return to your office. Your secretary tells you a call
came in for you from a very frantic man who claims you gave
him a dose of the clap. I really can't help you with this one
except to give you some advice. In the future don't be
so free with your office number while in the throes of pas-
sion.
* You're at the baths and in the orgy room, which is dark. You
reach out and grab an especially interesting organ, whisp-
ering to it's owner, "let's go back to my room". Coming into
the light, you realize it's your boss. Again I can't help
you. I can tell you a friend of mine was in this very situt-
ion and went from junior accountant to conteoller in three
years.
* You're in the hall and a menacing maintenacne man points and
shouts, "there's that fuckin queer" in your direction while
you're in the company of an important client. Look him in the
eye, point back,bare your teeth and in the butchest tone
you can muster up retaliate, "who you callin queer ya mutha
fuckka"! This will confirm your masculinity to your client
and intimidate your nemesis. One important point. I hope
you've been practicing with your Ray Charles records before
this happens.
* Avoid all male office conversations that you know nothing
about to prove your butchness. When asked what you thought
of the Pats vs Lakers game you can say something like,"gee
I missed it","the TV is broke", or "I was tuning up my Vette
and forgot it". It helps to have a Corvette if you choose
the latter. Remember! these excuses only work a few times.
After a while the guys will wonder why your TV's been broke
for 9 months. There's also a bright side; your boss may think
that you can't afford to have it fixed, and give you
a raise so you can buy a new one.
* You want to fit in at the office, right! You'll have to go
out with the guys once in a while. You may find yourself at
a strip joint after work. If you can't get into shouting,"
Take it off!" as Tessie the Torso comes on stage, here's a
little hint to get you in the mood. It's usually dark in
these places, so you can close your eyes without being not-
iced. Now! close your eyes and imagine it's a hunky college
jock in tank top and running shorts. You'll be shouting and
banging on the table along with the best of them. If Tessie
comes up to the table your group is sitting at and sticks
her crotch in your face, try to keep from gagging or faint-
ing. It will definitly blow your cover unless you can con-
vince the group you swallowed an ice cube or were so over-
come with lust that you fainted. I'll warn you that you'll
probably be the one she comes to. Chances are, you're a lot
better looking than the clowns you're with. Don't handle
this one too well or they'll invite you along every time
they go.
* When you have the boys from the office over for a few drinks,
and you'll have to sooner or later; take stock
of your apartment beforehand. If you have a lover, send him
out to the store before they get there, preferably one in
another state. Remember the little things also, the Hunks
calendar in the bathroom, the Mandate and Honcho's on the
coffee table. The lube and poppers in the bedroom, and the
male nude statues and pictures you may have. hide these all
in a safe place. In the attic or in the trunk of your car
are good bets. If you have a playroom, keep it locked. Rem-
ember, people like to explore. If you're in a closet, that's
where all your gay appparel will have to go when the boys
drop by.
* Sex always rears it's ugly head in male office gossip. I've
adopted "the better left unsaid" attitude here. You'll hear
a lot of who's porking who, etc. Simple responses of "Yeah"
"uh-huh, right-on, etc" work. When asked about your own sex-
ual prowess, keep it simple,"Oh I do alright for myself, no
complaints!" wins points. You become a bit of a sexual en-
igma to your office buddies who figure you're probably a
real stud. The one who is getting the most, usually says the
least. These guys are well aware of this, why do you think
they're doing all the boasting. Remember! male insecurity.
* If you're confronted by a real homophobe, I know one brute
force statement that usually shuts them up and makes them
think. I used it on one occasion, and my accuser backed off
never to mention it again. You have to be partway out of the
closet for it to work and be prepared for the consequences.
Are you ready? here it is! Look the sucker straight in the
eye and say with conviction," I'm more of a man than you'll
ever be and more woman than you'll ever get"!!
* If you yearn to find another fairy to have lunch with and
in general want a kindred spirit available for socializing
there are subtle ways of feeling out who's who in the off-
ice. If your radar is working, you may suspect one or two
people in your area. get chatty with them and discretly
drop a gay buzzword or two here and there. Try to work in
such word and phrases as; Tea Dance, Brunch, Bette davis
Movies, Bette Midlet concerts, or interesting newspaper
articles dealing with gays "Terrorists hold 200 men hostage
in San Francisco Club Baths". If their reaction to your
buzzwords is "huh!" or "whaddya say" then drop the subject
but if the other person asks you if you attended the sleaze
party at the Cockpit last Saturday you might want to find
an empty conference room to chat in.
* A lot of Hi-Tech companies use computers for everything
from budgeting/forecasting to listing what's for lunch in
the cafeteria. You may even have a terminal at your desk
and have access to electronic mail and other goddies. It's
not too wise to send gay gossip over the wires. Computer
operators have a way of eavesdropping on users.
* Closely related to the above is the utility of database
management. You may be tempted to create a database from
your little black book, filling it with all the vital
statistics of every trick you've had since age 13. My ad-
vice to you is one word,"Don't!". If your black book riv-
als a small town's phone directory, chances are your data
base will hog a large chunk of the computer's memory. Sys-
tems people have a way of looking at suspiciously large
computer files, especially if your name the file,HUNKS.LIS.
* If all else fails, your cover gets blown and you find your-
self out in the job market again, buy the latest issue of
The Advocate and turn to the pink pages. You can easily find
a job as a bar manager, bath house attendant, or masseur.
You'll be surprised at how many of the people who gave you
grief in the above you'll run into. Now it's their turn
to make the excuses.
Epilog
********
Hope you all enjoyed this romp along the corridors of industry.
In future installments I'll ramble on about roomates, hobbies,
computer bulletin boards, classified ads and more from my up-
coming motion picture, "The World According to Jason"
$ sdyer@bbncca.ARPA (Steve Dyer) (11/09/84)
I am trying to examine exactly why I disliked this so-called "satire"
so much. I found a small part mildly amusing, most of it pretty lame,
and the remainder really sad. It reminded me of the articles and
columns found in the throw-away "newspapers" available free in some
gay bars; dishy/swishy stuff which captures a certain subculture of
the gay community.
And I realized: this is a kind of "ghetto humor." This is the self-
denigrating satire of the 50's and early 60's, which still lingers on
today.
I think it is important to reaffirm that this ghetto, the worlds of
closets, Bette Davis, opera divas, "queens", "fairies", "queers" and
drag, or leather harnesses, baths and VD, are but a small part of the
gay community, that membership in this ghetto is *NOT* necessary as a
gay person. That these are cultural artifices come from terrible
decades of oppression and discrimination, and that every gay person is
free not to buy into their distortions and lies.
I wondered whether I was being humorless. Then I thought about the kind
of stereotypes it traded in, if not wholeheartedly embraced: we must choose,
as it were, between the swish or the slut. Indeed, though I feel the
intentions of the author and poster are well-meaning, the fact remains
thay they have presented a gay "BLKTRAN", a similarly demeaning presentation
of black people presented on the net a while ago which drew an enormous
negative response. It is sad, too, that it comes from within the gay
community.
--
/Steve Dyer
{decvax,linus,ima,ihnp4}!bbncca!sdyer
sdyer@bbncca.ARPA