sdyer@bbncca.ARPA (Steve Dyer) (12/12/84)
This seems like an appropriate time to bring up again the issue of
how gay people handle the holidays, especially if they are involved
in serious relationships and the celebrations involve visiting family.
Most every gay person deals with this in some fashion, and it should be
interesting to get some opinions this year, with our larger audience.
My lover and I have spent the last six Christmases apart, at our
respective families, which are geographically separated. This is no
great tragedy, more an unfortunate circumstance, stemming from the fact
that we are not officially "out" to our families. I think we both
enjoy Christmas well enough, but are still aware of a sense of
separation over the holidays because of our decision to visit family.
What are other people's ways of celebrating the holidays while confronting
this issue, be it in alternative celebrations with friends, bringing your
lover home for the holidays, whatever. It should be interesting to see.
--
/Steve Dyer
{decvax,linus,ima,ihnp4}!bbncca!sdyer
sdyer@bbncca.ARPAlmf@drutx.UUCP (FullerL) (12/12/84)
My approach to this has been to take my lover home for Thanksgiving and stay here for Christmas. Fortunately, I am able to be out to my parents so there are no pretenses necessary and no hassles about sleeping arrangements. When I first came out to my parents they changed the subject every time I mentioned my lover's name. After a year and a few minor confrontations about their avoidance they started asking about her when we talked on the phone. At first I was frustrated that they weren't more accepting sooner (they were convinced that it was a phase). Now I realize that they came around in record time and I feel very lucky. Like a friend of mine pointed out "How long did it take you to accept your own lesbianism?" Thinking about that helped me be more patient. This year without any prompting, they bought Christmas presents for my lover and her daughter. Also after Thanksgiving dinner my sister pointed out to my Mother that she has 3 grandkids now. I couldn't be more pleased. This is our first Christmas together and my lovers other daughter is coming to visit, so it will be a family celebration with the 4 of us. Peace and Happiness, Lori Fuller ihnp4!drutx!lmf
maf@unisoft.UUCP (Mary Ann K. Finnerty) (12/13/84)
When I came out, January of '77, I told my mom right away. I tell her everything, though, so it wasn't as big a deal. (She didn't hear me, though, for a long time.) This year, since my lover's mother is temporarily living with us, we will spend Christmas Eve at home - with her, of course, and then Christmas Day we will all go out to Pleasant Hill to see my sister and her family and have dinner there. In general, although I went through a number of years exclusively dating married women, whenever I have had a lover that I was serious about, we shared the holidays. If we had Christmas at one's family, we had Thanksgiving at the other's. If we had Thanksgiving home with our friends, then we would split Christmas Eve and Christmas day - half 'n half. It is different, of course, being ``out'' to my family. But I find that even if the secret is a small one, it separates me from the person I am keeping it from...the way that emotional ``linking'' happens, it just gets harder to make contact... My lover and I were having a problem for a while partially because I was keeping a secret from her (rationalizing it with ``I am protecting HER...'') and it lessened the quality of our interaction. I am finally learning, as 30 approaches, that the idea of protecting someone else is, not only more egotism than I previously thought, but usually a way that I avoid confronting my own doubts and fears. The other person is usually due more credit than I attribute to them. My mother told me this past summer, when I asked her why at 63 she had been so ``cool'' about my ``coming out'', and she said that she would have been sick about it if she thought I was doing something that I was ashamed of - but that, since I seemed more confident and happy than she'd previously known me to be, and appeared comfortable with the choice, she felt comfortable about it, too. (she did manage to add, to my chagrin, that at least all of my women friends and lovers looked like ``normal women,'' but that is her upbringing - just like I end up saying things based on my background...how different would my attitudes about life be if I were brought up in Scarsdale instead of the east side of Bayonne, NJ??) Well, everyone, as the song says: ``Have yourself a merry little Christmas, Make the yuletide gay!!'' Mary Ann Finnerty (unisoft!maf)
rjw@ptsfc.UUCP (Rod Williams) (12/20/84)
IMy lover and I celebrate the holidays differently every year.
This is not really by choice, but more by circumstance. He's a
nurse and is normally expected to work either Christmas Day or
New Year's Eve - he seems to alternate from year to year. As
both our parents are dead and our siblings are widely scattered,
there is really no question of our joining *family* for the
season, so we tend to have a mix of quiet-evenings-together and
festive-parties-with-friends.
We sometimes throw a Christmas Party; one time we went to see
"Meet Me In St Louis" at the Castro Theatre, followed by
Moo Shoo Pork at the Chinese Restaurant across the street;
another time, we went to a black tie party in London; another
time was snowbound in Tahoe with a hot-tub and a bottle of
champagne. We've made a tradition of breaking with *tradition*.
The one *tradition*, which now seems to be one without which
Christmas wouldn't be Christmas, is the Tree Trimming Party at
our friend Bill's. Every year, Bill invites 10-20 people to
help adorn his tree - he believes in hanging at least one light
and one ornament from every twig to create an affect described
by one regular invitee as Very Italian. The theme of the party
varies from year to year - we've had Irish Coffee Evenings,
Egg Nog Afternoons, Champagne Brunches - but the tree is always
the same. The same people always make the same tacky comments
about the same ornaments ("that angel looks like he's just..."
or "I thought plastic snowflakes went out with the hula hoop")
and the affair always ends with Christmas Carols around the
piano and disparaging comments about anyone with the temerity
to leave early.
--
Rod Williams
dual!ptsfa!ptsfc!rjw