scott@yale.ARPA (Walter Scott) (01/21/85)
Expires: Sender: Keywords: (from a net.singles posting a few days ago) >Are there in fact any people out there who are HAPPY with their lives, >and with their relationships? > Just getting this nagging feeling... > ---tpc--- I have never posted to net.singles before, though I have read it off and on for the past year. For what it's worth, I will offer, briefly, my life example as evidence of hope for tpc and the rest of the net. I am sure that there are many people reading this group who are satisfied with their relationships and do not post as much as the unhappy ones who have more motivation to write. So, as a happy reminder... Yes, I am happy with my life, and extremely happy with my relationship. Strange words for me to type -- until a few months ago I had never had any relationship at all, healthy or no. Not a surprising state of affairs, considering my age (18) and characterization by peers throughout adolescence as a computer nerd, weenie, outcast intellectual etc. leaving me with precious little social experience. When I got to Yale in the Fall of 1983 things exploded. In high school I was such an outcast that asking someone out on a date was unthinkable. Romance was far out of reach, and so to some extent out of mind. At Yale I became one of the seekers at last. I dated. I made friends. I reached out -- and got burned. Reading the netnews, I saw my own frustration, loneliness, and misery in the postings of Jeff Sargent and others. At the time, it seemed that the most important thing in the world was to find somebody to love. Looking back, it becomes obvious that I was in no condition to begin or sustain a healthy relationship. I was too neurotic/miserable/insecure/[your adjective here]. The most important thing in the world for anyone is THEMSELVES. Once I realized this, I put the "search" on hold and learned to love myself first. It got worse before it got better. I was already too far gone, and slipping fast. It took 7 weeks in a psycho ward and a year of therapy for me to get to where I am now: happy with my life for the first time in years. And I'm still not finished. I have at least a year more to go in therapy and I am not returning to Yale until September. And, [getting finally to the point] just a few months ago, around the time when I felt like I was finally beginning to get my life in order and be happy with my life as a single person, POOF! I went to a party and met a fascinating MOTOS named Sheba; she called me up a week later and we went out a couple of times and ZAP! There we were, falling in love. It was, needless to say, an incredible boost to my self-image, among other things. ("Somebody loves ... me? Nawwww, that doesn't happen in the REAL world...") Well, our relationship as it stands now is just golden, fabulously healthy and stable. Ok, so it's only been a few months. We work at our relationship to keep it going and growing and getting better as we both live, grow, and change. We could break up in a few months, or maybe we'll be together for a year, two years, ten years, or the rest of our lives. Who knows? But even were she to be struck by lightning tomorrow, the fact that I have finally loved and been loved once has greatly changed my worldview for the better. So my message, such as it is, based on my limited experience is: don't give up hope. Be patient. Try to put more energy into enjoying your own life and being a full, lovable person, instead of agonizing over the current situation, your seeming current selection of possible mates, etc. The more that you like yourself the easier it is to take risks and get rejeced. ("Hey, so she's not the one for me. Big deal. I'm still OK.") Well, before this gets too long-winded or preachy, that's all folks. I don't usually have the time energy or guts to post to the net, but now that I find myself in the strange position of being more or less happy and fulfilled in my own life, perhaps I can make a contribution or three. I don't profess to have all the answers, but I do what I can. Love to all, Walter Scott p.s. Regarding the multiple posting of this article to net.motss. I have reasons for doing this, but that would require another article of explanation. Any follow ups (if necessary) should go to net.singles.