levasseur@morgan.DEC (02/11/85)
The following article in no way reflects the opinions of
Digital Equipment Corporation, my terminal which is madly
in love with the VAX it's tied into or the janitor who just
emptied my waste basket. Any resemblance between characters
in this article and anyone on net.motss is strictly coincid-
ental. I hope this helps some of you who can identify with
the situations Danny put me through come to grips with simil-
ar situations you may be wrestling with.......
Dropping Out and Liking It
or
How to Survive the Breakup of a Bad Relationship
Jason
This article doesn't come from discussions at gay rap groups
but from my own experience and that of friends who I've helped
deal with their breakups. I'm very happy for those who have a
warm, loving relationship that is stable. I have found out that
in the gay world this is a rare commodity indeed.
I met Danny five years ago at a friend's Labor Day cookout. At
the time I was unattached and Danny showed interest, so we talk-
ed all through the day and exchanged the obligatory phone num-
bers; promising to get together. I had a strange gut feel about
the guy but couldn't put a finger on what it was. He was quite
handsome, intelligent (or so it seemed) and charming; almost too
charming as I remember.
The following Friday my roomate and I had just sat down to eat
when the phone rang. It was Danny asking if he could come over
for a while. I asked Lauren if it was ok with him and he nodded.
Lauren was just getting over the breakup of a very bad 2 year
relationship with an alcoholic. He was at the party where I met
Danny and also had funny feelings about him but wrote it off as
just his own paranoia about getting involved.
In four months I was very much in love and agreed to move in
with Danny. Once I moved in; I started learning a lot of things
that would have swayed my decision toward calling it quits with
Dan. He knew what he was doing all right. He was on his best be-
havior until he knew I was his. I first learned he had herpes
from his brother whom I had become good friends with. His broth-
er also told me about the pathological lieing, alcoholism, and
psychotic episodes the family was target of. When I tried talk-
ing to Dan about his brother and my conversations; he blew up!
Dan told me that his brother was schizoid and had been put away
for two years. He managed to convince me this was the truth so
I avoided his brother for a while. I learned in time that every
word his brother Jim told me was 100% fact.
I would come home from work to find him quite drunk and in a
nasty mood. Sometimes he would go out and not return for a coup-
le of days, telling me it was none of my business where he had
been. He also made a point of buttering up most of my friends and
attempted to do the same with my family; who saw through him
from day one. Mom couldn't convince me that he was no good since
my emotions had blinded my thinking. I was determined to make this
relationship work and at times even Danny seemed to want to
make an effort. His efforts were sporadic; one week he was kind
and loving, the next impossible to live with.
This went on for three years until I started losing my zest for
just about everything. I started drinking more than I should and
became moody. My performance at the office took a nosedive and
I was warned to, "Straighten up, or else!" In my entire working
career I had always been rated as an excellent worker. I knew
that I was unhappy in the relationship but was afraid to break it
off since Dan had threatened to cause mayhem if I did. He was
always telling me how insecure I was; it was really him who was
the more insecure. I made a conscious effort to remove myself from
Dan while living with him. This gave me the emotional distance I
needed to make the important decision to drop out.
Danny knew something was up with me. The day I decided to have
the summit talks with him, he came home carrying flowers for me
and champagne. I told him how I felt about all the shenannigans
he'd pulled and that things would have to change. He flew into a
rage, smashing the champagne bottle on the coffee table then
stormed out of the apartment.
Two days later I got a call from him. He was crying and begged
to come back. Just for the record; this happened about once a
month, this time being the last. When he knew I was serious he
threatened suicide. He came and picked up his things the follow-
ing Saturday. Nothing was said between us and I thought I'de seen
the last of him. Over the next few weeks I got quite a few
phone calls from friends of mine telling me he had visited them
telling about what a rotten person I was, about my psychotic ep-
isodes and my alcoholism. He also called the office and told my
boss that I was gay and he was my lover. We had taken some Pol-
oroids of us in bed when we first met. I never thought to look
for them. I got a call from my mother who was very upset. You
guessed it; he had sent the pictures to my mother. The guy was
trying his best to ruin me before he left. The phone rang at all
hours of the night with just silence on the other end. I called
the police who just laughed about the two fags having a lover's
quarrel. This went on for two months, until a friend of his drop-
ped by to visit. He told me Dan left for San Francisco the day
before and that he had many questions about Dan himself. We sat
up until four a.m. and I learned a lot more about the character.
I had met an ex-lover of Dan's once. I knew he lived in Boston
and gave him a call. He was only too happy to have me over to
talk. The story of his year with Danny was a carbon copy of what
I was going through. After Dan finished trying to ruin Ralph, he
hopped a plane for Chicago; two years before meeting me. Danny
told me that he had always lived in Massachusetts when we met. I
learned that he had lived all over the country, raising havoc with
every life he touched, then moving on.
That's one of my stories. It seems very similar to ones that
friends have told me about past lovers. I swear there must be a
factory somewhere in Detroit that manufactures these people.
Now ole Jason will share some hints on how to recover from such
an affair.
* The two of you have had the same serious fight for the 175 th
time, you've broken up 3 or 4 times and things always seemed
to be better for a few weeks after you got back together but
you don't feel like you can handle another round. Fine! it may
be time to part company. If the guy is sane, then the two of
you can shake hands, hug and fade into each other's history.
You might even go on to become bosem buddies. If he's at all
like Danny, read on.
* If you fear that your lover may be violent when you break the
news that it's over, have a friend nearby who is willing to
take you in for a while. You may want to tell him in a semi-
public place where there are other people present; preferably
not a bar.
* Warn your friends that he may be dropping by to tell his tale
of woe. If they're really your friends you won't be hearing
what a hot lay he was from them. They probably will show him
the way to the door.
* You may also be hearing from his friends after the breakup. Be
very careful on the phone when talking to them; he may be lis-
tening on an extension and trying to get the goods on you. Be
polite but brief unless you really know his friends better than
you knew him.
* He may try to contact your family; giving all the sordid det-
ails of the relationship. If you're not out to Mom, this may
be a good time to come out gracefully to her,"Uh! Mom, you know my
roomate Larry, weeeelllll there's something I've been wanting
to share with you about him and I". She's probably figured
it out after visiting your one bedroom apartment anyway.
* Once the bum's out get his keys back, then have the locks
changed. This is very important if your now, ex is anything
like my Danny. It can ruin your whole day to come home from
work to find only a lone coffee table in the living room, the
one he smashed the champagne bottle on. Also have the phone
number changed; preferably to an unlisted one. This will help
keep harassment to a minimum via the phone.
* If you're afraid he'll call the office, it helps to be out to
your boss. I was working for a woman at the time when I warned
her about Danny calling. She told me that she had dated a guy
much like Dan and that she'd take care of the twerp. What she
did was cruel but I loved it. He called her as I feared he
would. My boss just said,"Oh really, uh huh, uh huh, well I'm
sleeping with him now!" She told me Dan hung up post haste. If
you're not out to the boss you can always warn he or she that an
escaped lunatic may call claiming to be God. It just helps to
warn the boss that some slightly deluded individual may call
and to ignore them.
* Make sure all your valuables are in a safe place like at Mom's
house when the shit hits the fan. Take inventory of all valu-
able receipts, titles, bank and check books, etc and put them
somewhere out of reach. Go see Mom again.
* If he's left anything behind, don't throw it away for a while,
at least until you're sure he's gone for good. He may be back
looking for his stuff later and raise a real stink if you've
canned everything.
* If you own anything jointly, get an agreement in writing of who
gets the property. You can only do this if the ex is rational
and isn't carrying a gun. The same goes for money in joint
savings/checking accounts. Better still, if the two of you hav-
en't been together for an appreciable length of time, then
separate accounts are a wiser decision. Users will usually press-
ure you from the beginning to pool your resources; beware!
* If he starts pleading to come back and you've been through the
same melodrama with him before, be firm in letting him know
it's over but don't threaten, "If I see your fucking face ar-
ound here I'll kill you". This will only get the turkey upset
and start him gobbling all the more. Try to let him think that
there may be a chance in the future (like the year 2013) that
the two of you may be able to make a go of it again. These guys
don't handle rejection very well, much worse than the rest of
us.
* Another ploy he may use is the,"Let's just sleep together one
time" routine. It's wise to just say NO! With your jumbled up
emotions, you'll probably take him back again for the 147 th
time and wind up where you started. Remember that this guy can
probably read you like a book and play you like a piano. Being
firm will let him know in a very short time that you mean bus-
iness. You have seen through him and he's aware that others
have also. He's terrified of going it alone again because he
may not be so lucky landing another sucker in the future. He'll
be forced to face himself and users don't want to do that; do
they. Resist the Siren's song at all costs.
* Well! you're all alone now in this big apartment, right! Take
my advice and don't go rushing out to fill the void with an-
other warm body. Nature abhors a vacuum and so do newly part-
ed lovers. You're very vulnerable now and risk attracting an
even worse turkey. These users/losers can smell an easy mark
ten miles away and will try sweet talking their way into your
life. It's now time for you to take stock of yourself. Chances
are that when the two of you were together, you didn't have much
time for yourself. Indulge in a hobby, call a long neglected
friend over for dinner, take a night course, etc. The import-
ant thing right now is to fill your time with things you enjoy
doing.
* You may go through a period of promiscuity where you'll screw
anything that stands still long enough. This is fine as long
as it doesn't become a habit or depressing. Make sure you're
not looking for the deep loving sex you had with what's his
name while sowing your wild oats. Whoring around has become
somewhat of a hazard with the advent of AIDS. If you don't
feel good about being a slut for a while, then don't!
* You may try getting involved with a gay social group if there's
one convenient to you. This will offer you a non bar social
outlet, unless the ex shows up; then go back home and watch
Dynasty. Chances are that the ex will move off to places un-
known; especially if he's like Danny.
* Allow yourself to mourn the loss of a relationship. You've
probably put a lot of effort into it and it's ok to feel bad
even though the guy was a loser. After a while you may feel
anger, even rage when you realize the ride you were taken on.
It's ok to be mad. Call up a friend and let him know how you
feel. If the bad feelings become obsessive, call a shrink if
necessary. He'll let you be angry and might give you one of
those foam rubber bats to smack the chair with in effigy to
your ex.
* I find that working with people who are hurting worse than me
helps get my mind off my own loss. It might help to volunteer
time manning a hot-line, visiting the elderly or doing volun-
teer work with handicapped people.
* Now is also a good time to stay away from alcohol and drugs.
They may make the hurt go away right now, but only prolong it
in the long run.
* If you've had a continuous track record of Dannys, then it's
now time to do some serious soul searching into the reasons
that you attract these losers in the first place. Are you an
emotional masochist, are you too nice and trusting a person?
These guys will walk a mile to attach themselves to people like
you. This may be the time to be a little more cynical, as bad
as it may sound. Friends may be able to add some insight into
why a nice guy like you attracts these jerks.
* If Mr. loser disappears into a black hole somewhere, don't be
afraid to look up an old ex of his or chat with his friends.
This isn't prying so much as it is therapy. They may share in-
formation with you that will help you get over the ex in a much
shorter time. It's ok to reality test.
* Lastly, I hope you learn from your mistakes as I have. I'm much
better off because of Danny. The relationship with him taught me
many valuable lessons about what I do/don't want out of life.
* When you do meet who you may think is Mr. Wonderful, don't rush
into the vine covered cottage after 2 weeks. Take time to get to
him as a friend, date, court; it can be lots of fun and when the
two of you decide to bed down together, much more satisfying.
Even if the two of you never sleep together, you may have gained
a valuable new friend. Remember you may not have a lover but you
can never have too many good friends
***************************hav@dual.UUCP (Helen Anne Vigneau) (02/16/85)
I really enjoy your "Jason" articles, and I was wondering whether you would
be willing to cross-post them to net.singles (or at least post a pointer to
this group there). I think they have just as much relevance to straight
relationships as to gay ones. This current one is one good example; another
that I can think of off the top of my head is the bar scene one (how to have
a hobby instead of going to bars every night).
Comments?
Helen Anne
{ucbvax,ihnp4,cbosgd,hplabs,decwrl,unisoft,fortune,sun,nsc}!dual!hav
If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music he hears,
however measured or far away.