levasseur@morgan.DEC (03/19/85)
The following article in no way reflects the opinions of
|d|i|g|i|t|a|l| Equipment Corporation. It is strictly from
my own observations and self evaluation; a subject near and
dear to my heart, "Friends and Roomates"
P.S. Whhheeeeeee! I'm leaving for San Francisco tomorrow to
spend a week with a friend I met via net.motss.
**************************************************************
Frenz 'n' Roomies
Jason
A lot of us who happen to be gay spend much more time with
friends and roomates than our straight counterparts. Matter of
fact; those of us who don't have lovers may end up spending
most of our lives with various roomates. Of course there are
two alternatives to having a roomie; living alone (expensive)
or living with mother; not a good idea unless you're into guilt.
I try to pick my friends and roomates as I would a fine wine;
with care and a lot of thought. There are those who settle for
the equivalent of Ripple or Mad Dog wine in their selection of
commrades. You get what you pay for in both; either a wonderful
bouquet, or an upset stomach. Sometimes I find myself re-eval-
uating my existing base of friends and pruning away the dead-
wood; those relationships that no longer seem to work for me.
After all, life is a dynamic process and as I change so do my
needs. I've had to write off as fully depreciated, some friend-
ships where the other party felt comfortable festering in a pool
of self hatred and negative vibes. I used to be that way many
years ago and attracted like minded people. I'm at the point
where I'm liking myself as a gay man and want to associate with
others who feel the same. As I give off more positive feelings,
the old group of cronies I hung out with in bars who are still
fighting mental ghosts are avoiding me. They just don't want
to climb out of the rut that they've dug for themselves.
So here I am, shopping around for new friends and a possible
roomie. "How does Jason do this?" you may ask. Well let me tell
you; it ain't easy and requires a lot of hard work and attent-
ion to detail. I'll talk friends first, and then roomates. I've
found that making new friends requires a sensitivity to what's
going on during an initial introduction. In the book "Contact,
The First Four Minutes" it's repeatedly mentioned that the first
four minutes of any relationship are the most important. We've
all been introduced to people in social situations where after
five or ten minutes the relationship just kind of petered out
with a polite, "Ah! nice talking to ya, ah, see ya!" These 10
minute friendships outnumber the long lasting ones 100 to 1.
On the other hand there are the people I meet where there is an
unexplainable, instant rapport. These are the friendships which
I don't seek out but which find me and usually end up as longer
lasting (sometimes years) relationships. The chemistry that goes
into intimate friendships is as mysterious as that which lovers
are made of. Sit and think about what makes you and X such close
friends. You'll find that there's just a warm fuzzy feeling when
you're with X that may not be there with Y; an easy mutual inter
change of communication that doesn't exist with others.
As I said earlier, I sometimes find it necessary to weed out
friendships that don't work any more. This may sound cruel but
it really isn't. Many years ago when I really didn't like myself
as a gay man, I attracted similar people or rescuers. I now real-
ize that the rapport and commradships that developed were negat-
ive in nature; misery loves company. These were just a bunch of
guys to get drunk and complain with. The rescuers were guys who
felt sorry for poor little me and soon grew tired of my bitching
and negativity. As my self worth increased, I gave off different
vibes which attracted a much more interesting and satisfying
group to me. I'm finding it harder to make new friends now since
I've become more selective. The men who still wallow in self hat-
red; who are legion in number, avoid contact with me. Bottom line
is that I've traded quantity for quality.
The definition of friend varies from man to man. I hear a lot
of guys in the bars refer to everyone they've ever chatted or
tricked with as a friend. My definition is a little more con-
stricted. A friend to me is someone I feel comfortable with and
can trust; both with my material posessions and my emotions. He's
there whenever I need him as I am for him. We enjoy each other's
company and share a lot of time together; whether face to face,
by phone, letter or computer link. There's also a lot of sharing;
if he needs a loan I'll provide it, if I need to be picked up at
the airport, he's there. We're shoulders for each other to cry on
as well as sounding boards for each other's ideas. There's a lot
of laughter and love exchanged between us. It's hard work search-
ing for this kind of commradship but well worth the investment
when it comes.
I've grown to cherish the friends I have very much. As a gay
person, they have become somewhat of an extended family; satis-
fying needs that my blood relatives cannot. We need our friends
much more than our married heterosexual counterparts since in a
lot of cases; they're all we've got. They should be treated with
dignity and love; not dishing and head trips.
So let's get on with it and gather up a bunch of people we
enjoy being with. Those of you who live in rural areas may have
a harder time finding gay kinship; in which case you may have a
lot of commuting to do.
* I don't usually meet quality friends in the bars; especially
discos. Discos seem to attract phonies and other assorted
lifeforms; plus the decibel level is usually too high to prom-
ote meaningful conversation. Of course discos are fun places
to party once you have a circle of companions; provided they
like to dance.
* The local neighborhood gay pub is a little better place to
start. Quite often, the initial attraction in a bar is sexual.
I've very seldom had a man come up to me saying, "Gee you seem
nice, wanna be friends?" It usually starts out, "Hey you're a
hot man, wanna come to my place for a drink?" If they don't find
me physically attractive, the boys usually stay away.
Going to bed seems to be a rite of passage into friendship in
the bars. I've met a couple of good friends in the bars who I
first slept with; then got to know. Of course it helped that
we also enjoyed each other's company and had similar inter-
ests. I can tell when a friendship is forming; the mutual interest
level remains high, communication remains open and relaxed and
introductions to each other's friends are exchanged.
* Gay church groups such as Dignity, M.C.C., Integrity, etc are
good places to meet quality people. I've found these people to
be much more honest, mature and interesting than those I've met at
Tea Dance.
* Gay social and rap groups can also be a good potential source
of commrades. I met my best friend of many years at a gay soc-
ial group pot luck dinner. The atmosphere is usually more rel-
axed and conducive to conversation than the bars. Through the
rap group I've been able to see others in a more honest light;
find out about hobbies, hopes, fears, common interests, etc.
* Gay outdoor groups such as Chiltern Mountain Club offer an ex-
cellent way to meet nice people. If you love camping, cycling
canoeing and outdoor activities in general; then joining such
a group can offer an opportunity to meet a lot of like minded
folk. These groups tend to attract a more mature professional
crowd, which I find a refreshing change from the bar crowd. Of
course mountaineers like to wet their whistles and you may find
them also boogeying at Tea Dance. I learned about Chiltern
at a disco.
* Classified ads can be lots of fun but use caution when meeting
the other party. I would recommend meeting for the first time
in a public place that's mutually agreed upon. If you're just
looking to make new friends, then say it in the ad. An ad that
says, "GWM 23, 6'2", blond, Greek God seekd same for friends"
will probably get you laid; but not much else. Of course it
helps if you are really a Greek God. A lot of people who place
and respond to ads tend to grossly misrepresent themselves, so
you're taking a big gamble on what actually shows up at the agreed
meeting place. Don't be surprised if there are also a lot of
no-shows. I've placed two ads and have met two of my best friends
that way; also my first lover. It's an alternative that a lot
of people overlook but it can pay off if you place the right
kind of ad.
* Gay resorts like Provincetown can be a good place to meet new
people also. Although in the Summer, Provincetown tends to be
fast paced and everyone is too busy looking for Mr. Goodbar to
seem interested in making friends. I have met long distance
penpals at the guest houses I've stayed at. New friends don't
have to live on the next block; they can be a continent away.
It's nice to have open invitations to the other coast from someone
you met on vacation.
* Closely akin to classified ads are computer bulletin boards.
It helps to have access to a computer; personal or otherwise
and a way of accessing the board. This was an alternative I
never dreamed of until I found out about net.motss. Since then
I've made a few friends whom I've been in constant contact with;
two locally, the others scattered around the country.
Of course you can make new friends in the laundramat, sup-
ermarket or anywhere else for that matter. I've just mention-
ed a lot of places that have reaped rewards for me. Ok! now
you've got this rich social life but you're living alone and
X says, "Hey! I've been thinking, would you like to look for
a place together?" You may know instinctively that the two of
you will hit it off notoriously as roomies and say, "sure". I
tend to be a little more conservative. I may love moviegoing
with Joe, but would living with him put a strain on our friend
ship. It helps to really know your friend before taking the
plunge and signing a lease. Are you into Mozart and him into
heavy metal played at 3 am? It really helps to discuss expect-
ations on both parts rather then jump into a living arrange-
ment both of you may regret later. It may even help to spend
a few overnighters at each other's places to see how the two
of you relate under the same roof. So here I go again with
more bullets of wisdom on roomate selection.
* Ok let's say that you can no longer put up with staying at
Mom's. The old girl means well but she keeps finding your
poppers, lube and porno and is laying a guilt trip on you
about these items and why you stay out all weekend. All of
your friends either have lovers or roomates and there's no
room at the inn; whaddaya do? Well, check out some of the
groups mentioned above. Find out if anyone is looking for a
roomie. You can also go the classified ad route or enlist the
services of a roomate matching service. These businesses will
screen prospective cohabitors for you at a reasonable fee.
Make sure that the one you choose deals with gay matching so
that you avoid embarrissment at the counter.
* Ok! now you've found a potential partner; either friend or
stranger. How do you feel about living with this person? Trust
your gut feel; the little voice that says, "Yeah Jerry and I
will be good for each other" or "Jeeezze, what a jerk!" My
sixth sense has never let me down in these matters.
* What to negotiate and discuss? For openers, both should agree
on a geographical location; the gay ghetto, the burbs, the
sticks? How much room do each of you need? How much rent are
you willing to pay? Can you handle the rent alone for a while
if your roomie moves out? Who will supply what furniture? Will
the two of you share friends and throw dinner parties or go
separate ways like ships in the night? Will you share meals or
each buy his own food? Is your turf (bedroom) open to him since
your stereo will be there and he doesn't own one? How willing are
each of you to share your belongings; tv, stereo, books etc.
It's important to get this all out in the open during the prel-
iminary negotiations so you don't end up in a shouting match
over X playing your records.
* You've started talking about living together but may not have
been to each other's places yet. Visit each other's apart-
ments! Look around! Is your place meticulously kept; a picture
right out of house beautiful? Is his reminiscent of a toxic waste
dump or Hiroshima after the bomb? If you can't tolerate
this then a polite, "I don't think that it will work" should
suffice.
* How do you feel about his ability to pay his half of the rent?
If you're a software engineer making $45,000 a year and he's
a clerk at a store making $12,000, will he be able to cough up
the rent; especially if the apartment isn't cheap? Don't feel
bad about asking for references from previous tenents. Asking
an old roomate of his is also ok but they may also be friends
and covering for each other, "I won't tell the police what you
really have in the flour canister if you don't tell this guy
about my being six months behind in rent payments".
* Pets are another issue. Does either one of you own a pet and
how does the other person feel. Remember, not everyone loves
cats. If you both have pets, get the two of them together to
see how they get along. The two of you may get along well but
if his Doberman eyes your Siamese as a future meal; then it's
time to re-negotiate the living arrangement or scrap it.
* Drugs and alcohol can also be a problem. Are you a light or
non drinker and is he a pretty heavy one? Does your bottle of
12 year old scotch manage to evaporate every time he visits?
This is a touchy subject. You can just say, "Geee I'de really
like to share a place with you but I really don't feel good
about living with someone who drinks, sorry!" The same can be
applied to smokers. If you don't feel comfortable about people
who do drugs; find out up front if he's into grass, pills or
any other substance. Of course if the both of you could drain
a distillery or spend most of your time stoned, the arrange-
ment might work.
* Now the topic of sex rears it's lovely head. Do you find the
other party hotter than 3 Mile Island and how does he feel?
Many roomate arrangements have developed into lover relation-
ships. If the feeling isn't mutual it might be better to look
for someone else. One of my roomates fell in love with me and
it caused more problems than living at mother's since the feel
ing wasn't mutual. He became a fierce competitor whenever I
had a date. If he couldn't have me, he'd have the next best
thing; the guy I was seeing. Needless to say I didn't date much
during this time.
* How about tricks? You have thousands invested in antiques and
audio equipment. If you don't feel comfortable with your pot-
ential roomate bringing all kinds of strangers into your place
let him know that you'de rather not have tricks roaming around
taking inventory.
* Is your potential roomie a divorcee and does he have the kids
on weekends. If you'de rather not have children running around
let him know.
* Before you move in together ask to be introduced to his circle
of friends and have him meet yours. This is assuming that the
two of you aren't already friends. Do all of you get along to-
gether? There's nothing more agrivating than having a bunch of
people you can't stand hanging around your place. Also make it
clear about giving out apartment keys to friends. I personally
don't like having my place be a crash pad for wandering men.
These are just a few hints that I've used which have helped
me in the roomate selection process. Roomates can be a rich
source of new friends and good company in themselves. Ask your
self if you could become friends with this potential roomie
before you move in. Have a ball, may the network grow and serve
you well.