daemon@decwrl.UUCP (The devil himself) (04/03/85)
The opinions expressed here are not those of |d|i|g|i|t|a|l Equip-
mant Corporation but are of my own observations.
How We Differ From Them
=======================
I'm going to hang up my Jason pseudonym for this posting since it's a
topic that came up over the weekend in a long winded conversation with
friends and anyway; you all know who Jason really is! I was out walking
along Boylston Street in Boston with a friend on Sunday and a carload of
punks pulled alongside us and started shouting "Hey queer punks, wanna
get your pansy asses fucked?" etc. My companion turned red in the face
and bolted into the street at the car; shouting back obscenities. The car
took off at high speed. Neither Dan nor I exhibit any noticable effemin-
ate traits. Why did these jokers single us out for harassment? When we
got back to his place his roomate and a few friends were there. We spent
the evening discussing how we differ and how straight people can still
pick us out. The only thing that the group could figure was that the way
we were dressed tipped the punks off; Levi 501's, bomber jackets, short
cropped hair, moustaches and keys. So what! the straight kids are emulat-
ing the image now. It's getting so you can't tell the gays from straights
without pink triangles tatooed on our arms. I've given this a lot of thought
at other times and it sometimes bothers me that people can see through me
in situations where I'm not out. Sometimes I get very self conscious about
the way I present myself. Here are a few items we threw around the dining
room table;
* Not all gay men dress the part of the urban clone. I feel comfortable
wearing this type of drag and it compliments my appearance. I've dressed
this way well before it became fashionable for gay city men and it nev-
er caused a problem in the past. I've noticed that we tend to wear our
clothes well; much better than our heterosexual brethren. The jeans, T
shirts, hair; both facial and on our heads, looks better. I suppose that
this is an attention getter. Ya just don't see that many straight men
exhibiting nice buns or baskets of death in jeans. As much as they brag
about their machoness; they're uncomfortable with it. A straight friend
of mine once confided in me, "I wish that you guys wouldn't flaunt what
you've got". When I asked him what bothered him he answered, "It just
makes me feel uncomfortable; like I don't measure up as a man" He also
finds it hard to deal with masculine acting gay men and admits that it's
a threat to his own masculinity. He's also jealous that I'm much better
built than he is; and he's younger. Ok! our mode of dress can be a sub-
tle tip off to them.
* Gay men I know tend to be very articulate in their speech habits. I don't
know why this is but most of the guys I've met come across sounding like
FM radio announcers; the non-effeminete ones at least. Is it because we
weigh each word more carefully before speaking; afraid that we'll blow
our cover? I notice it most when I'm in front of a group at the office,
giving a business presentation. A lot of the straight men slur their words
and in general come across as beer swilling rednecks. I get up there and
feel self conscious because I'm aware that my speaking voice is much more
precice. I get asked where I learned to talk like that; it attracts att-
ention. We also tend to be more soft spoken than our counterparts. More
than a few people I've come out to told me my voice was a dead giveaway.
* Office and leisure time conversation can also point out who's gay and
who isn't. Ok! Some of you may love sports and can chat about baseball
scores with the best of em, but I can't and most people I know can't either.
I never developed an interest in watching a bunch of grown men chase each
other around a playing field to get a ball or to whizz a piece of hard
rubber across the ice into the opponent's net. I enjoy both ice and roll-
er skating, biking, swimming and tennis. I also admire the style and grace
of skaters, skiiers and gymnasts in the olympic games; that I'll watch on
the tube. This isn't good enough. I'm continually asked if I caught the
football, baseball, basketball and hockey games on the tube by co-workers
and am treated with aloofness when I admit to not being interested in
sports. I told a concerned co-worker that I just think that these sports
are a waste of time and I've got better things to do. His response was
that I had to be either a Commie or queer. Ever notice that? If you're
not into comoetitive sports, there must be something wrong with you!
* Body language is another area where a lot of us differ. A lot of it is
subconscious and I'm becomming more aware of the way I stand or gesture.
Thank goodness that crossing the legs at the knees carries less stigma
than it used to. If I'm standing talking to someone, I tend to place my
hands on my hips which a lot of straight men don't. A lot of us hold
our cigarettes slightly different than straights. I was in a straight
singles bar and observed the way the men held their ciggies. They suck
on the filter as if they were ciphoning a gas tank through a hose. They
also crush out the butts with about 1200 foot pounds of force. A lot of
the more macho straights I've watched seem to shadow box or dance around
when they talk. When they walk they strut; sort of bow legged, like they
just got off a horse. The gay men I've observed seem to move with more
grace. When they talk there's more animation in the eyes and face. It's
almost as if we're more comfortable with ourselves than they are; I may
be wrong.
* I'll now get on to cruising; straights do as much of it as we do. I just
recently became aware of this after watching people in the halls at work
and those on the street. I used to feel guilty about cruising until I
watched the Busweiser boys ogling the womenfolk. We can be singled out
in this area if we're not out. I was at lunch with a group of co-workers
and the men were cruising and commenting about the women. I was quiet,
which aroused suspicion. I wasn't aware of it but my eues were following a
particularly handsome man stuffed into a pair of tight faded jeans. One
man in our party asked me what I was looking at. I told him I wasn't
looking at anybody and he replied, "you most certainly were, you were
checking that guy's ass out. Hey we'de better watch out for Ray. I think
he's going queer on us, Har Har". If I'm in a closeted situation I now
SET CRUISE/INHIBIT in the company of the other men so as not to attract
attention. This is one way I can usually pick out gay men on the street
and at work; by watching who their eyes follow. Too bad; straight men
notice this also. A straight female friend told me she could pick out
gay men about 75% accuratly; it was all in the eyes, not just who got
cruised but the eyes themselves. She told me that she noticed a lot
of gay men have a softness to their eyes; a sort of veiled look which
she had a sensitivity too.
These are just a few areas that my friends and I talked about. In some
ways it's sort of scary that we're that easily picked out in the crowd
by straights. In other ways it's not so bad; it lets them know that we're
everywhere. Has anyone else done any thinking on this subject and have
you noticed other ways in which we present ourselves differently from
the general public?jdh@hou5g.UUCP (Julia Harper) (04/06/85)
() When you are involved with someone, or think about them as someone touchable, your "private space" requirements shrink. I think a lot of gays "give themselves away" by moving within what's normally thought of as private space too "freely", thereby attracting attention. I think all people who feel this way about each other do this, but it is more noticeable in gays, because it is less common. BUT, here is a more important reason people can "tell I'm gay.." The accusation of homosexuality is used as a weapon to try to force people to conform. Women who seem "too violent" or strong, and men who seem "too gentle" are often abused with this accusation. If you really *are* gay and someone says it to you, you wonder how they knew. I suspect they usually don't know. I have been called a dyke on a few ocassions by men who didn't like the way I was talking or reacting to them. Depending on what that word means to you, they were wrong. If being a dyke means being loud and strident, well then I was what they said. I was involved with a man when the last two incidents happened, which made it really easy for me to simply say "Yes, I am a dyke. So?" There was no way they could scare me with that accusation, I knew. (This luxury is not as affordable for those who really are involved with someone of the same sex, unless they are out.) Interestingly, I've noticed on and off the net that people like to try to use "feminist" or "knee-jerk feminist" or "screaming feminist" in exactly the same types of situations as when people have called me a dyke. Some feminists are afraid to be called feminists, or define themselves that way, because of the connotation of abnormality -- of being dykish (a Man-Hater) if you're a woman, or if you're a man, of being queer or into bondage. The label "queer" or "dyke" or ..whatever.. refers to a lot of things that have nothing to do with sexuality. One time, I was waiting to be picked up by someone at a bus stop and these two young men (boys?) drove past a couple of times, making comments. I told them off. Then they told me I must be a lesbian. After a moment of shock (I felt like looking at myself in the mirror to see what about me made them say that!) I told them *they* must be gay. Otherwise why would they be riding in that car together, besides I saw the way they looked at each other. And I'd seen the one's arm on the back of the other's seat--or was it his back... Well, *they* were shocked. They left and didn't come back. I was very proud of this brilliant tactical maneuver. Anyway, the point is, they DIDN'T know I was gay. And accusing them of this dreadful thing, homosexuality, scared them. So I really think most people are more concerned about it as a way not to be. They aren't really observant enough to tell who is and who isn't. A lot more people get accused of being a homosexual than just gays. (Just an accusation, though, not an aknowledgement of it being a real way of life.) Anyway, it's easier to hide being gay than hide being a woman. Think how it must feel to get those kinds of remarks when you walk down the street just because you're a woman. You're damned if you do try to hide being a woman (you ugly dyke) and damned if you don't (hey sexy bitch, wanna fuck?). -- Julia Harper [ihnp4,ariel]!hou5g!jdh