levasseur@morgan.DEC (Edge of the Razor) (04/30/85)
I've been having quite a few conversations with gay men and women lately
about how alcohol effects their relationships. The two longest relationships
I was involved in were both with serious alcoholics. I never saw what was
going on while involved but have a much clearer picture of how drinking ruin-
ed two otherwise good relations. I have a tendency toward drinking excess-
ively which I'm working on. Whenever I got drunk, I became quiet and didn't
want any trouble. Both of these lovers became schizoid while drinking and
got both verbally and physicly violent. This usually happened randomly and
at times was embarassing to me in social situations. I took my first lover
to a Christmas party at a good friends. He seemed ok and was socializing
with some of the other guests as I chatted with the host. All of a sudden
I could hear screaming and abusive language coming from the other half as
he got into a heated arguement with another guest. When I tried getting him
to cool down, he took a swing at me. When he was sober he was an angel, but
let him get a few pops in him and he was like a time bomb. When he got drunk
was also the times when he would cheat on me. After a year of hearing, "gee
honey, I'm sorry", was when I bailed out; nothing was going to change. He
told me he was going to attend AA meetings but this never happened.
The second relationship was even worse. When I first met Danny, he was
all that I was looking for; seemingly intelligent, attractive and in most
ways compatable. Once I moved in with him I noticed that any liquor in the
house mysteriously evaporated when I was gone. I would come home to find him
drunk and it would end up in all night shouting matches. He would usually
leave and head for the bars, coming back a day or two later apologizing.
He also claimed to not remember our fights and would black out quite often.
This caused problems since I never knew if he was blacked out or not. When
he drank, no-one would ever suspect he was drunk unless he flew off the han-
dle. That one ended after 20 months.
Friends and aquaintances tell me similar stories; most claiming that the
relationshiop went well until alcohol came into the picture. They also said
that the only time there were fights was when one or both were drinking. A
few gay women have told me some real horror stories about alcohol related
incidents where weapons came in and the police had to be called.
One common thing about the men I've talked to was that either one or both
did not communicate their conflicts but blew up when the booze lowered their
inhibitions. I always tried to talk things out with my ex's when we were both
sober. Neither one of them felt like talking and claimed nothing was wrong
until they got a load on and then would proceed to dump their entire emot-
ional slush fund on me; including problems at work and with their families.
I would end up taking the brunt for all of their problems. I would rather
clear the air when sober and be able to have a couple of drinks together
and just relax. It seemed that these guys couldn't do that.
I had a conversation with a friend over concerns on his part that the only
gay outlets seem to revolve around booze. To some extent I agree with him.
There are the obvious bars where people drink to get up the courage to talk
to someone, brunch with its bloody Mary's and Mamosas, dinner parties with
the obligatory cocktail table, resorts like P'Town where drinking seems to
follow most activities, etc. I realize that you "don't have to accept" the
offered cocktail but it is very visable in most gay social activities. Don't
get me wrong, I enjoy having a couple of drinks in pleasant relaxed company,
but there an awful lot of people who cannot. I sometimes womder if our comm-
unity's problems with alcohol (much higher than our straight brethren) stems
from the availability of alcohol or is it due to the higher emotional burdens
that gay men and women face from society; a way to kill the subconscious pain
of existing in a hostile environment.
I don't know if this topic has come up on the net. I haven't seen it since
becomming active. What do you folks think? What experiances do you have to
share?
Drink Sanely,
Rayrob@ptsfa.UUCP (Rob Bernardo) (05/01/85)
In article <1923@decwrl.UUCP> levasseur@morgan.DEC (Edge of the Razor) writes: > > I've been having quite a few conversations with gay men and women lately >about how alcohol effects their relationships. ... > ... most claiming that the >relationshiop went well until alcohol came into the picture. ... > I had a conversation with a friend over concerns on his part that the only >gay outlets seem to revolve around booze. ... >There are the obvious bars where people drink to get up the courage to talk >to someone, brunch with its bloody Mary's and Mamosas, dinner parties with >the obligatory cocktail table, resorts like P'Town where drinking seems to >follow most activities, etc. I realize that you "don't have to accept" the >offered cocktail but it is very visable in most gay social activities. Don't >get me wrong, I enjoy having a couple of drinks in pleasant relaxed company, >but there an awful lot of people who cannot. I sometimes womder if our comm- >unity's problems with alcohol (much higher than our straight brethren) stems >from the availability of alcohol or is it due to the higher emotional burdens >that gay men and women face from society; a way to kill the subconscious pain >of existing in a hostile environment. One major factor is the gay ghetto. In most places in this country due to homophobia at large there is virtually no integration of gay sociability in the mainstream. Gay men are "forced" to socialize in particular limited settings (especially gay bars) in order to socialize with each other. However, in places like San Francisco, where gay sociability is probably more integrated into the mainstream than anywhere else in the country, gay ghetto behavior still persists, which is a shame because I think the ghetto (in either case) has some real bad effects. Basically the members of the ghetto often become too in-bred and a lot of people get sucked up into certain behaviors to fit in. Go down to Castro Street on a beautiful Saturday and look at the hordes of gay men nevertheless crowded into a dark, smokey bar. Go into even one of the nicer gay restaurants for dinner, and listen to LOUD disco/rock/etc. music while you eat. I think that in coming out and coming to San Francisco and trying to get one's freedom, a lot of gay men lose sense of their own individuality, THEIR OWN IDENTITY, which is incredibly ironic. The larger cities do offer gay men alternatives to the bars, e.g. square dance groups, sporting activities, but unfortunately a lot of the ghetto mentality is often brought into these socializing spots as well. In recent years I have begun to leave behind some of my ghetto identity and develop my own, after being out for 14 years, and living in the SF area for 11. I remember this one moment when I had the realization "I am becoming Rob!" In certain ways it has been frustrating for me. A lot of the ways I like to spend my free time are not popular with very many gay men I meet here in the city and a lot of the more common ways that gay men here socialize don't interest me. There is one bar here that a lot of my friends and I go to. None of us (nor quite a number of the other patrons I've spoken to in this bar) go to any other bars at all -- no interest in that. This bar is a gay country/western dance bar and a lot of the guys who go there really like (partner) dancing with each other. There is much less drinking than in other bars to the point that it is a rare occasion to see someone there obviously drunk. Other than that bar and the predominantly gay gym I go to (how's that for an urban gay stereotype - sort of like the pot calling the kettle black!), I don't regularly patronize any gay (i.e. segregatedly gay) institutions. -- Rob Bernardo, San Francisco, California {nsc,ucbvax,decwrl,amd,fortune,zehntel}!dual!ptsfa!rob _^__ ~/ \_.\ _ ~/ \_\ ~/ \_________~/ ~/ /\ /\ _/ \ / \ _/ \ _/ \ \ /