levasseur@morgan.DEC (While Nero Fiddled....Chelsea Burned) (05/06/85)
I just went through an ordeal wit a man that I'm seeing. I'de like to
get feedback from gay readers; either on the net or to my personal mail
account if you or people you know have been through similar ordeals. I've
been seeing the guy for a couple of months. He's very afraid that he's
falling in love with me and doesn't know if he can handle it. We were
supposed to have a nice quiet weekend together and were both looking
forward to it. He had never stood me up and was always on time. Well,
Friday; no Dan....Saturday; no Dan....I was furious. I talked to his
roomate on Sunday and he was worried since he thought Dan was with me.
I ran into Dan and a good friend of his. I just looked at him and
said "I wanna talk to you fella!" He agreed and I met him at his place.
He looked truly terrible and was on the verge of tears as he told his
story to his roomates and I. He told me that he wanted to sabotage his
feelings for me by standing me up and going to the baths. He met this
guy who asked hm to go back to his place in Worcester (55 miles West of
Boston). Dan didn't know that there would be another party waiting. The
three of them went to a gay bar out there and Dan was having fun until
he realized he had been slipped LSD in his drink. The only thing he
remembered was being gagged and tied up. I won't go into details about
what happened; all I'll say is that the jerks he got messed up with were
into a heavy pain and torture scene. He woke up on a park bench in Wor-
cester and had been robbed. He kept telling me "but the guy seemed so
nice at the baths". He was afraid to fall asleep. I wanted to slap the
fool but felt sort of bad for him.
I met friends at a neighborhood bar and one friend told me that a
good friend of his had been through a similar ordeal. He had a nervous
breakdown because of what he went through.
I know that Dan made his bed and slept in it so to speak. As he told
me "I got my just deserts". If any of you have been through or know some-
one who has; how did you deal with it? Did you need counseling. Since
Dan seemed to repress his ordeal, I'm afraid that it's going to mess him
up emotionally; maybe not. Dan wants to take action against these people
but doesn't remember where he was taken. Can he warn the bar or bath
managment about certain individuals? Will they really give a damn? It
seems that gay establishments of this sort don't want any trouble. I
told Dan they probably won't want to get involved.....ya pays ya cover,
ya takes ya chances. Me!! right now I'm pissed.....confused....I want
to hug Dan as well as slug him. I'de love to see the turkeys that pulled
their cute little stunt get theirs. These people are among the lowest
of lowlife if you ask me and are an embarassment to our community. To
drug someone without their knowing and then to do the things that these
guys did is unforgivable. I can now better understand what a woman goes
through after being raped.
Thanks, Rayrrizzo@bbncca.ARPA (Ron Rizzo) (05/07/85)
Actually, the two are criminals: rapists. If Dan can identify them he should try to get them prosecuted; though facing the cops and courts can be pretty traumatic, and he might get nowhere. A recent issue of BOSTON magazine had an article on male rape, which is on the rise. Male rape, like rape in general, has little to do with (even S&M) sex, but it's a matter of power: humiliation and degradation of the victim. Chances are these two have committed other rapes & should be caught. Dan should probably seek some sort of therapy. The trauma from such an experience lingers a long time and can have quite a few ramifica- tions. The medical profession is finally beginning to recognize the existence and extent of male rape and that it's as vicious a crime as female rape. Dan should contact gay counselling services for a referral and maybe ask a sympathetic lawyer how to go about trying to get the police to investigate. Regards, Ron Rizzo
lmf@drutx.UUCP (FullerL) (05/08/85)
This sounds like a complicated situation so I'm going to try to keep that in mind and realize that I don't have all the info. First, I think its very important that your friend seek some type of rape crisis counseling. He was violated, raped and abused. It is important that he work through it as soon as he can so he doesn't have to do it later. No matter what he did or where he went he didn't deserve what happened to him. No one deserves that kind of treatment. This is the kind of situation where it's easy to blame yourself (blame the victim) and most people need help to not do that. It is also important to let him make decisions for himself about how to deal with some kind of reporting. This is so he can regain some sense of control over his life and his body. Sometimes reporting won't do anything except make him feel better which is a good enough reason. Also the next time it happens and if another victim reports there is more evidence and they are more likely to be believed. About your feelings. You certainly have some reasons to be angry and I would recommend that you discuss them with someone other than your friend. Often the family and friends and lovers of rape victims feel the need for some kind of counseling to deal with their feelings of anger and fear. Probably the best thing you can do for him is listen to him and let him talk about what happened and his feelings about what happened (if you can do it in a nonjudgemental way, if not let him get those needs met elsewhere). Also you may be able to help him explore options about reporting and support him in his decisions. I work on a rape crisis team and these are the suggestions we would give for a woman who has been raped. I feel quite sure that they would be applicable for a gay male rape victim as well. If either of you do decide to get counseling, please be careful who you go to. It needs to be someone with a good understanding of the after effects and dynamics of rape and someone nonhomophobic. My choice as a lesbian woman would be a lesbian feminist therapist which might also be a reasonable solution for you. I've never looked for a gay male feminist therapist but I bet they exist. The reason I would insist on a feminist is that I think that the therapists view of what rape is is an important factor. Hope this gives you some ideas, Lori Fuller ihnp4!drutx!lmf