levasseur@morgan.DEC (Ray EMD & S Admin 223-5027) (05/15/85)
Since the ordeal with Dan I've been giving a lot of thought to the men
that I've been with for any considerable length of time. Out of the 5 or 6
that I have seriously dated or settled with, only one was a completely hon-
est person with no pretense whatsoever. Hmmmm! m'thinks that there has been
a definite trend forming in my gay lovelife which has left me open to these
turkeys and vampires. One thing that I've noticed is that I meet these peop-
le when I have felt particularly depressed and lonely. Even though I acted
bubbly on the surface there was a transmitter in my subconscious which was
sending out an "I'm desperate and will settle for anyone" beacon. These guys
seem to have a homing beacon which pick up on my bad vibes. They always tend-
ed to move in fast and sweep me off my feet, tell me all sorts of sweet noth-
ings that I desperatly needed to hear, get me hooked and pull the rug out from
under me. Most of what they said was never meant but I took it at face value
"I want you", "I love you", "You're the most wonderful thing that's come into
my life", etc. Of course these lines are fed to the next unsuspecting soul,
unless his guard is up. Through conversations with others and from my own
personal soul searching I've come up with a few pointers on how to pick these
guys out. I'll share them in hopes that it might help others from falling into
the gay dating traps that I have in the past. These are in no given order of
importance.
* They seem to have a lot of bar aquaintances but no real friends, tend to
spend a lot of time in the bars, baths and bushes.
* The ones I've met have tended to be quite attractive (not necessarilly a
criteria for a user/liar). Sex with them was cosmic from day one instead
of developing slowly into something fulfilling. This seems to come from
all the practice that they've had. They're compatible with anyone in bed
since they've done it all with so many others; almost practiced in style.
This is bad if someone is feeling particularly vulnerable since he may
substitute the sex for intimacy; and remember, they'll tell you anything
you want to hear.
* The ones I've met have been charming; too much so. Most of my friends were
wowed by these jokers until they very quickly saw through them. Since the
friends were not emotionally involved, they could be impartial observers
and see these vultures for what they were. They were all fast talkers on
their feet; could charm the skin offa a snake.
* Closely akin to being charming and telling me all the sweet nothings that
I craved they almost seemed too sincere when I first met them, would claim
to be monogamous, etc.
* They tended to do drugs and/or drink more heavily than most normal men I
met.
* They would pressure me in subtle ways to move in together in a very short
time "If you really love me, we should live together" They also tended to
make promises; some were long range right from the start.
* A funny thing that I noticed was that most of them never really looked me
in the eye when they talked to me. This can be a sign that something is being
kept from me. It can also be a sign that a person is bashful but in my case
it was a way of not being honest
* A lot of the stories they tell seem to change in subtle ways over time. By
the time you start noticing that 2 + 2 are not equaling 4 they may have al-
ready dumped you in search of fresh prey. A liar or user will slip up over
time unless they're real experts. Even when caught in a lie they'll try
convincing you that they're telling the truth and may succeed. A lot of
their stories are pretty fantastic.
* In a lot of cases these were men that I became obsessed with; thoroughly
mesmerized by and infatuated with. I just hadta see them. In the case of
honest, down to earth men, this was not the case.
* They didn't seem to have many, if any hobbies or interests outside of the
bar scene.
* In the beginning they would seem to be Mr. Wonderful since they instinct-
ively knew my needs; could stay away from the bars, be affectionate, etc
until they got bored. It never took more than a month or two for their
true natures to come out; of course by that time I was getting hooked, like
on a drug.
* I never really felt comfortable when with them, even though I wanted to be
around them all the time. There was always an element of subliminal ten-
sion inside me. My subconscious knew that they couldn't be trusted but I
wouldn't listen to it. As a friend once said, and this is important, "trust
your heart/sixth sense. It very rarely is wrong" This can be hard to do
when your emotions are all wound up.
So what am I learning? For one thing, open my eyes and ears, listen to
my heart. It's not an easy exercise after functioning the way I have most
of my life. When the heart is lonely I tend to miss a lot of subtle signals
that others give off. When I'm feeling really good about myself I can see
through them from the time they first approach me.
I'm also learning that I'm not fully over the lover I broke up with last
year; trying to fill a void but not admitting it. When desperate, most men
who really like themselves and are honest will avoid you unless they're into
sympathy fucks!
Dan? He's already moved on to the next sucker. A lot of the stories were
to put me off since he had met another. Me? I'm brushing the dirt off myself
and starting over again. "Maybe this time I'll win", as the song says.
Jesus was right!
"There will be those who come to you dressed as sheep but are really ravaging
wolves"
Everything isn't always what it seems on the surface
Ray