levasseur@morgan.DEC (Ray EMD & S Admin 223-5027) (05/29/85)
The Personals ============= I've met a lot of guys who complain that the only way to meet other gay men is at the bars. I happen to live very close to Boston, which has a wide variety of other alternatives; social, church, outdoor and other ways to meet. There is one way of meeting which many men don't consider; the personal ads in gay newspapers. Boston has GCN, Bay Windows and The Mirror which all contain classified ad sections. The personals have always fascinated me since there is an air of mystery behind the people posting the ads. I've met two of my best friends through the ads; they can work. I've talked to a lot of men who toyed with the idea of posting or answering ads but figured that none of the ads were real. I placed my first ad five years ago and got 47 responses; this wa in Jan- uary. As an experiment I placed the same ad in June, using another box number and got just 7 responses. One of the friends I met through my first ad had been cruising the classifieds for years. He was a professional person who didn't have the time or patience to hang out in bars. There are certain rules and etiquette to the ads which I'll share from my own experience and that of friends who have used the medium. If you plan to place an ad, consider your audience. It will be read by everyone from Doctors to street hustlers. If you're answering an ad: * Read the person's ad carefully. What is he asking for? If he's only looking for 23 year old blond surfers and your 50, pot bellied and bald, don't waste your time and his by responding. Some ads are very specific in what the per- son is looking for, some are not. If a guy says "GWM seeks same for fun and friendship" then I would assume that he's open to anyone answering. There are a lot of guys who start answering the minute they see "GWM"; they'll write letters to 30 or 40 people. * Some people are turned off by typed responses and will not answer your letter. If you have to type it, add some sort of personal touch like writing your greeting and sign off longhand. * Be honest in your response. If you do get to meet the guy and you've told him that you're 35, slim and bearded, then you had better be. People tend to lie at the bars about what they do for a living, their achievments, etc. They can't lie about what they look like since you're looking them in the eye. The ads on the other hand allow guys to grossly misrepresent themselves physicly. They hope that the person who's ad they've answered will settle for what shows up; some will, a lot won't. * Keep your initial introduction letter fairly casual. It turns a lot of people off when you tell them how lonely you are after the death of your ex-lover, etc. Also try not to brag about how wonderful you are before you meet the guy. He may get the impression that you're bullshitting him. I've gotten responses that had me in a long term committed relationship with the respondent before I could write or call back. These letters usually found their way into my wastebasket. * Try not to respond with a Xeroxed form letter. I got a couple of these and didn't bother answering. I've gotten more than my share of form letter rej- ections from possible employers and don't need it in my personal life. * If the author of the ad asks for a picture, use your own judgement on what to send. If he asks for a revealing photo, then you know what kind to send. If the ad just says "Photo a must" send a tasteful picture that you look good in; preferably fully clothed. Remember, you don't know where your picture will end up. I got some truly X rated Polaroids in responses to my ad and I didn't even request pictures. These got returned to the sender with a polite letter that basicly said "thanks, but no thanks!" * Some guys will ask for a phone number; again use your better judgement. I gave out my phone number to a guy who requested numbers and my phone rang at all hours of the day and night. I never met the guy but he had fun harassing me for a few weeks. There are a lot of weirdos out there but most who ask for a phone are sincere and will usually introduce themselves. * Try not to go into the gory details of how good you are in bed with graphic details from foreplay to orgasm unless that's what the person placing the ad wants to see. * A lot of guys who place ads are quite closeted; some are married, live with their folks or are in a sensitive position careerwise. They can't afford to be seen in a public gay situation. A lot will place an ad and get cold feet after the responses start rolling in. * Don't be too disappointed if your wonderful response doesn't reap an offer of marriage. The person may be closeted, he may have gotten a bad impression of you from your letter, may have a lover or have met someone else in the interim. If you plan to place an ad: * Think out the content carefully. What are you looking for; friendship, sex, someone to work on cars with, etc? Remember! you're in control when you place the ad. In a way this is better than answering ads since you can pick and choose who you wish to meet. No matter how specific your ad is, you'll probably get your share of weirdos and people who misrepresent themselves. * A lot of ads claim "Good looking" or "attractive" You can say this if you feel that you're a looker, but remember "Beauty is different to different people" Your friends may think that you're hot but everyone has different tastes. * One keyword to avoid in your ad or response is "Lonely" This one little word will scare a lot of people away. This will also attract a lot of losers who will get the impression that you're vulnerable or will settle for anything. Try to keep your ad positive since negativity will attract negative responses, or none at all. * If you're well built you can say this in the ad but it may scare a lot of people away just as it will in the bars. I see a lot of very handsome, muscular men avoided because they intimidate other bar patrons "Egad! I don't stand a chance" I fit this to some extent; I work out and have the typical clone physique. I placed an ad that gave the description "6', 165 lbs, lean muscular body, 28" waist, 42" chest". I attracted more losers and trolls then I could handle. The nice guys stayed away. It might be better to not play up the physical attributes and let the respondents get a pleasent surprise if you meet. * Think of the responses as resumes from prospective employees. If an answer sounds too good to be true, it usually is. I got one response from a guy that was 27 pages long. This guy told me his entire life story, complete with descriptions of his 5 homes, private jet, stable full of expensive cars, etc. I usually read over the responses a few times before considering if I'll answer. This gives me a chance to read between the lines and exam- ine what's being said. I also analyze the handwriting and grammar. If a guy claims to be an "Injuneer" I either think that he's being funny or has the IQ of a Summer squash. * You can either use a box supplied by the paper or one of your own. I have my own post office box which allows me to get the responses much quicker. I also ask for a phone number since it's the easiest and fastest way to make contact. Hearing the person's voice gives me a chance to tell if he's outgoing, closeted, etc before I decide if a meeting would be good. * I did a little experiment; placed two ads at the same time, one using my own po box and the other using a box supplied by the paper. One ad was very specific and the other was general. I did this to see how many guys answered every ad they saw. The week I placed my ad, a friend placed one also. We compared notes on responses and there were a few who answered both of my ads and my friend's also. His ad in no way resembled mine and we helped each other weed out responses. * Once I decide which response I'll answer, I usually call the person. In My ads I usually outline my hobbies. If the person claims to have the same interests I'll steer the conversation to hobbies and covertly quiz them on what they know. One respondent claimed to be very much into electronics as I am. After talking for a while I realized that the only exposure to elec- tronics he had was building a crystal set in Boy Scouts. Some guys will claim to have compatable interests just for the sake of meeting someone else. I don't usually pursue these very far since it makes me wonder how many other things the person is lieing about. You've decided to get together: * I usually chat with the person on the phone a few times before meeting unless they seem to be interesting from the beginning. One of my friends who I met through the ads kept me in stitches on the phone for two hours. I decided to meet him that same night and he was funnier in person. There were also those who couldn't keep a conversation going longer than the "Hello, I'm Ray...you answered my ad" * If you don't have a picture of the person then you'll have to take what they say about their appearance at face value. Ask what they'll be wearing and tell them what you'll have on. * It's wise to meet in a public place for the first time. If they try getting you to meet them in a place that's strange to you, negotiate for a place that you both know about. I usually set up the first meeting at a well known coffee shop or restaurant that's easy for both of us to get to. I *don't* go to their place to meet. If things work out well, then I may go to their place or make another date. I also don't usually make the first date in a gay bar; if I do, it's usually in a quiet non-cruise bar where we can talk. * I usually get to the meeting place a little early so that I can pick out a seat with a clear view of the door. This doesn't usually happen but if I see the guy come in with a gang carrying baseball bats, I can make a beeline for the door; again I like to be in control until I feel comfortable. * Be prepared for a lot of no shows! Most will meet at the appointed time and place but there are those who will get cold feet and stand you up. I'll us- ually stay until an hour or so after the agreed time, then leave. I may call the person back to re-schedule if I feel that he honestly couldn't show up for a good reason. My policy is "Giv'em one chance" * Ok! so Mister Wonderful walks in. You'll be able to tell pretty fast if you and he will hit it off. Did he claim to be a hot dark haired urban clone and wind up to be a beer bellied trucker? Don't be rude if you're disappointed in what shows up. You can have a polite conversation and excuse yourself. He's probably used to much worse happening. I will usually hint to the fact that he kinda lied about himself. The meeting usually either ends up being an all night gabfest or a tension filled half hour of long silent periods. * I talked to a guy who met a man in a parking lot in the evening. The guy asked for a description of my friend's car. It ended up being a setup by fag bash- ers. His car got trashed and he was badly beaten. Yes! there are fag bashers who cruise the ads but this doesn't happen very often The ads can be a lot of fun. One guy I knew placed a personal ad and ended up starting a gay social group in a small town with the guys who answered. It's hard to pick out the guys in a bar who are into the same things that I am. I once thought of having a tea shirt made that read "Into Audio, Video, Writing, Cycling, Hiking, Reading. I'm Grk/Fr Act/Pass and like to cuddle". Liars and everything else aside, the ads are a great forum to meet others who share sim- ilar interests. Happy hunting! Ray