levasseur@morgan.DEC (Ray EMD & S Admin 223-5027) (08/05/85)
Coming Out
A Lifelong Process
Jason
This always seems to be a popular subject at gay support and social
groups that I've belonged to. For me, the realization hit while studying
in the library on campus. All at once I became aware of what I really
was and broke down crying. I had fought this nameless ghost since I was
a boy and the revelation left me shaking. I won't go into the long sor-
did details of my coming out, save to say that the first few years were
hard. I had to deprogram my lifelong rigid Catholic upbringing. A nerv-
ous breakdown, many years ago showed me that I didn't like being gay. I
was married at the time and hid behind my marriage license. Funny thing
was my wife and I hung out mostly with gay men and women; she knew I was
gay and accepted it much more than I did myself. After the breakdown of
both my marriage and psyche, two very compassionate men; a preist and
therapist helped rid me of my guilt and self hatred. It was now "ok" to
be gay and I less afraid to admit who I was.
Coming out varies from person to person; no two stories are exactly
alike. In some ways I envy the people who always knew what they were from
an early age and acted accordingly. I lived a lie until my early twenties
and it took it's toll. There are probably readers of this newsgroup who
are wrestling with coming out right now. Yes! It can be a very painful
process if you let it. The first thing you have to get over is your own
homophobia. You can sleep with members of the same sex, go to bars, and
march in pride parades but still carry the anti gay values of society
around between your ears. I believe that a lot of cattiness and dishing
(not the playful kind) are projections onto others of one's own self hat-
red. They're barely aware of the reasons that they dump this immense
slush fund of rage on others. In some ways, it keeps them sane. What they
really have to do is come to terms with this anger and let go of it. A
bartender once told me that bitchy queens are still fighting with the
kids who beat them up, their parents, siblings and all the others who
put them down for being different.
In other articles I've mentioned attitude and associated bar behavior.
In Lennie Gettick's book "Cruise to Win" he repeatedly explains that a
lot of this is born out of fear of rejection; not just the possible rej-
ection of the moment, but a lifelong history of being left out by other
males. By the way, this is a wonderfull little book. I have used the
tactics in everyday dealings with people. It's not just a book about how
to cruise, but how to win in any interpersonal meeting.
As the title says, "Coming out is a lifelong process" When you stop
growing, you stagnate, spin your gears, can even die inside. Coming out
is much more than admitting to friends that you're gay or going to the
same bar for 15 years; it's becomming more aware of who you are and lik-
ing what you find. I know that personally I would never want to be the
same person I was 7-10-15 years ago. I have gotten much more in touch
with myself; hopes, fears, talents. I can remember 10 years ago I had
a fear of the dark. To be alone in the dark was terrifying; I had to
have a light on when I fell asleep. I can look back now and know that
the darkness was symbolic to my insecurity; I didn't know who I was and
felt whatever it was had to be bad. My subconscious mind projected my
fear of "Me" onto something it could deal with, "Darkness". Some men
have told me that my articles have hit home in a lot of places. Once
you get in touch with yourself as a gay person, you begin to see a lot
of things that most people miss or would not rather face. As Jesus of
Nazareth said, "Men love darkness", "You shall know the truth and the
truth shall set you free". When you really know yourself, you can stop
acting in a neurotic way, stop playing games and go on with important
activities.
I used to keep a journal after my breakdown. As months and years
passed I noticed changes taking place; my writing style, outlook on
life became much less apologetic, more positive. The places I chose
to associate with other gay men also started changing; I frequented the
bars much less, started attending social groups, included more hetero-
sexual people in my life. I didn't need a ghetto to live in. Another
great book is "Which Way Out of the Men's Room". I think that the
author is Martin Johnson. This book helped me get in touch with a lot
of the reasons we flagelate ourselves and others as gay people. I
chose my friends more carefully now. The old crowd were a miserable
bunch of self hating men. We subliminally dragged each other down in
the mud. I still like these guys but don't see them much anymore.
They're still making life miserable for one another. The bottom line
to this section is, you can't grow until you identify the old tapes
that program you and shut them off.
Sometimes I think that "Coming Out" isn't quite the right label
to use. Maybe "Coming to terms", "Gay Self Acceptance", "knowing who
you are" are more appropriate. One friend was instrumental in help-
ing me like myself as a gay man. Peter is a man I'll always love very
much for his help and compassion. He was a major force in getting the
"Advocate Experience" started in Boston. The people I met at Advocate
Guest seminars were self accepting, loving men and women. I had only
hung around with the more negative stereotypes and believed that's all
there was. I was quite disappointed when the Advocate Weekend was no
longer offered in Boston due to lack of interest.
Let me leave the life process for a while and talk about the init-
ial "Coming Out"; acting on these buried feelings and sharing of this
new self knowledge. Your gayness is not just some choice like what
restaurant you'll eat at. So many straight people think that this was
a choice; like all of a sudden you decided it might be fun to be gay
for a while. This couldn't be further from the truth as far as I'm
concerned. It goes much deeper, right to the very core of my being.
It's not something I can easily brush aside; therefore I must learn
to live in peace with that part of me. Part of this is sharing some
of the most intimate hidden parts of my makeup with others, "Coming
out". For years it hurt deeply to keep myself shrouded in mystery and
live a lie. My life was semi-schizoid as I lived two separate lives;
one for my straight peers, the other with gay friends. I find it hard
to lie; I'm just not good at it. Some of you may want to come out to
friends and family but are terrified of the possible outcomes. Six or
seven men have sent me mail asking for advice about coming out to fam-
ily and friends. All were fearful of rejection. To be rejected by one's
mother and father is the ultimate put down and I can understand why a
lot of gays choose to keep silent. I took the risk and it paid off. I
can speak fairly freely about my life with my family and straight chums.
The outcomes to coming out to those close to you are as varied as
the funny coming out stories I've heard over the years. They can run
the gamut from a guy's father trying to kill his gay son or daughter
to total unquestioning aceptance. Most of us fall into the gray area
in between these two extremes. I'll break the final part of this art-
icle into a few separate parts; family, friends, the workplace and
church.
Family
------
Probably the most fearfull to a lot of people. There's a lot at
stake unless you absolutely know how your folks will react. I didn't
have the slightest idea of how my mom and dad would take the revelation
since both were extremely conservative and religeous. I was quite
surprised when my mom had an idea I was gay since I was a kid. Dad was
even more accepting than mom but was concerned that life would be more
difficult for me in a hostile society. He didn't want to see me get
hurt. My sister just laughed and said she always kinda knew.
If you choose to come out and the reaction is one of hostility, the
problem is not your's, it's theirs. You'll probably load the guilt on
yourself but try your best not to. A lot of parents want their children
to be miniatures of themselves and cannot tolerate diversity. They will
try their best to change the unchangable; to maintain the status quo.
A letter or phone call aren't the best means of coming out to the
folks; It helps to be face to face. Try not to pick a time when there
might be a lot of problems going on at home; it could turn into a shout-
ing match and nothing will get accomplished. The appraoch that I used
was to assure them that I was still their son, loved them and that I
wanted to share a very important part of me with them. I asked that they
listen to all I had to say and not be judgemental. The initial reaction
was a quiet state of shock on both my parents parts; it was one thing to
suspect I was gay and another to have it confirmed. Not much was said
after that and Dad was the first to approach. He asked if I was sure;
that maybe this was just a period of confusion or a phase I was going
through. We sat up all night having a heart to heart. Mom became very
quiet. She blamed herself for my being gay. A lot of parents will think
that it was something they did. I assured them that they were not at
fault and even the experts don't have all the answers to sexual orient-
ation.
After the initial shock Mom started getting angry with me. She'd
call me "Queer", "Pervert", etc when I went out. One of her favorite
lines was, "If you didn't hang around with these pansies you wouldn't
be one". It took her almost a year to approach me in a positive way;
after dad died. One night I was watching tv and she asked if we could
talk. She had just watched a special on gays and the church called
"All God's Children" I was amazed that she thought the Fundamentalists
were a bunch of loonies and that Brian McNaught seemed like a very nice
young man. From there she asked to read some of the books she saw in my
bookcase. I gave her "Loving Someone Gay" and "My Son Eric" which she
enjoyed. I later had one of the social groups over for a pot luck dinner
on Mother's Day and a lot of the men brought her flowers. From then on
her views of gays have turned around 180 degrees. She still has problems
dealing with men as lovers but stands up for gays as a group.
Most gay men and women will fall into this gray area as I did. Be
prepared for a period where the folks may not want to discuss the sub-
ject at all; they will need time to think alone about what you've just
shared with them. The topic may never come up again but chances are that
they will want to know more about this part of you. Some will be lucky
and enjoy instant acceptance where the family takes friends and lovers
in as family. There will be those who are disinherited or given physical
and mental abuse; where any individual will fall I don't really know.
Each family has it's own unique set of dynamics.
Married Gays
------------
This tends to be even tougher than coming out to parents. You've
shared bed as well as board with your husband or wife and the betrayal
of sexual trust comes into play. I came out to my ex-wife while we were
dating and she accepted it. She said that my sensitivity was a big part
of her attraction to me and found it rare in straight men. She was a
very unique and understanding woman indeed to take a chance with me. We
parted as friends after the divorce. The major reason after 9 years to-
gether had very little to do with my gayness at all.
Most of the men who I've met report getting divorced shortly after
coming out to wives. I've met a couple of gay men who have stayed in
marriages after coming out. I've met their wives and all were very under-
standing, accepting women. I'll finish by saying it takes a special breed
of man or woman to handle the news that their spouse is gay.
Friends
-------
Most of us grew up with a straight circle of friends. What do you do
after coming out; avoid them, drop them in favor of your new gay comrades?
As I went out more and more, my straight friends started asking questions
about why they could no longer get in touch with me on weekends. This went
on for a couple of years until I couldn't stand lieing any more. My best
friend, who was also the best man at my wedding is one of the most conserv-
ative people I know; he also kept asking the most questions. His reaction
to my comming out was an affectionate punch on the shoulder, "Ya dumb Pal-
ooka, I knew that since we were 13"; he and his wife then gave me a big hug.
The response was similar with the other 3 straight friends I have. I probab-
ly wouldn't come out to someone I just have a few beers with at the local pub
but only good friends who I trust. One thing is certain; if you come out to
your straight friends, you'll soon discover how solid the friendships are.
I've used the same tactics with friends as family; letting them know that I
love them and that this is something I want to share. I'm still the Ray that
you've always known, now you know a little more about me.
The Workplace
-------------
Since this is where my bread gets buttered, I use more caution. I owe
my employer dedication from 8 to 5; after that I can lead a totally diff-
erent life. If you choose to keep the two worlds separated, you must be on
guard that nothing slips. Some people are very good at using Monday Morning
Pronouns but I had a few embarassing Freudian slips when in the closet. I
have been out basicly throughout my working career, with no major complicat-
ions. There have been co-workers who felt uncomfortable around me until they
realized that I was not much different than them and I wasn't going to jump
their bones if they bent over to pick something up.
It was usually my boss or a co-worker who would approach me first. A coup-
le of my managers have called me into the office to chat, based on some gos-
sip they've heard. They just wanted to know if I knew that there were rumors
going around about my lifestyle. When I confirmed that the rumors were indeed
fact, they all thanked me for my honesty and assured their continued support.
As I tell my bosses, "I'm here to do a job. I wanted to share this with you
so that you'de be spared any inaccurate rumors that might be flying around".
I usually wait until I've established a positive track record in a group
before I start thinking about coming out to the boss. Sometimes this can't
be done. In one case I just got a new manager and was informed that someone
called him to let him know he had a fag on his staff named Ray. I called a
meeting with him to apologize for the inconvenience of having someone anon-
ymously calling him. His response was, "You're not the problem, whoever's
calling is. If anyone gives you any grief about being gay, let me know and
they'll be dealt with".
Once I've come out there usually is less tension for me in the office;
I don't have to lie or hide. One boss always used to joke when vacation
time rolled around, "Oh Ray's going to Frisco again. Betty, type up a req
for his replacement, he'll probably stay this time". He then tell me to
have a good time. One co-worker a few years back asked if I'de take her to
a gay disco to go dancing. One of my bosses threw a Christmas party at his
house and told me to bring along my lover. I felt accepted in the group
and more willing to give my 125%.
It's unfortunate that there are companies and industries that are notor-
iously homophobic. I've heard horror stories about people being fired and
black listed on rumor alone. Unless you're sure of your standing in the
company, it might be wiser to remain silent. People sometimes ask why I'm
out at work. Once the cat's out of the bag and my lifestyle is discussed
in the open, it becomes something that can't covertly be used against me.
In one company I worked for there was a lot of pressure being put on me to
leave, even though my performance had been consistently high. I found out
that there was a homophobe driving the issue and met with him. Once every-
thing was in the open, he started treating me with a lot more respect. This
is not always the case but it worked for me.
Church
------
This is probably the least important place to be out in since we don't
spend considerable time here. I was attending a conservative Episcopal
church on a regular basis when my marriage broke up. I had become very
close to the pastor and he could see that something was bugging me. He
called me during Holy Week to chat in his office. I came out to him and
was amazed at his response, he gave me a big hug and said that God loved
me as much as anyone else in the congregation. Father Michael was probably
one of the most caring people I've ever met. He also helped in getting me
to accept myself as a gay person. He was not gay himself but felt that
there could be just as much love in a committed monogamous gay relationship
as in a heterosexual marriage. Most gay men and women I met in Dignity and
Integrity services reported being cast from the mainstream churches that
they grew up in when it was learned that they were gay. It's funny, I
thought that a congregation was for all God's children; not just the self
righteous.
All of the above comes from my own experiences and those of men and
women I've met over the years. Probably the boldest statement that a person
makes when they first come out is entering a gay bar for the first time to
test the water. Some will stop here and stagnate. I've met men who's only
concept of being gay is to go to the bars and socialize; sometimes go home
with someone. Outside of the bars their gay awareness ceases. There are
those others who take the time to look inside their own souls and become
more than that. As I've grown older I'm becomming more and more aware that
my gayness affects my sense of asthetics, the way I express myself, the way
I dress, appreciate music and all the other everyday things that most folks
take for granted. It's taken a long time to get here and I get very angry
when someone says, "oh! you're gay, you suck cock" There's much much more
to me as a gay male than that.
Ray (aka) Jason