pickens@sdcsla.UUCP (Karen Pickens) (08/27/85)
*****
(I wrote this article for the December 1984 issue of "Sappho Speaks;
The Lesbian and Gay Quarterly Journal at UCSD")
Bisexuality: Coming Out Twice
If you met me at work, chances are you would think I'm
straight. If you met me at a bar, you might think I'm a les-
bian. In both cases, you would be mistaken.
Yes, I am an often misunderstood person; I'm bisexual.
False assumptions by friends, co-workers and acquaintances
are just some of my problems. Another is that frequently I
am rejected by gays and straights alike. Also, there is the
problem of satisfying my needs while still being fair to
those close to me.
I have an open but serious relationship with a man. I
have a difficult time letting people know I am polygamous
and it is REALLY okay with my boyfriend. I find it next to
impossible to explain to people that my boyfriend and I both
sleep with other women.
People do understand my situation eventually, through
observation and stumbling conversations -- "Oh, yeah, Larry,
he's my um, boyfriend," said at a meeting of lesbians, or,
to one of our straight friends, "What did I do Saturday
night? Well, I went dancing. Where? At a lesbian bar. Yes,
Larry knows...he was there..."
Upon learning I am bisexual, some people assume I must
be promiscuous. I have heard bisexuals referred to as
``people who will sleep with anyone they meet''.
Being bisexual does not mean having sex with everyone,
just as being gay or lesbian does not mean sleeping with
everyone of the same sex, and being straight does not mean
sleeping with everyone of the opposite sex. I am choosey
about my lovers. I just have twice as many people to choose
among.
I realize gays have a similar problem convincing the
straight world they are not all promiscuous. I am disap-
pointed to find that some lesbians and gay men generalize
about bisexuals, even though they complain when straights
generalize about them.
Rejection is another problem faced by most lesbians,
gay men and bisexuals. There is almost no workplace, com-
munity or school that does not have some people who are
violently against homosexuality. Gays and lesbians can find
acceptance within their own community, however.
Bisexuals are not completely welcomed by either the
straight or gay communities. Straights see us as homosexu-
als; gays see us as indecisive, cowardly gays or straights
who are just experimenting. Some straights think, "Well, if
she can enjoy sex with men, why doesn't she take the easy
route and give up women?"
In ``Lesbian Nation'' Jill Johnston
states,``Bisexuality is not so much a cop-out as a fearful
compromise. Many women pride themselves on their bisexual-
ity, claiming they happily have it both ways. But one half
of those both ways is a continued service to the oppressor,
whose energies are thus reinforced to perpetuate the oppres-
sion of that part of the woman who would make it with
another woman.'' Later she goes on, ``Bisexuality is staying
safe by claiming allegiance to heterosexuality.''
Jill Johnston is an extreme example of a lesbian femin-
ist, and the above was written over a decade ago, in the
early 1970's. Most of my friends are not this extreme. But
I have gotten the feeling from some of them that they think
I am copping out by continuing to have relationships with
men. Other friends think it's okay for people to be bisex-
ual or straight, but they don't want to include such people
in their inner social circle.
Rather than establishing separate societies for every
imaginable type of person, I would rather we learn to accept
differences in each other. It hurts me to feel excluded
from the lives of lesbians because they feel I have it
easier than they do. I disagree -- I still have to come out
to my friends. I have the added tension of coming out to my
gay friends as bisexual. I have to deal with homophobes,
just as they do. I don't hide behind my bisexuality -- the
struggle for gay rights is important to me. I find it sad
that gays, who have been discriminated against for their
sexuality, can do the same to bisexuals.
There is a gray area between the subject of bisexuality
and the subject of monogamy versus polygamy. I have said
that I do not consider myself promiscuous, yet to satisfy my
desire for men and my desire for women in the same universe
requires something beyond one steady relationship. When I
had monogamous relationships with men, I still felt some-
thing missing from my life.
This is where I have the problem of satisfying my
needs, while being fair to my lovers. I have to explain to
potential lovers that they can never be the "one and only"
for me. This does not mean that I don't care about them.
Many potential lovers of both sexes are put off by my
refusal to tie myself down to one person. In order to be
fair, though, I feel I must explain before getting involved.
Even with all these difficulties, I do not regret being
bisexual. My experiences have taught me a lot. I have
learned that there are rotten men and nice men; bitchy women
and wonderful women. I have met straights who are extremely
open-minded, and gays who are bigots, as well as bigoted
straights and open-minded gays. Most of all, I have had
wonderful relationships with *people* -- regardless of their
gender.pickens@sdcsla.UUCP (Karen Pickens) (08/27/85)
Karen Pickens Institute for Cognitive Science
(USA+619-)452-2088 UC San Diego (mailcode C-015) [x2088]
ARPA: <pickens@nprdc.ARPA> La Jolla, CA 92093 U.S.A.
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