psh@hound.UUCP (P.HANSON) (08/16/85)
In response to the call for input from read-only participants I would like to submit a topic for discussion...bisexuality. I think this is an interesting topic for several reasons. Homosexuality has, over the past few years, gained a recognized place in todays society. Homosexuals now have respected and well formed communities, they have faught for their civil rights and all this had led to partial social acceptance. This acceptance by the outside and the supportiveness generated on the inside of the gay world has done much to create the opportunity for gays and lesbians to live happy and loving lives. However; it is difficult to say that the same opportunity exists for bisexual people. As one author has written, the bisexual is at the disadvantage of both homosexuals and heterosexuals, in terms of acceptance, because bisexuals are "enemies in both camps". It used to be the case that psychology only considered bisexuality as a transitory state between hetero- and homosexuality. Now, many psychologists don't believe that crap. And now with the Kinsey Report (I believe) it is thought that there may be many more bisexuals than homosexuals [I don't think one is required to be active with both sexes in order to fall into the range of 'bisexual', the determinant is one's preferences] So, where are they all? Bisexuality is interesting because there are now two closets to hide in i.e. one can be openly gay or straight and yet sneak on over to the other side. There is good reason for one to do this. We now have admittedly gay politicians and public servants but could you imagine an admittedly bisexual one? Clearly a major difficulty is facing the desire for marriage and children... I mean if one is bisexual, one could choose to live a straight life and not act on same-sex desires and thus gain the fulfilment that comes from family life. But, it is a trade off. Is being bisexual never to be happy? To satisfy both sexual preferences nearly eliminates the possibility of a monogamous relationship. And to have a monogamous relationship implies a sort of celebacy. Or does it? Let's hear from some representatives of the gay and straight community on what they think today's sentiments towards bi's are. Also, it would be interesting to hear from bisexuals about their personal difficulties in starting and maintaining relationships. Are there any married bisexuals out there?
manis@ubc-cs.UUCP (Vince Manis) (08/16/85)
I recently was talking to a man who claimed to be very happily married, yet wanted some kind of gay sexual experience. As we talked, I became quite convinced of two things: 1) that he was indeed happily married, wanted to do nothing to jeopardise that marriage, and judged gay sex to be very threatening to his marriage, and 2) that he considered his same-sex inclinations to be less strong than his opposite-sex ones. Yet he still felt that he was gay. After a lengthy discussion, I suggested the ''If it ain't broke, don't fix it'' philosophy, and he very dubiously agreed. I suggested that he contact me from time to time, but I've never seen him since. I don't know what to make of bisexuality, myself. Apart from the normal bisexuality that all of us experience, professed bisexuality seems to be something very different. I have often heard bisexuality used as a justification for a series of inconclusive relationships (yes, I know that's a cliche, but...). It must, however, be fairly difficult for someone to make a serious commitment to another person if s/he assumes that his/her sexual makeup requires continuing experiences with other people. (Yes, that makes me a closed relationship bigot, but these *are* the eighties, you know :-) On the other hand, do we want to draw lines so finely? After a long period of being on the outside looking in, the last thing I want to do to someone else is to marginalise her/him. I was recently reading (in The Body Politic) of the political squabbles at the Greater London Gay Community Centre. Apparently, there was a strong sentiment that S/M people and bisexuals, among others, not be allowed the use of the Centre. It was with some embarrassment that about 1/4 of the Centre's staff confessed to being bisexual. At the risk of flogging a dead horse, let me suggest yet another reason why we should prefer ''gay'' to ''homosexual''. I have known gay bisexuals, non-gay bisexuals, and (strangest of the lot) non-gay homosexuals. It all has to do with how you identify yourself, not whom you sleep with.
sdyer@bbncc5.UUCP (Steve Dyer) (08/18/85)
> Clearly a major difficulty is facing the desire for marriage and children... > I mean if one is bisexual, one could choose to live a straight life > and not act on same-sex desires and thus gain the fulfilment that > comes from family life. But, it is a trade off. Is being bisexual never > to be happy? To satisfy both sexual preferences nearly eliminates the > possibility of a monogamous relationship. And to have a monogamous > relationship implies a sort of celebacy. Or does it? > This past year, my lover and I got to know a visiting scholar who was bisexual--he was using his stay in the U.S. to explore his gay interests for the first time. He is married, and has children. Apparently he was aware of his feelings toward men for a long time, and finally decided that he had a choice of going crazy or actually acting on his desires. He was a card-carrying bisexual, because he was still attracted to women and was having great sex with his wife all this time. At least in his situation, it seemed to me to be a terrible problem--his wife knew absolutely nothing about this, and he had no intention of telling her anything, as much from fear about her reaction as from obstinacy. He LOVED his kids and didn't want to do anything which might have any risk of a separation. Thus, he often resorted to "affair" behavior, lying to her about where he'd be going or who he'd be seeing if it was at ALL gay-related, not simply sexual. We often felt like the "other couple", as it were, since we were being lied about, if not actually lying ourselves. It was the duplicity that bothered me so much--a relationship is built on trust, and it hurt me to see his wife being deceived regularly. Bisexuality is fine if the spouse knows about it, and they have dealt with the issues of monogamy and jealousy, but that surely wasn't the case here. I cannot stand too harshly in judgement of him; here was a person who had wrestled with a very painful personal issue, and was attempting some kind of compromise which allowed him to continue to keep the various parts of his life in a precarious balance. -- /Steve Dyer {harvard,seismo}!bbncc5!sdyer sdyer@bbncc5.ARPA
stone@masscomp.UUCP (Jonathan Stone) (08/20/85)
Indeed yes, there are a number of married bisexuals out there. I know of quite a few, and am one myself (as is my wife). Until now, I have been one of the read-onlies referred to, primarily due to the prejudice described in the previous article. Much as those with both black and white ancestry have in past places of racial hatred been termed "black" as they were perceived to be "tainted", so too have I been seen as a "faggot" by homophobes. Yet, I've also been perceived as straight (and worse) by a great many gays and lesbians. Surely, you must all be aware of examples of this strange brand of hatred. Even the previous article contained what I consider to be mis- conceptions. I don't see myself as "missing out" on anything, else I would never have chosen monogamy (after entering into a life-long monogamous heterosexual relationship, "marriage" seemed useful from a legal point of view. The associated philosophy is a different issue.) I feel no more of a loss for having made a commitment to my wife on the grounds that she is not a male, than I do that she is not a blond. Despite the perceptions of some, I am not hiding from anything. I have simply fallen in love with a women, and I know full well that had she been born male (or I female) the only difference (presuming our personalties unchanged) would have been in the perceptions of others. I could easily blather on for pages, but while I might feel somewhat purged, I am uncertain as to whether any would be interested. I will close with a comment on language and such. My mother told me that regardless of my beliefs, since I was born and raised a Jew I would be perceived by others as a Jew. She was referring of course to circumstances of prejudice, but since bigotry still flurishes I feel her point to be well taken. I call myself a Jew because I identify with the culture in which I was raised even though I do not share many of the beliefs which I consider fundamental to Jewdaism. Similarly, though my sex life is heterosexual I percieve myself as gay. By the way, I would be legitamately interested in any arguments as to why I should not (there is no "chip-on-the-shoulder" here, I'm looking for opinions and ideas.)
sdp@ucsbcsl.UUCP ( ) (08/22/85)
The reactions I've seen in other members of the gay community to bisexuals
has got be the single most puzzling thing I've learned about since I came
out. The most striking example I've heard of is from our local "Speaker's
Bureau". Volunteers speak at events ranging from Rotary Club meetings, to
high school sex/family life classes, describing a little of what it is like
to be gay in this society. One of the guidelines they use is that no
bisexuals are allowed to be on the panels.
This reasoning reflects the attitude "a bisexual is a gay person who hasn't
been willing or able to come completely out of the closet". I don't feel
that way. It seems to me that the bisexuals ought to be considered
a natural ally of the gay rights movement. And I absolutely cannot stomach
such sweeping generalizations about other people's mental health!
I don't see me sexuality as being a strictly black-and-white proposition,
any more than the rest of my personality.
The Demented Daemon,
Steve Parker
{sdcsvax,ucbvax}!ucsbcsl!sdpflaps@utcs.UUCP (Alan J Rosenthal) (08/30/85)
Well, I suppose that I would be called bisexual. I try to adopt a relatively calm attitude and decide whether or not I'm interested in a particular person, not whether I want to be straight or be gay. I don't think that being monogamous means that you have decided to be gay or straight, just like if straight people decide to be monogamous, they are not saying that they are no longer physically interested in anyone else, they are just saying that they are not going to do anything with them at this particular time. Like, if I decide to be monogamous with some man, for example, I am not saying to him that I am no longer interested in any women, any more than I am saying to him that I am no longer interested in any men. Does this make sense? It sounds perfectly clear to me...