levasseur@morgan.DEC (Ray EMD & S Admin 223-5027) (09/17/85)
Solitude vs Loneliness
or
Jason on Inner Reflection
The problem of loneliness seems to come up more in gay singles circles
than in straight or gay couples sectors. Summer is a time when everyone puts
on their happy face ans basks in the sun. Summer in Boston is like a star
that burns very brightly, but for a short period of time. After Labor day all
the boys cover their pecs under layers of Fall clothing, preparing for the
long cold Winter to come. I was sitting in Fritz last night and was surrounded
by men in levi, leather and bomber jackets. Just a couple of weeks ago tank
tops and shorts were uniform of the day.
An old friend once told me that gay men spent their Summers in search of
a special someone to hibernate the long New England Winters away with. I al-
ways seem to notice that during the Summer, everyone's single, then after
Labor day, they're all hitched up with a significant other of some sort. This
is the first time in 15 years that I'm still bobbing around like a ship without
an anchor as Winter approaches. This can be an especially hard time for gays
in that the Fall/Winter brings with it, the holiday season; yes boys and girls,
Santa will be here before you know it.
I learned something this Summer; basicly that most gay men I know have one,
or at most a very small handfull of people they truly call friends, the rest
are just guys they chat with at the bar but never get together with. I've rec-
ently taken stock of men I can truly say are friends and come up with three.
Does this help me in my feelings of aloneness? To some extent yes, but friends
have their own lives and I can't count on them to be there 24 hours a day. I've
also discovered why a lot of people I used to put down for hanging in the bars
do it; basicly to not be alone, to at least have others around them. So maybe
it's their way of coping with coming home to an empty apartment every day.
In a lot of ways our society makes it some kinda mortal sin to not be one
half of a couple or at least to not have a vast network of busom buddies. It
took me a long time to see this for the Madison Aveenue farce that it is. True
there are some people who are blessed with lovers and large groups of people
they can count on, but most of us have to settle with a lot less. This in it-
self is not a crime or an admittance of being a substandard person. Another
valuable lesson I learned this Summer is that a person can be as alone, if not
more so in the city than in the suburbs. The city offers many more outlets for
gay men and women but can also carry the price tag of "So many men/women, so
little time". It can actually be harder to meet people among the hustle and
bustle of faster paced urban living. Since moving to Boston, I have met many
more of the "Hi how are you, nice seeing ya, bye!" people then when I lived
50 miles from town.
So how are being alone and being lonely different for us? Being alone is
knowing the fact and not letting it bother you, being lonely is being miser-
able in your solitude. Loneliness is a fact of life with being human, we must
all cope with it at some time in our lives. Some people cannot handle the fact
of their solitude; they hurt so badly that suicide seems a viable solution. To
them I say, try to be patient with time. In time, new situations will bring
with them new friends and maybe a new lover.
Being alone can be a very positive period where you may get to know your-
self for the first time. With all the external noise of others surrounding you
gone, you can learn what makes you tick, what makes you happy, etc. It was a
hard lesson for me but I learned that a lover and friends could not make me
happy and whole; it had to come from inside. I think that a lot of gays and
non-gays alike believe that being one half of a couple = happiness. This is
as far from the truth as the Moral Majority being either Moral or the majority.
You can enter into a friendship/relationship and bring your own happiness to
share with your partner. People who are not happy and are insecure attempt to
suck happiness from their associates. This makes the lonely person all the more
desperate for a fix of happiness and pisses off the other party.
I now look at my times alone to be periods where I can treat myself. This is
not being selfish in the least but a way of giving the child in me positive
strokes. Let's say that I had a lover who hated cult films like Rocky Horror or
Buckaroo Banzai. I purposely held back from suggesting we go to the Orson Wells
Cinema to catch Devine in "Polyester" since I knew he wouldn't like it. We break
up. Geeee! now I'm alone, I can indulge all my cravings for screwball movies.
He also may have hated Chinese food. Now I can call a friend or go it alone and
pig out at the local Chinese eatery. Sometimes obsessively surrounding ourselves
with other people keeps us from finding what really turns us on.
Winter is a long time, especially in New England, to fill the many idle
hours alone. What's a boy to do? Well, since I'm not really keen on going to the
bars seven nights a week, I guess I'll have to find other things to keep me out
of trouble. In Boston there are a few gay social groups; maybe I'll look into
a pot luck supper group. There are also a few semi/predominatly gay gyms. I've
let the ol body of granite turn to sandstone so getting into a Nautilus program
can take up a couple of evenings a week; I might even meet a few people! I used
to fear the approaching Winter alone as a kind of curse but now try approaching
the situation as an opportunity to grow and enjoy my own company. I have 5 or 6
short stories and two novels that I've shelved in favor of clothing myself in
the company of others. How can I write when there are bodies all around me? So
I'll use this time as an opportunity to catch up on creative pursuits. So you
may feel that you're not creative, think about it! Would you like to learn to
play piano? Take some lessons, join an aerobics class, do something that makes
YOU feel good. If you can't make yourself happy, how can you expect to be really
happy with friends or a lover.
The hardest part of Winter is the holidays; at least for me anyway. What's
left of my family, takes off during the holiday season. A lot of gays either
live too far from their folks, don't have family left, etc. Last Winter was
the first Christmas I spent alone. I had recently broken up with a lover and
had this big empty apartment with only the cat for company. I called the coup-
le of friends that I have and had them over for dinner and to watch movies on
my VCR. I walked to a local restaurant in the falling snow and sat by their
fireplace sipping brandy and chatting with strangers on Christmas Eve. Some of
them were also alone and it was nice to just chat, keeping each other company.
My best friend has traditionally held an open house right before Christmas for
friends who have no place to go. I have felt closer to these people than to
family at times since there was true sharing. Each year Chiltern Mountain Club
has a Thanksgiving bash at someone's house. Last year it was held at an old
friend's place. My family was out of town and I dropped in at Roy's. I had
more fun there than with family and met a couple of new people. If you'll be
alone during the holidays, check out any gay groups in your area for holiday
gatherings. If there are no alternatives it may help to work with people who
are lonlier then you, the elderly, disabled, etc. Usually newspapers and radio
look for volunteers to help the elderly celebrate the holidays; it's a thought.
Another problem with being alone can be mealtime. How many of you get back
from the office only to wolf down a Whopper and fries or heat up something and
eat it from the pan. True! this saves on dish washing but detracts from the
enjoyment of the meal. I got into this very habit, rushing through my evening
meal, only to sit in front of the tv and vegetate the night away. My closest
gay friend who had lived alone for many years gave me advice that made dinner
alone much more enjoyable. He would have a quiet candle lit dinner alone. It
was his way of treating himself after a hard day at the office. Now that I'm
alone I tend to eat out more often. One problem with some places is that when
you ask for a table for one, they seat you somewhere behind a potted plant
near the kitchen. I look at it this way, my money is as good as that of coup-
les and I will ask to be seated with everyone else. I don't need my aloneness
re-enforced by being tucked out of sight somewhere and neither do you.
After dinner there are the hours until bedtime which must be filled. I now
use this time to catch up on things I may have neglected when my social calen-
dar was busier; clean house, catch up on reading, work on a project, practice
my disco mixes, work on my writing, etc. It sure beats laying in front of the
tube all evening feeling bad for myself. This winter will be different; I'm
going to become active in something, maybe an aerobics class, maybe Nautilus
or an evening adult education course. The chances of meeting other people in
places like these certainly outweigh hanging out at Chaps or Fritz all Winter
long but should not be the sole reason for taking part. I know a few guys who
only go to the gym to meet tricks. This is too bad since this time should be
used to relax and not filled with the tension of cruising.
Going back to being alone vs lonely. It wasn't until a couple of years
ago that I became aware of the difference. I always felt a dull, empty ache
inside. I was lonely and didn't know it! I would obsessively go out in hopes
of meeting someone. Little did I know that I was giving off "Little boy lost"
vibes and other guys avoided any proximity to my barstool. When these feelings
come over me now, I take a minute to think over why I'm feeling so isolated;
what strokes from myself or others are missing right now. Maybe I'm really miss-
ing the company of a close friend who's moved away, if that's the case I'll
give him a call to let him know that I'm thinking of him. It could be any num-
ber of things; needing physical contact or a little affection, etc. A lot of
people make the mistake of equating promiscuity with affection; the more strokes
they get the better they should feel.....wrong! I've gone through these periods
myself. Fact was that I felt good (physicly) when the trick was there but was
alone again after they left. It became almost like a drug as I needed a larger
and larger dose of body contact. All it ever did was make me feel even lonelier.
When a relationship looked as if it was getting off the ground I could usually
manage to scare the guy off with my clinging vine strangle hold. I had to learn
to like being on my own before I could offer anything positive to another.
Now it's basicly "I'm alone so what, kinda enjoy the freedom!" I never had
to make my own decisions, be my own boss and show myself a good time but now
I'm in control. Lonely people need outside stimulation all the time; a radio
tv or stereo continuously playing. In a way it's their way of blocking out the
silence of solitude, a distraction away from themselves. In silence, one will
tend to think, what else can he or she do. Some people don't want to think, it's
dangerous since they may have to face something inside that scares them. I pref-
er silence; unless there's a tv show I want to watch or feel like listening to
records. I find myself turning down invitations from time to time. Before, I
came running like a hungry dog at any social stimulation offered. There are
times that I just want to be by myself....totally.
Gay life can be very lonely, as can non gay single life. Society has very
subtle ways of telling us that it's bad not to have someone or be surrounded
by friends all the time. That's a pile of crap! You need to be alone to grow.
I'm not advocating selling everything and becomming a hermit on a mountain top;
just learn to become comfortable with your own company.
Ray (aka) Jason