levasseur@morgan.DEC (Ray EMD & S Admin 223-5027) (09/24/85)
Cosmic Questions of the Cosmos Answered
Or Attepted
Jason Ties it all Together
In a few of my other articles I've mentioned; loneliness, games, liars
and all sorts of other behaviors which pollute non-gay as well as gay soc-
iety. One person's response to the article on bars went something like, He
has only blasted and made fun of stereotypes without offering any construct-
ive advice. No! I did not mean to blindly thumb my nose at the boys at the
bars. I've given a lot of thought to earlier postings and through conversat-
ions with many netters as well those less fortunate, who cannot communicate
via a computer netowrk, I've come up with the distilled feelings of quite a
few gay men.
I'll shelve liars, bullshit artists and the other barracudas who give
the rest of us a bad name and concentrate on why some things honestly don't
work out. Toward the end of this article I'm going to chat about my personal
feelings regarding "Homophobia"
A few people have sent me mail stating that subjects I've brought up
touched on areas that they didn't feel comfortable with. It's too bad that a
lot of gay men and women would rather not give a little thought to what hurts
them, but rather attempt at ignoring or denying the existance of what another
has pulled. If you lean into the pain, allow yourself to feel it, take time
to analyze the reasons behind it, then it loses it's sting. The trouble is
that many gays have suffered so much more pain and rejection, that they reach
a limit and become cold, numb and cynical. This can explain a lot of what is
seen as "Attitude". The inner thought that says, "Hah! I'm not gonna talk to
him/her", can equal, "I can't bear another put down or rejection, therefore
I will do the rejecting first!" A lot of this operates in an almost totally
subconscious mode of thinking. A lot of people have very little access to
their subconscious minds; they have become experts at repressing feelings.
This in itself isn't bad until a slush fund of denied feelings builds up to
the point of threatening breakthrough to the waking mind. Anxiety attacks,
depression, etc can all be the result of the subconscious covertly modulating
the waking state.
My roomate and I have discussed coldness and cynicism as a defense mech-
anism against others hurting us. It does work to keep the turkeys away but it
also filters out a lot of really nice people. The trouble comes when you combine
my cynical behavior with that of all the other bar patrons; there is one big
standoff with everyone quietly thinking, I really wanna talk to him/her, but
why bother; he/she's probably a jerk. We already have a mindset that the hot
clone, hot Amazon is a snob and a jerk. This protects us, we can rationalize
away that we're better off not taking a chance. How many of you can admit to
having been really attracted to someone, but something inside paralyzed your
ability to just walk up and say, "Hello!" I've had many times where an att-
ractive man stood opposite me and winked, smiled, etc and the lump in my
throat kept me from going up and introducing myself. Over the years I've become
less afraid of my subconscious and can query it for answers.
>FIND ALL "OCCURANCES" IN SUB WHY I HAVEN'T APPROACHED
100,000 RECORDS FOUND
>LIST REASONS
10,000 RECORDS "SNUBBED"
25,000 RECORDS "TOLD TO FUCK OFF"
25,000 RECORDS "LAUGHED AT"
25,000 RECORDS "CATTY REMARK MADE BY OTHER PARTY"
15,000 RECORDS "MISCELLANEOUS REASONS"
So, most of us just swallow (unwittingly) each rejection without giving
thought to the reason; it just feeds the already massive database of hurt.
What I do now is give conscious thought to why the other person acted the
way he has and let myself off the hook as being a substandard person. In-
stead of adding records to your rejection base, you may consider the source,
geee I wonder what his problem is? you might ask yourself. There are a lot
of reasons why someone will reject you. Listed below are a few that men and
women have discussed with me; both from the rejector's as well as the per-
ceptions of the rejectees
* You just may not be the person's type and they don't know how to tell you
in a polite way. A lot of gay men have very strict guidelines in who they'll
be seen talking to. It's too bad since they lock out so many other interest-
ing folks. Maybe it would help if these people wore Tee shirts that read,
"I only talk to blonds","Bodybuilders","men with Roman noses" etc. Just
remember that you're no less a good person because Mr Wonderful snubs you.
* The person may want to be alone but want to be among others.
* The other person could be somewhat closeted, even though they're at the bar.
There are a lot of closet cases who frequent the bars but they're too shy to
accept your offer to chat.
* They may have a lover and only dropped in for a drink with no intention of
chatting/going home with anyone.
* They could be carrying around a much heavier load of emotional baggage than
you are. Trouble is that you cannot look into someone else's mind.
* They may actually have a Narcissistic hangup on themselves. In this case,
you're better off alone.
* This reason is pretty weak but common in gay men's bars, they may be afraid
of what their friends will think if they're seen talking with you. I have
had many occasions where someone has walked up to me at a store, on the street
etc and said they always wanted to talk to me. I had seen them many times and
they always seemed very cold and remote. The honest ones admitted that their
friends were judgemental and were afraid of criticism by them.
* The person may have had a really bad day, etc, etc or a whole host of other
reasons. Bottom line is, don't let it bother you, but don't be afraid to feel
the little ping of rejection either.
Another form of rejection can hurt more. It's this one that bothers me.
I'm sure that many of you have met people (not just bed partners) who's company
you've really enjoyed. They tell you all kinds of flowery things which lead you
to believe that the feeling's mutual. I can't count the number of times that I
have heard, "Geee I really enjoy your company, you're just so nice", " we have a
lot in common, I hope we become good friends", "I really want to see you again,
I'll call you on Tuesday", etc, etc. Funny thing is that most of the time, the
friendship never developes, the phone call never comes and you're soon forgot-
ten as another pleasant aquaintance for the evening. Instead of letting all
these lines seep into your subconscious rejection database, run them through
a filter first. Think about where the person is coming from. Do they seem sin-
cere? The test of time will tell you if there was any real sincere offer of
frienship. Most of the real friends I've met over theyears were not found in the
bars. I've found that the bars are good for partying with people you already
know, but not very conducive to making true friends. What follows are some of
the reasons I and others believe that the pther party never reciprocates.
* They may have truly enjoyed being with you on Saturday night. The emotional
high may have prompted them to say things that, at the moment, they really
meant. After you part company they "Sober up" so to speak, and don't feel
the same way.
* Booze and drugs can do much the same as the above. They may feel so good from
the intoxicant as well as your companionship, that the warm fuzzy feelings
make them say things they may not really mean. Some may not even remember who
you are. This doesn't have to be interpreted as an affront on your self worth;
just that the drug/alcohol blotted out the memory of the time they spent with
you. If this is the case, then you're also better off without them. They may
really have meant all the nice things they said while high. It's pretty well
known that drugs and alcohol lower inhibitions. Yeah! that's right, the things
that the guy may be too shy to say when sober come rambling out while sloshed.
They may also feel a little guilty about spouting out all these nice little
compliments to you afterwards and feel funny about following up on their off-
ers.
* There are those guys who's social/business calendars are busier then the Pres-
ident of the United State's. You may have been a refreshing respite from their
harried schedule and they were just expressing the fact. Once the two of you
part, they just don't have the time to get together again; you're soon forgot-
ten as more pressing issues take up their time.
* There are also those poor dizzy souls who tell everyone how wonderful they
are. They flit from flower to flower reciting a rote memorized list of nice
friendly things; not remembering who's who.
* It's hard to pin this one down but you may encounter a guy who seems so nice
and truly seems sincere. He tells you how wonderful and interesting you are
and really wants to develope a friendship or more. He may suffer from an ex-
tremely negative self image but won't verbalize it; he may not even be quite
aware of it. He really wants to get to know you but doesn't feel adequate to
bask in your shadow. He may be afraid that you'll see this and choose not to
follow up before you have a chance to reject him. You may in fact, be much
more well adjusted than him. For the two of you to become friends may actually
increase his sense of worthlessness, so he cuts off any further developements.
* There may be the person who has been burned by others too amny times to count.
You may be actually much nicer than anyone he's ever met. There may be an hon-
est offer to get to know each other better on his part. What will sabotage any
further intimacy is his fear that you'll turn out to be like all the other
jerks he's ever known.
* Then there's the guy who's company you've enjoyed and plans were made to get
together on an ongoing basis. It all ends as soon as it started. From the ab-
ove list; when you met he may have been alone and he's afraid the time will
come to meet his friends who may not approve of you. He may also have a lover
who's out of town. The lover may be jealous and he doesn't want him to know
that he's even been talking to others when lover boy returns......budding
frienship truncated! There are just a lot of guys who don't want to jeopard-
ize what they already have. To me, a friend who will criticise me for who I
chat with isn't much of a friend in the first place.
* There can also be the guy who's very afraid that he'll fall in love with you.
He wants your company a great deal but amy be afraid of his emotions. He may
be afraid that you won't return the feelings he fears in himself.
I'm sure there are many other reasons why gay men don't follow up. This can
leave the person on the recieving end of these promises feeling pretty hurt and
bitter. I've opened myself to many letdowns and false expectations based on the
claims of others that, "I really like you, let's be friends". I guess I try to
take a much harder look at what's being said. It would be much easier if God,
in his infinite wisdom had equipped each of us with an auxiliary port. We could
link our minds via an interface cable; each knowing what was going on in the
other person's mind, but we don't have that luxury! I always felt that these
other men were all in some ways assholes. Now I just say to myself, they may
be stoned, have problems handling rejection, be afraid, etc. I waste a lot less
time pondering why so and so never called. If he calls he calls, if he doesn't
then a friendship wasn't meant to be.
HOMOPHOBIA!
A relatively new word in the English language is "homophobia". This word
seemed to come on the scene when I first came out. Since a phobia is an irr-
ational fear of something, then homophobia is a fear of gay people with no
basis in reality for the fear. A lot of people we label as homophobic are not
really phobic; they just don't like gays. They may be quite conservative and
are just exercising their intolerance toward diversity. They want everything
to conform to their expectations. If they have 2.7 children, attend the First
Parish Church, belong to a certain Country Club, live in Wellesly, drive a
BMW; they may feel that everyone else should do the same, otherwise they're
suspect as deviate. There are those who are just plain RIGID! In a way they
are phobic of anything they don't understand; it's a threat to their belief
structure and values.
Phobias on the other hand, are a lot more tricky and insidious in operat-
ion. As my dear ol therapist told me years ago, "The fear can often mask the
desire". He also told me that a phobia is a fear projected on something that
is loosely connected to the trauma which caused the phobia. He helped me un-
cover the real issues which caused the fears. After getting a lot of my own
emotional baggage unloaded, I had a much better understanding of my Psyche 101
classes.
Here's a hypothetical phobia. A guy is in his 30's and is deathly afraid
of the dark. He doesn't know why, but if he's keft alone in a darkened room
he gets very uneasy; sometimes to the point of panic. When he was 2 or 3 years
old his alcoholic father may have beaten him unmercifully for no reason in his
bedroom. His young mind was not mature enough to understand why this was hap-
pening. All that he knew was that his daddy was causing him great physical as
well as mental pain. The pain may have been so great that he REPRESSED in into
his subconscious. Ok! all this psychic energy has to go somewhere. The boy's
mind submits it to a subconscious batch job as a means of coping. The mind
says, "I cannot bear the pain of knowing what's going on so I'll just project
this pain onto something convenient....Ah hah! the dark! That's it, the fear
has nothing to do with my dad beating me at all, the dark I can cope with".
The trouble with this is that this phobia will eat away at the guy until it
gets resolved. Until he understands the cause and resolves it, the fear can
eat away at a person as long as they live. If the denied feelings are severe
enough and stored long enough, a breakdown can occur. The person can no long-
er use the phobia as a crutch as the conscious mind becomes flooded by the
ocean of buried slush. It ain't pretty, I went through it many years ago and
have quite a good feel for what makes phobias, homophobia included operate.
Before coming out, I had quite a ten year bout with internal homophobia.
I was raised in a strict Catholic family where Homosexuality was the sin that
read off scale on the continuum of sins. This was coupled with the very real
pressures "to be a man", "queers were evil wicked people", etc. This all
started at a very early age and was duly recorded in my "you know where". The
trouble was that from the age of 4 I can admit to being attracted to members
of the same sex. I had an obsessive interest in the sinewy semi naked bodies
of men at the beach but also a repulsion. These two forces yanked me back and
forth for years. The dialog between my ears musta been something!
"geee I feel all warm and fuzzy below the belt whenever I see a man"
"HEY WHAT DO YOU WANNA BE SOME KINDA HOMO??"
"well really I can't be a homo. I don't wear women's clothing or hang around
in schoolyards with bags of candy. But why do I want to see X naked".
"EVERYONE ELSE IS DATING GIRLS, WHAT ARE YOU, WEIRD?"
"I know I'm not one of them, I can't be"
"BUT YOU ARE, YOU'LL SURELY GO TO HELL WHEN YOU DIE IF YOU ADMIT IT"
"God! I must be the only person who feels this way"
"YOU'RE SICK, PERVERTED, A DEVIATE IF YOU GIVE IN"
"oh no, I'll date girls, that way I can't be one of them"
etc, etc, etc on and on for years.
I'm sure what I went through is common to a lot of fag bashers; these guys
who have this obsessive need to lurk near places where gays are known to freq-
ent, only to beat up, even kill to justify that they're not themselves "QUEER"
When I started college the feelings were very close to conscious recognition.
Right away I started putting heavier and heavier lids on the feelings until
they became like a pressure cooker. I started driving by the only gay bar I
knew of and would holler "FAGGOTS!","QUEERS!" then speed off. The funny thing
was that I got quite excited doing this. I also started getting into fist
fights with guys I heard were gay. The revelation was that I wanted the physical
contact with a man and this was a way of simultaniously denying the fact that
I was gay as well as satisfying the need for contact, the fear was masking the
desire! The phobia allowed me to blame something that I wanted but couldn't
deal with on them "da faggots". When I did finally admit to myself what I was
there was a lot of pain "PLEASE I CAN'T BE ONE OF THEM". Facing a hidden truth
that has remained buried all of one's life can be almost catastrophic at first.
It took the new gay friends who I had slept with to convince me I was not alone
and it was all right to be who I was., This was also a time where I had to do
a lot of re-structuring of my life. Some of my old friends would certainly beat
the hell outta me if they found out I was gay; they were avoided. If a really
closeted homophobe does admit to himself and accept who he is, he runs a great
risk of loosing everything; friends, acceptance, status, etc He can also stand
to gain much more; self acceptance, integrity, emotional health.
These can also be some of the same guys who will fag bash on Friday, get
really drunk on Saturday and let a man fuck them. I knew two very close friends
in the Navy who were like this. Both got great joy from letting a gay man pick
them up in a bar, take them home and then beat them half to death and rob them.
On separate occasions I got really drunk with both. Both of them wanted to go
to bed with me, one asking, "I want you inside of me" This was no setup; trust
me. I knew both of them quite well. Of course, the next day would bring denials
that anything was said, "geeeeeze! I was soooo drunk last night. You puttin me
on man? Some guy try porkin me, I'de put his lights out!" Well, again alcohol
can lower a persons inhibitions and blackouts can be ever so convenient.
I'm not claiming that all people who dislike gays are closet cases in the
least but there are those who do suffer a form of neurosis linked with their
own repressed feelings. Geee now! doesn't fear account for a lot of really
self defeating/destructing behavior. For gays it's fear of rejection, for the
closeted homophobe it's fear of acceptance. What am I afriad of? lemmee see.
If some mugger comes up to me, sticking a gun to my head, I'de shit my pants,
I'de be so afraid! Now that's a real rational fear!
Ray (aka) Jason