bothner@Shasta.ARPA (09/30/85)
Below are the (lightly edited) responses I got when I asked about
books to give to one's parents about being gay. I finally bought
"Are You Still My Mother? (Are You Still My Family?)" by Gloria
Guss Back. This was published this year by Warner Books, ISBN
0-446-38195-0, and costs $7.95. The other choice might have been
"Now that you know", but Back's book was a) highly recommended by
the Advocate (though I didn't find the article mentioned below)
b) recent and c) available in a local bookstore (Printers Inc).
It begins with her own experience after one of her sons came out
to her, continues with a lot of excerpts from interviews and
questionaires of parents as well as children; tells in detail about
one of the counselling groups she led; and finishes with some
practical advice to both parents and children. Thus most of it is
written from a very personal perspective, but in between she
manages to informally include a lot of information and background
about homosexuality. It is all written in a very supportive and
understanding manner, and she convinces the reader that she is
still very proud and happy about her gay son and his lover. Though
hardly a work of scholarship, I have very few quibbles (one of
them is her insistence on capitalizing "Gay").
Thanks for all who replied; many of the other works mentioned are
on my to-read list.
--Per Bothner
Bothner@su-score.ARPA ...!{ucbvax,decwrl}!shasta!bothner
----
From: sun!wild@glacier (Will Doherty)
... here are two real good ones. I found out about them through
the Gay and Lesbian Counseling Service in Boston, when my lover
of that era was considering coming out to his parents.
Now That You Know by Fairchild and Hayward
Coming Out to Parents by Mary Borhek
----
As for the coming out question, surely you'll receive thousands (??) of
suggestions from readers as to how THEY managed it: obviously this is a
family-specific topic, but there are a few good books out there. I haven't
read a lot of the non-fiction except _The_Male_Couple_ by Mattison &
McWhirter (sp?) from San Diego & mayhaps one or two others I can't call
to mind without going home & looking at my limited library. (I *DO* rec-
commend _tMC_, though) You might look through Laura Hobson's _Consenting_
Adult_ to see whether or not you want your folks reading it; I have the
made-for-tv movie on VHS if you're interested (*I* liked it & so have more
than a few of my friends (of a *number* of persuasions)). Also, _The_Best_
Little_Boy_in_the_World_ by John Reid comes to mind, although it's all
set-up & no confrontation, so (again) look through it & see. I know that
there are more that I can remember when the deluge ceases flowing through
my office: it has been Grand Central this morning -- very unusual.
----
As it happens I just came out to Mom and Dad the day before Christmas. We also
interacted normally for the rest of my stay, and thereafter too. I have not
had a chance to visit them since due to distance and time. I checked with the
local chapter of PFLAG, Parent and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. I spoke with
a wonderfully supportive a realistic mother and she highly recommended "Now
That You Know". It is by two heterosexual mothers of gay children (a daughter
and a son) and from what I could tell by scanning it it seemed just the book.
My mother refused it at first by in the final moments as I packed to leave she
accepted it (in a plain brown bag). And also only because it was written from
her perspective! I believe that was the most important part. It may not be
the final reference book she needs but will help her to emotionally accept the
concept. I have yet to discuss my sexuality or the book again with the folks,
but from the continued quality of relationship we have something is going
right.
----
The most recent issue of the Advocate that I have has a glowing review by
Saslow (I forget his first name) of ["Are You Still My Mother? (Are You
Still My Family?)" by Gloria Guss Back], and of the seminars the
author used to hold for parents of gays in NYC. Unfortunately, she died
of a stroke recently. It is supposed to be the most informative, non-
judgmental book available.
----
The only one I've read is Dr. George Weinberg's "Society and the Healthy
Homosexual", Anchor Books, 1973. It's excellent. I think that it was in
this book that the term "homophobia" was introduced. I gave this book
to my parents just after I came out to them, but it sort of went over
their heads, or else they were just deaf to anything someone else said
during that emotional time. I suspect it could still be in print.
----
From: Glenn Andrew Kramer <G.GAK@lots-a>
I gave my parents a book called "Now that you know" by Betty Fairchild
and Nancy Hayward. I read it first; it wasn't exactly what I wanted to
get them, but it was pretty good. Another book that is supposed to be
good (but I haven't read) is "A Family Matter: A Parent's Guide to
Homosexuality", by Charles Silverstein. I know nothing about the book
by Gloria Guss Back. Good luck.