jrc@ritcv.UUCP (James R. Carbin) (10/28/85)
Go ahead line eater - see if I care!
True Confessions - "6 and 1/2 Years Later or Love is Blind!"
My motivation for taking the time time to post this article are twofold:
a) It provides a catharsis for me to express my feelings and perhaps even
receive some reinforcement from some kindly soul on the net.
b) To keep someone else from making the same mistakes I did.
After a year of promiscuity which ended when I finally came to my senses
that sex without love or at least a strong feeling of mutual admiration was
nothing more than a physical release after which I often felt guilty, I turned
to looking for a permanent relationship. The first one was a disaster but I
knew that it was from day one until day 730 or so. It lasted two years,
but was a relationship based on unrequited love. But I wanted to be with
someone so badly that I accepted the cheating, unfaithfulness, and everything
else for about two years. It was finally me who broke off this one.
The second was not much better, but after a year of so, you get pretty
lonely. I still felt that while it was difficult, that it was not the
norm, that it was unusual with two homosexuals, I wanted to be with
just one person. Well, you guessed it, before long, I was in the same
situation: While knowing that the relationship was one-sided, and that I was
literally being shit on, I am great at rationalizing, so this one lasted
almost three years before I broke it off.
The count is now 2 strikes and no balls! (No balls on my part, but I was
determined.)
A year went by, and wow, into my life at a time when I least expected it
walked my knight in shining armor! I said to myself, "See, you were right!
Love is posible." And the adage, "You are more apt to find the right person
when you are not actively seeking him," never seemed to be truer!
For almost six and one-half years, I had a wonderful time. We lived together
for about a year, but that was difficult as his job was on one side of town
and mine on the other. I owned my own home and selling it with the high
interest rates was going to be difficult at best. So he got an apartment of
his own, but we spent most weekends together; either he with me or me with
him, plus as many free days and holidays as possible. Both he and I have
jobs which involve "non-standard" working hours. It was great! I never
loved anyone so much in my whole life. Whaever he wanted, we tried to work
out how to get it, or how to do it, or whatever. I changed my will to leave
virtually everything to him. To me, he was everything. Short of a crime,
I would have done just about anythiing for him. I might add that while I
am not another Burt Reynolds, I can hold my own in the looks and attractiveness
categories. I'm not a dog just in case you're wondering.
Oh is love blind! When I first met him, he had just terminaed another
relationship. For a year or so when we lived together, it was the
two of us: Michael and Jim! Even after he got his apartment, we still
referred to my house as our house, and his apartment as our apartment.
I had a key to the apartment and he to my house. We gave them back to
each other yesterday.
About two weeks ago, I got a call from a good friend of his; a friend who
I felt never really cared for me, but that was o.k. He told me that he
and Michael had just broken up a two-year love-affair, and that I was a fool.
The caller went on to tell me that before him, there had been another "friend"
who was Michael's lover. Supposedly during this time, Michael and I were lovers.
I didn't believe the caller. I couldn't believe that caller even though
he called me again and told me things that I thought only Michael and I
would know about. Finally last Thursday, Michael blurted out the truth.
He had never loved me; I was good in the sack and he liked the first year
primarily for sexual reasons. There is a fair disparity in our incomes
so he also saw this as a good thing. Yes, he did have two other lovers in
succession; yes, I had been played for the fool.
Of course, he said many times last Thursday, I don't love you, but I care for
you. That is a sandard cliche used by anyone who breaks up a marriage or
an engagement, or any other deeply emotional relationship.
Durng the six and one-half years, he told me time after time that he
loved me and I like a jerk believed him.
He is a con artist extraordinaire! He showed me how he hid his lovers from
me with a false back to one of the closets. His last lover actually lived with
him in OUR apartment! Incredible! How he could ever have managaed to juggle
the balls (non pun intended) to keep me ignorant for so long is unbelievable!
I had a key to our apartment. Just unreal how he was able to handle the
situation. In retrospect, there were clues, but I was too blind to see them.
I can now think of some times when he was hinting around about ending our
relationship, but I always came up with "the solution." In retrospect,
I made his life rather difficiult, but thought I was just being fiathful
through thick and thin.
Now why write all this. Why bare my soul on the net?
1) Don't become paranoid or cynical, but be sure that you really see
what is going on! Six and one-half years is a long time - don't let it
happen to you! (Even if it is only 6 and one-half weeks!)
2) Obviously, I'm really hurting! Not really mad - maybe that was my problem;
I rarely got mad at him. I can now see how he manipulated me into
staying away from our apartment, etc. by making me feel guilty over some
minor issue. What is the adage, "The best defense is a srong offense!"
3) I'm sure that others on the net have gone through similar situations
even if perhaps not as trying. How do you get over it? How do you
accept that it was six and one-half yaars of your life? How can you ever
come to trust anyone else again? I can't really talk to anyone else about
it because all of our friends were mutual friends. An irony: many of them
knew what he was doing, and some even threatened to blow the whistle, as
they thought I was truly a caring person and deserved much more than I
was getting. Some friends! No one ever told me! Not only have I been
played for the fool, but so many people know that I was played for the fool.
His former lover (after our 1 year together) won't even speak to him. His
last lover who called me finally left him over what he was doing to me.
Unfortunately he is trying to use me to hurt Michael, and while I may have
reason to hurt him in the eyes of some, I can't bring myself to do it. Michael
says he wants to remain friends. I find that difficult to fathom, but likewise
at the same time find it difficult to imagine never knowing anything
about him in the future. Was I a jerk? What made me so blind? What in
hell do I do now? If it wasn't so real, I'd describe this script as a
lousy grade "B" movie or a day-time soap opera plot if it involved a man
and a woman.
Any constructive suggestions, comments, etc. would be appreciated.
Unless appropriate, I would prefer mail rather than a netwide posting.
Of course, if anything I have brought up is worthy of discussion, feel
free to use this article as the caalyst for your posting, but for the
sake of all, please edit my article.
And beware: What you see is not always what you get!
j.r. {allegra,seismo}!rochester!ritcv!jrc
p.s. In thinking about this, I become aware that this is just the kind of thing
that many of our critics say about us: We can't have lasting, trusting,
caring relations. Can we? or am I just a foolish romanticist?