levasseur@morgan.DEC (Ray EMD & S Admin 223-5027) (12/12/85)
The following article in no way reflects the opinions of my employer,
my terminal or the text editor on Morgan but is that of myself, friends
and discussions at local gay support groups. This article is about a very
sick type of individual which seems legion in the gay community. He is
not the garden variety bullshit artist but a person who needs serious
professional help and doesn't know it. He can be found in Auntie Dion's
world of the hustler which is where he's most at home.
==========================================================================
Still (not) Jaded After All These Years
Or
Famous Turkeys Jason Has Known
Over the years I think back and wonder where they've all come from and
gone, some were good some were bad. What I'm talking about are not memorable
Thanksgiving dinners but the turkeys that I've met over the years. The few
close friends that I have and I have often discussed and joked about the
truly messed up people we've invested physical, emotional and monetary ener-
gies in. So many of our stories share lots of similarities that at times I bel-
ieve that there's a factory in Detroit that turns out these defective guys.
One funny thing is that most of my friends are intelligent, mature and prof-
essional people and the guys I've dated have been two bit losers for the most
part. Most of my lovers, boyfriends and assorted other night moves have proved
to almost always be handsome, hot in bed and had a line of charming bull that
could circle the earth twice. Having been out for 16 years I'm finally getting
wise to the lies and phony alabies that I used to fall for hook, line and sink-
er.
Of course there are many nice gay people out there but where are they? For
the most part I've noticed that they're usually in committed relationships,
away from the bars and gay mileau. Some are single but too devoted to their
careers to get out, and then some are still semi-closeted. As my best friend
often says, "If ya don't meet Mr Right just after coming out and he's just
come out himself, then ya have to settle for what's available". I hear similar
complaints from the heterosexual side of the tracks that if you don't meet Mr
or Mrs Right early on, the pickins tend to be catch as catch can. Until one
learns what signals they're giving off (subconsciously) they will be condemned
to repeat the past. The victim of wife beating will subliminally seek out or
attract another wife beater after she gets rid of the first bum. The gay man
who seems to habitually wind up pairing off with those of a hustler mentality
will continue to do so until he wakes up and understands why he's repeating
the same patterns.
Since I moved to the big city I've fonud that there are many more turkeys
running loose in Boston than in Nashua, New Hampshire. Why you ask? Well,
small town boys do gossip and it doesn't take long for word to get around
about who's naughty and nice. These guys know that the jig will be up sooner
or later so it's easier for them to go underground in a big city. Cities att-
ract the stars, the big egos and the bimbos for reasons other than the Cosmo-
politan atmosphere. The big city offers anonymity and a larger variety of
victims. These guys can run around longer in Boston, New York, L.A. or San
Francisco ripping people off emotionally and financially than in Lowell, Mass.
and get away with it. It just takes longer for victims to get together and
accidentally bring up the name of someone who's taken them both for a ride.
Now don't get me wrong, I love the city and all it has to offer gay men and
women, culturally and socially. It is a fact that the downtrodden, drug
addicted, losers and other dregs gravitate to major U.S. cities where they
can hide among the masses.
These guys usually are fixtures at every bar that may be in the city.
I'm not putting down bars as a social outlet but I am putting them down for
what they attract. A turkey can work a number of bars all over the city
so as not to attract too much attention in any one place. He can enter into
a relationship in one end of town with someone he meets at one bar, take
that person for as much as he can, then split. He'll now start hanging around
in a bar in the other end of town and repeat same, staying away from bar
number one until enough time has passed so he'll be forgotten. Chances are
that the victims may be regulars at a given neighborhood bar so that two
victims on opposite ends of town may never meet.
These guys are expert con artists and usually pretty intelligent, they
must be to be able to juggle so much around and not be found out. The one's
that I've met or been told about were usually quite good looking, charming
beyond belief and hotter in bed than 3 Mile Island. The charm and hot sex
can be a psychic hook in itself to the victim; especially if he's feeling
lonely. They're very good at telling the victim everything he wants to hear
since most have years of practice and many other victims to sharpen their
skills on. They're also disarmingly charming and could charm the pants off
of a palace guard at Buckingham Palace. Charm in itself can almost be hyp-
notic to the victim. As a very old wise friend once told me, "Charm is all
that they have, it's their strongest weapon". Ok! so now I'll offer a hypo-
thetical ex of mine who's a mixture of all my bad ex's plus a few thrown in
by friends. I'm sure that a lot of you will recognize people who fit the
general description of this "Fairy Tale" relationship.
I met X at Chaps during Teadance. Here I was dressed in my tightest
faaded 501's and black muscle shirt. A friend comes up and tells me, "geee
you're gonna scare em all away with that hot facade. Well X comes up and
says, "hi handsome, come here often?" We talk for a while and exchange
numbers. He's very charming and seems to know a lot of people, also quite
nice looking.
I get a call a week later and I ask if we can meet somewhere quiet like
Fritz. He acts defensive and says that he doesn't like Fritz but used to
hang out there (very subtle hint here). So I show up at Chaps and end up
getting stood up. He calls the next day with what appears to be a good excuse
so I make a second date for which he's 1+ hour late. Now the excuse sounds
a little flimsy but I'm just dieing to hop in th sack with him since I've
been alone for a while and he is awfully hot looking. We come to my place
and have cosmicly wonderful sex. he tells me all kinds of charming stuff
about me and his past. At this point I do believe him. Weeks go by and I'm
starting to think about him more and more, but underneath I'm starting to
have buried negative feelings about him; something just doesn't seem right
as my subconscious starts decoding his true nature. I also can seldom reach
him at home and he often calls from a bar telling me how much he needs to be
with me.
One thing strikes me funny. He very rarely talks about work and I learn
that he hasn't held a steady job in quite a few years; works odd jobs here
and there. He also continually bums cigarettes and at times asks for a dollar
or two. I figure, what the heck and the requests start coming more frequently.
A lot of his past seems very nebulous but exciting from what he tells me. A
part of me (which of course I'm not listening to) is screaming at me that it's
all a pack of lies as he tells me about all his past fame as a balet dancer
actor, and when he was lead singer for a well known rock group in New York.
On two occasions I'm in Fritz and a total stranger approaches me and asks
if I'm seeing X. Both people saw me with him and wanted to warn me about him.
This can come from two kinda of sources; gossippy queens who have nothing
better to do then spread dirt or from honest concerned people who know his
past history. one gives me the number of an ex of X and tells me to call
him to get the full story. I refrain from calling the number since I wouldn't
want news to reach X that I'de been prying. I tell X about the two strangers
warning me and his reply is, "Oh honey you know how catty queens hate seeing
people who are happy together". Of course everything he tells me about his
ex is negative, a loser, user which is why he's temporarily in tight financ-
ial straights. I kinda believe him, he leads me to bed and the cosmic sex
starts. I've now written off prying any further.
On a few occasions I wake up to find him not in bed and wandering around
my apartment, his excuse is that he cannot sleep. The following week my room-
ate asks me who drank his $20 bottle of brandy. I ask X and he pulls a blank.
The following week we go to a party together and he seems to be the hit. I
notice that he doesn't want to mention to anyone he knows that I'm his boy-
friend but in private or in the company of my friends he announces his undie-
ing devotion (now I am getting quite suspicious). I only get invited over
to X's place a couple of times and find he lives in a rooming house and there
seems drug related stuff lieing around. He claims not to have slept with any-
one else but there's lube and poppers on the night stand and many trick sheets
on the coffee table. Claims the trick sheets are all years old and the lube
and poppers are for when he masturbates.
I still find myself wanting to be with him since the karmic hooks are deep-
ly sunk in and he knows it. He comes over and I wake up to find him listening
to the stereo on one occasion and watching porno videos on another. The foll-
owing week I notice a few of my tapes are missing. When I ask him about the
tapes he replies, "Aw gee honey I wish you would learn to trust me, you know
that I love you and would never dream of taking from you. You probably mis-
placed them, they'll show up!" I still semi-believe the turkey (karma hooks
still in) I really don't want to beleive he's the bum that my heart is telling
me he is. I call his place and he seems defensive, like there's someone else
there. I hear a male voice ask where the towels are in the backround and ask
who's there. he says it's the TV in the backround. He comes over the next
night and I notice what appears to be a faded hickey. Of course he claims it's
a bruise. We go to bed and have cosmicly wonderful sex which makes me tempor-
arilly forget my doubts.
I wake up to find him not in the apartment and can hear him talking from
next door at a gay neighbor's who I really don't know. I knock and there he
is seated on the couch in only a jock strap. The neighbor is wearing running
shorts. The lube and poppers are on the coffee table and pornos are running on
the VCR. He jumps up and exclaims, "Honey I know what you're thinking, we were
not having sex, really!" he now introduces me as his lover and the neighbor
leaves the room not wanting to be part of this. I ask the neighbor if they
were having sex and he says, "figure it out for yourself!" He follows me back
to my apartment and I order him to pack his stuff and leave, even offer cab
fare. A heated arguement breaks out and I find him defending himself even
further. I finally threaten to call the police and he pulls a $20 bill out of
his wallet and leaves (funny for a guy who never has any money to be pulling
20's out). An hour later the phone starts ringing every 5 minutes and the
other party hangs up, I finally unplug the phone.
The calls continue as he begs forgiveness and promises that things will
get better. He rambles on and on how hard life has been for him lately and
assures me that things will improve. I used to fall for this all the time
and wind up right back where I started, in emotional turmoil. With X I finally
was able to say, "Enough is enough!" When he called the next time I told him
exactly what I thought of him. His response is, "What! you call me a loser
and user!" and throws on me precisly what he is. These jerks have such a strong
ego that they can almost convince a victim that it is in fact them who are at
fault.
A few weeks after I break contact fully I get a call from a friend who asks
if I'm feeling alright. I ask why he's concerned and he replies that X told a
friend of his that he left me when he learned that I had AIDS. This of course
is a lie but these guys are very good at telling convincing stories that others
who don't know me will believe. When you yank the karmic hooks out, they'll
usually retaliate with visciousness to the n th degree.
It's a sorry fact but serious mental illness runs much more rampant in the
gay community then in the non gay. When I was in therapy my councelor was a
research psychologist and told me of studies he made into the gay community.
Serious neuroses are much more common as are delusional behavior and seriou
alcoholism. Mandate ran an article a few years back on gay alcoholics and the
findings showed that almost 70% of homosexual men and women have serious drink-
ing problems as opposed to 10% for society at large. Why are there so many
messed up people in our subculture? My therapist's theory (and I agree) feels
it stems from extreme anti homosexual messages that we're all bombarded with
from childhood on as well as the pressures of normal living. These people are
very sick and don't know it. Underneath all the laughter and charm there is
a cesspool of self hatred which gets dumped on whoever will swallow it. One
thing in common with all the turkeys I and others have known is that they
truly beleive they have no faults at all and it's the world that's screwed up.
If they did face the real truth about themselves they'de probably crack up.
Many have lied for so long that they honestly believe the web of lies they've
spun.
I got curious and finally called X's ex lover. He was defensive at first
but invited me over for coffee. I found out that X's ex was a very nice per-
son and worked as a systems analyst for a bank. X had told me that he was an
unemployable bum. The ex introduced me to others who concured with his feel-
ings. The whole process was a cleansing one and I realized that I was not the
only one who had been taken. I also learned that X had been arrested a few
times for petty crimes and was a small time pot and cocaine dealer (when he
had money, this is where it came from). Now I'll offer a few hints on avoid-
ing involvment with these characters.
o When you first meet someone and it seems that this will be more than a
one nighter, pay attention to any negative or uneasy feelings you may
have; no matter how much you enjoy their company. Your subconscious is
trying to tell you something. Some psychic theorists say that when two
people are in close proximity their auric fields cross and subliminal
messages are exchanged. I believe this after years of experience. In the
past I ignored my heart telling me to break things off in the beginning.
If your cock's telling you "Yes Yes" and your heart's saying "No No", go
with the heart.
o Do you find yourself always granting favors for them that they request
but not getting much in return? In any case you're being used. Their
charm can manipulate you into eating out of their hands. A lot of sickos
are expert manipulators which is how they get their own way. If after you
do the other person a favor then think to yourself, "jeeeze I really didn't
want to do that, here we go again. I'de rather not bring up the point that
I feel used, he'll get upset", then you have been suckered in.
o Do you find yourself doing precautionary things that you don't with other
men you've gone out with like hiding your wallet and car keys. X was one
of the few men who I've been involved with where I hid all valuables when
his back was turned. He asked for my office phone number but I told him
that management didn't like us getting outside calls. I would give my
work number gladly to most guys I know. In a way this is another subtle
way that your mind is warning you.
o You may question some aspect of the other person's claims. Do they get
defensive to point of being hostile? Do they throw back a flaming retort?
A true pathological liar has a lot at stake, his sanity! You're threat-
ening the reality his deluded mind has created. A noraml person when
questioned will usually give a calm beleivable answer, he might say, "yeah
I lied a little, here's what really happened". X had told me he almost
died of leukemia whic I beleived when I met him. I had strep throat and
he suggested I visit his doctor. In the course of our conversation I
told the doctor how bad I felt for X because he had been so sick. The
doctor's reply was that X had always been as healthy as a horse. I came
home a bit upset and told X what the doctor said about the leukemia. He
literlly blew up; physicly and verbally, then fled the apartment. A week
later he apologized saying this was the only lie about his life. I leanred
there were many more, too many to count.
o Does the person bum cigarettes and petty cash occasionally? Is he claim-
ing to be temporarily out of work? What are his education and skills?
Chances are that his greatest skill is a well developed line of bullshit.
Be very careful as these guys will come across quite beleivable. If you
have doubts, trust them. It's better to do without the hot sex and com-
panionship now than to get badly taken further down the pike.
o If he gets very defensive when you suggest going somewhere, get curious!
Since X shyed away from Fritz I started asking people I know if they knew
him. Most either didn't want to discuss him or told me to be careful. One
patron didn't know him but had heard that he was bad news and lived in
a fantasy land.
o If you're approached by one or more total strangers who want to warn you
about someone they've seen you with, pay attention! I used to believe that
these were just bitchy, gossippy queens but now I take their word. If a
person is truly nice no one will probably come up warning of impending
disaster.
o I get very suspicious when a person I'm dating continually tells me what
a nice caring person they are. The same goes for when they learn I'm
monogamous an keep reassuring me of their virtuous backrounds. Anyone
who is a truly nice or monogamous person doesn't have to shout it from
the rooftops, it shows in their actions. These people mouth this stuff,
in hopes of getting the victim to believe it as well as convincing them-
selves that they are what they claim.
o I also look at the other person's friends. X seemed to know a lot of show
business people, dancers, hustlers, bartenders and call boys. By and large
I've personally founds these types flighty and unstable. You can sometimes
judge a person by the company he keeps.
o Is the person a serious alcoholic or drug abuser? This may be very difficult
to find out right away. When I drink to much; I slur my speech, stagger and
eventually fall down. These guys will show no visible signs of being intox-
icated. A serious alcoholic has used denial to such an extent that he can
cover up any signs of being drunk. The three I had as lovers could polish off
a half gallon of booze; then drive a straight line, seem perfectly sober, etc
They do tend to be emotionally unstable and may blow up while under the in-
fluence, leaving the victim totally baffled. If you've had 10 drinks and are
feeling quite blitzed and your beau has put away 30 and is acting as sober
as a judge, then consider pulling out if the relationship is just starting.
Many times severe alcoholism is a part of a complex of emotional problems.
o I listen to their life stories, believing them until it seems that the 30
year old would have to be 65 to hav accomplished what they claim. They may
even prove a couple of their accomplishments to be true. There will always
be a little truth mixed with the lies. Most of these guys really haven't
done much except be popular at the bars and turn more tricks than a toll-
booth on an expressway. They really are quite insecure and the life they'r
telling you about is probably what they wish they could be. The one's I've
met live in a fantasy world of their own design. If this is the case, don't
be part of the fantasy, get out! There are real people out there.
o If you meet a guy and he starts pressuring you in subtle ways to move in
shortly after you meet, take my advice, don't! What you may feel in the
begnning may just be a serious case of infatuation because of his charm.
He may say something like, "I'm alredy in love with you (after 2 weeks)
and want to see more of you. If you really love me, then let's move in
together. What I've found is that the person doesn't want to lose hold
on you and movin in together allows the karma hooks a firmer hold. If
you do move in you'll learn very soon what the other person is really
like and head West in a hurry.
o If from the first time you have sex with him it's cosmicly wonderful
and he claims not to have slept with many men, beware! I found that in
all my cases that the other person was extremely good in bed, much more
so than any other person I had met. They'll probably tell you how mon-
ogamous thy are, don't beleive it for a second! These people have had
practice with thousands of other men. Link this with alcohol or drugs
and their inhibitions are gone, making them experts at lovemaking. Sex
and charm are all they have going for them.
o Be on the lookout for other strange personal habits. X would get up
after I fell asleep and wander around the apartment claiming not being
able to get to sleep. He would also choose to call me at 3-4am, knowing
I had to be up at 6am for work. Many psychotics don't sleep much at all.
Of course your place could also be getting cased for future ripoffs.
o What do your close trusted friends think about him? They have no emot-
ional investment in the guy and can be objective. Trust their opinions
from the start. None of my friends felt comfortable around X but were
pleasant to him. He was the only person my roomate requested I not bring
home since we've lived together. It's very easy to be sucked in and blind-
ed emotionally by these guys. You may feel like telling your friends to
mind their own business. Do your best to trust their opinions, most of
the time they'll be seeing something that you're not and looking out for
your best interests.
All in all, I'm not really jaded so much as becomming very cautious with
new romantic situations. There are a lot of very sick unblanced persons in
our community searching for an emotional anchor to steady them. They will
seek out honest, mature guys in the hope that they will take on your qual-
ities. In a way this is a from of psychic vampirism. If you feel emotionally
drained after being with them, start having nightmares involving them or
anything else that seems to be weakening you this could be a warning from
your subconscious that something is out of balance. Take heed! be careful!
and get out while getting is good. There are a lot of very honest wholesome
people in our community, they're just hard to find in certain areas.
The relationshipo with people like X are uaually short lived; less than
a year or a few months. It's a matter of the victim getting wise to how
sick the otehr is and bailing out. Some of these relationships last years
with the victim playing the martyr, "maybe things will change is I stick it
out a while longer". They most always never change
Ray (aka) Jason
"To all of the folks on net.motss, the Merriest of Christmas's and the
Happiest of New Years!"