boroff@bagels.DEC (E. Boroff, NCSS DECnet/PSI) (01/02/86)
I found this entry within our 'Sexetera' notes file. I browse through this one once in a while, to see what the het's have been up to. Anyway, the author of the entry is quoting from a book titled "Male Sexuality" by Zilbergeld. The topic in discussion is about men suppressing their emotions. It totally blew me away to find that most of the contributing men agreed more-or-less with the following extract. I would *explode* if I was unable to express myself emotionally to friends and intimate partners. Are we really that different?!?! (eric looking over the rim of his rose colored glasses... and then pushing them back up ``shudder'')! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ================================================================================ :: The world's favorite pastime 31-DEC-1985 17:46 Note 186.25 Myths About Sex (Male) 25 of 28 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "We learn early that only a narrow range of emotion is permitted to us: aggressiveness, competitiveness, anger, joviality, and the feelings associated with being in control. As we grow older, sexual feelings are added to the list. Weakness, confusion, fear, vulnerablity, tenderness, compassion and sensuality are allowed only to girls and women. A boy who exhibits any such traits is likely to be made fun of and called a sissy or girl (and what could be more devastating). We end up either consistently denying to ourselves that we have any of the taboo feelings or, if we do acknowledge them, we are careful to hide them from others and often worry about the consequences of being found out. We are convinced that others will find us unacceptable if we reveal certain feeling or qualities, and so we go thru life blocking huge portions of our lives. It is no wonder that close relationships are, at least, very difficult for men. Looking at the feeling prohibited to use, we can begin to understand why we have so much trouble relating to others. What kins of relationships can be based on aggressiveness, competitiveness, anger, sex, and joviality? How can there be closeness without compassion, tenderness, caring, trust, vulnerability-all emotions not allowed for men? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ eric \|/
rrizzo@bbncca.ARPA (Ron Rizzo) (01/03/86)
Frankly, I think this description of emotional inhibition applies to gay men as well, though maybe with lesser force for some. It can be seen in a lot of behavior in public (bars, social events, meetings, etc.) and private (please fill in here). More importantly, it goes deeper than surface conduct and affects things that underlie personalities (basic attitudes, drives, potentials): I think many of the manifold problems that typically affect/afflict gay male relationships, parti- cularly intimate ones, ultimately stem from the constraints of the male version of gender role, ie, a gay male relationship is problematic precisely because men are difficult to relate to. Period. You all know of gay male friends who at various points in their lives have opted to live or primarily associate with a woman (women). These relationships often are fairly intense emotionally, and even sexual. While the most often cited justification for them may be to be temporarily free of the sexual tension and conflict generated by the company of other gay males, I think an equally (more?) important reason is to lessen the difficulty of achieving emotional intimacy by choosing a partner (female) much more adept at intimacy and emotional expression. And I don't think that even a ferocious adoption of androgyny, drag, gender fuck, etc. necessarily frees an individual of the strongest constraints of the male role. It goes much deeper than mere "acting out." Certainly simply being PC won't do the trick, either. Cheers, Ron Rizzo
flaps@utcs.uucp (Alan J Rosenthal) (01/11/86)
In article <227@decwrl.DEC.COM> boroff@bagels.DEC (E. Boroff) writes: >It totally blew me away to find that most of the contributing men agreed >more-or-less with the following extract. I would *explode* if I was unable >to express myself emotionally to friends and intimate partners. Are we really >that different?!?! I don't think that ALL heterosexual men are like this, but I think that MOST are. Remember, heterosexuals have it very different in the sense that, especially with so much made of the differences between women and men, their sex partner is DIFFERENT from them in some presumably fundamental sense. It seems to me that many heterosexual men figure that if they don't tell a woman that they have emotions, she might never know. A gay man can't assume that, because he knows that his partner knows that men have emotions, being one himself. A heterosexual man can count (usually successfully) on quite a bit of ignorance about men from his partner. Alan J Rosenthal {linus|decvax}!utzoo!utcs!flaps, {ihnp4|allegra}!cbosgd!utcs!flaps