levasseur@euclid.DEC (Ray EMD & S Admin 223-5027) (01/24/86)
The opinions expressed are not those of my employer, terminal or
mother but stem from my own observations and those of members of a gay
rap group plus respondants to my earlier "It Ain't Pretty" posting. This
article is in no way complete but was edited down to 1/3 the length of
the original text file. Funding for this program was provided by in
part by "Probe" the lube of the stars, The South Nashua Gay Doo dah March-
ing Band and Chorus and Mahhhvelous Foods, makers of Mother Dexter's Cosmic
Quiche. Transcripts of this program are available. Send a shoebox filled with
small bills to:
"It Ain't Pretty"
P.O. Box 6969
Cherry Grove
Fire Island, N.Y.
Next week on "I Don't Wanna Know" Jason on Public Sex - A Double Standard (a)
(a) This will be real posting, maybe a bit more than a week away
================================================================================
Jason Attempts Answering More Cosmic Gay Questions
Or
"Why'd Ya Do Watcha Did?"
I got quite a few responses to the "It Ain't Pretty" posting, what was
surprising was that all of the respondants concurred with my article and
admitted to having same feelings. This is interesting since in person many may
have changed the subject or told me to stick it in my ear. This could be in
part to the semi anonymity that a computer link affords. Many are more willing
to share inner feelings to a total stranger then to their closest friends. This
is almost like an electronic confessional in a way with the priest seated behind
a terminal on one coast and the confessor on the opposite coast. Last year a gay
man sent me personal mail to say he enjoyed the Jason postings. He went on at
length to tell me he had contracted AIDS and shared all of his personal fears
and hopes for the future. He was a read only subscriber who has long since left
the network. I carried on a dialogue with him until he told me he was too sick
to continue working and bid me goodbye. I was glad at least that he had the love
and support of his employer, family and friends from what he told me. But! the
total purpose of this newsgroup is not *just* for emotional and spiritual cath-
arsis; I've enjoyed may articles written by others on subjects ranging from
Gay Parenting, What people do over the holidays, AIDS research, Gay music, gay
this and gay that. Through pen/keyboard pals I've learned what gay life is like
in other countries as well as other parts of the United States. Many non gay
readers have sent me mail saying that life on the single heterosexual side of
the tracks is no different then on our side. This has been (for me) a forum of
understanding (Arndtism aside) and I hope it continues to be so in the future.
Even Ken may be looking for answers, although in an unorthadox manner. None of
us can read the other poster's minds, only what we see on our screens.
Well! before I diverge from the subject any further, let me get back on
track....lemmee see, where was I? As I said before, many have shared (in priv-
ate) feelings that I have put before the group. I'm not looking for cheap
psychotherapy but since my minor in college was "Psych" I've always had a keen
interest in what makes people tick and have observed various behaviors pretty
closely. What I've come up with is that most of us act fairly rational in our
everyday lives; when it comes to matters of the heart then many of us go a
little squirrely, behave irratioanlly, etc.
I had mentioned that I'm much more warmly received in heterosexual groups
than in gay ones even though most of these people know that I'm gay. Maybe
because I act masculine and have *butch* hobbies they consider me one of the
guys, maybe they're just a bunch of well adjusted heterosexuals who feel sec-
ure in themselves enough to know I'm not a threat. Straight people on the whole
tend to be less insecure than we are. Sure! why not! they are the status quo
and don't have as much to worry about as far as being accepted goes. I have seen
some of the most disgustingly ugly fat straight men who had very positive images
of themselves,"I'm a good looking dude!" that were popular and made out with the
women like a Tomcat in heat. I've also seen some of the most incredibly great
looking gay men who felt they weren't worthy of ever hoping to be liked, let
alone loved! When "Small Town Boy" by Bronski Beat came out I could identify
with the lyrics, "Pushed around and kicked around, always the lonely boy" I
allowed the hatred of my peers to become my own self hatred. When I looked in
the mirror I saw an awfully ugly person as years went by. After coming out I
expected acceptance but found out that gays can be just as rejecting of their
own as the homophobes are of them; I felt even uglier. I'm just now learning
to go easier on myself and say, "you're not a bad looking person at all and
talented to boot, despite what they think".
The insecurity in gay men can come across as jealousy of others, resulting
in attitude and catty behavior to the object of their envy. Of course you'll
never know that hte other person wishes he was you or had your traits. He may
dish or in other ways discount you as a person in front of others. In this way
he can attract more attention to himself. One thing I have learned about gay
social groups/circles is that there is already an unspoken pecking order. There
may be an inner circle of kingpins who bask in attention. Now I or some new
comer show up and the fun begins. They may take an instant liking to me or rej-
ect my presence. If they see that I don't pose a threat to the status quo or
that I would compliment/enhance their attractiveness, then I may be asked to
join in. On the other hand if I seem to be overly attractive in their eyes
and they feel that I may steal some of their fire, they will ignore/reject
the fact that I'm there. They may even circulate through the crowd whispering
subtle warnings about me to their friends. This will help assure that no one
actually finds out that I could be in fact, a very nice person. Let me give
you a couple of true, real life experiences I've had. I'll bet many of you
have been on both ends of these scenarios.
I used to hang out at a local gay bar until I learned how the clientel
acted. The place attaracted the same basic crowd every week with a few out of
towners passing through on weekends. Most of the regulars knew each other so
gossip was common. All of a sudden I was aware that I wasn't welcome; the
doorman started hassling me, I had a hard time getting served and when I walk-
ed through the bar it was like Moses parting the Red Sea as the crowd moved
aside and stared as I passed. After a while I got quite concerned and since
I was kinda friendly with the manager I asked to chat with him in private. We
got together after closing time and I voiced my concerns. He asked me if I was
into kinky sex to which I said no and questioned why he was asking this. I found
out a heavy rumor had started that I was into heavy S & M and had a torture
chamber in my apartment. I also suppposedly had sent a couple of guys to th
hospital. The manager asked me to be honest, "do you have AIDS?" geeeze no
wonder people were running away, I had become an AIDS infected dungeon master!
I got furious at hearing this and asked who started the rumor!! He said to the
best of his knowledge there were a few guys who thought I was a real hunk and
wanted to go to bed with me. Since I had never noticed anyone eyeing me and took
action on it, they interptreted this as a rejection. The rational of their act-
ions was, "well he's too stuck up to talk with me. Well I'll fix him! If I can't
have him then no one else will either!" This is one of the most vicious things
some jaded queen can ever pull on another person and it's quite common among
a lot of gay circles...petty jealousy turned into hatred. I never found out who
the people were that started the rumors, just as well since I may have started
indulging in heavy S & M with a certain few men.
In another case I had been invited to attend a new gay social group's meet-
ing. Right from the start I fit right in and felt welcome. A lot of the members
said that they thought I was a welcome change and addition to the group. I beg-
an chairing a few meetings, then something went wrong, everyone started pulling
away. I was left in the corner all of a sudden and again started wondering what
was happening. I found out that the founder of the group, who's house we met at
had started some ugly rumors about me.....why? One night I dropped in on him
and of course he had nothing to say, wanted me to leave. I took him by the
shoulders and pushed him up against the wall, demanding to know what his problem
was, then I'de leave. He broke down crying and said that he was afraid I was go-
ing to become the center of attention, that everyone liked me and a few wanted
to sleep with me. The guy was a real hunk and had enjoyed the limelight until
now. He also said that he wanted to go to bed with me which I found flattering.
I asked why he just didn't come out and talk with me directly. His reply was
that he didn't want to get rejected. this one eneded up happier; I spent the
night with him and had a wonderful time. The two of us agreed that we would co-
chair the next meeting on Jealousy and childish gay insecurities and how they
destroy our solidarity. He and I went on to become friends as well as fuck bud-
dies until he moved to L.A.
The last case is a very close friend who I'm just beginning to understand
after 7 years. Ever since we became close he would compete with me on every sub-
ject we discussed. If I said I had a nice dinner, he had one that was 10 times
better, If I met a hot guy and slept with him, I wouldn't get the first sentence
out and he's be telling me how he almost scored with a perfect 10! He asked to
see my Jason articles and said that no one would be interested in reading them,
he could do better. The funny thing is that this poor guy hasn't really accom-
plished anything spectacular in his life. He's a wonderful guy but one of the
most insecure people I know. Everything I did became a challenge to him; what
was even worse at the time was that I discovered he was in love with me and
felt because I didn't acknowledge and act on his erotic attraction that I was
now an opponent on the erotic field of competition. At times he would admit to
being envious of things I had done, the men I had dated and my looks/body. I
have often told him, "you have to be happy with yourself, you're a good person.
You can't be me and probably wouldn't want to if you were." To this day he
still carries on in rut of inertia, still competes in his own mind. I can't
stop him, only he can become self confident enough so that we compliment one
another and are not in a constant state of petty competition. I wish there were
more gay men like my last roomate; a self confident, friendly person who has no
time for petty gay games. The two of us never competed or felt the need to gos-
sip behind one another's backs. We were both open in introducing each other to
our friends. I know there are many other well adjusted, self confident, polite
and openly friendly gays out there, but so far they have eluded my field of
vision.
I was raised a Catholic and a Christian. As a boy I never understood the
reasoning behind many actions that we bill as "sins". I just knew that for
some reason jealously, covetous behavior, lieing, gossiping and all the catty
stuff a lot of people wallow in was a no no in God's eyes. I think I have a
better understanding now, not just because God doesn't approve but because it
drasticly reduces our ability to interact as brothers and sisters down here on
the planet. We must rise above the petty bickering as gay people, lest we all
drown in our own shit. In my earlier posting I mentioned speaking to a couple
of straight Black friends. Blacks have suffered a common oppression, if they
spent all their time leaving one another out because so and so was too black
or someone was afriad that someone else might become too popular, there might
not have been a Martin Luthor King Jr, there might not be Blacks in management
positions or blacks in government, etc, etc. They share a common bond of racial
heritage as well as a history of pain and discrimination. The building I work
in has many Black employees. What I notice is that whoever they are, they are
always friendly to one another, greeting, smiling and chatting as they pass;
even to s newcomer. This is not just at work since I have been the only white
at black house parties and social functions. There was warmth and acceptance,
even to me who felt out of place but was encouraged to fit right in.
On the other hand we as gay men and women are not a bonefide "minority"
therefore not taken seriously. I have yet to apply for a job where a question
on the application (right there with race, creed, nationality) is sexual pref-
erance: Check one | | Straight | | Bisexual | | Gay | | Other please state.
We have no real reason to stick together other than our common oppression and
the fact that we make love withsame sexed members. Richard Pryor made a state-
ment on stage that gay liberation was the right to suck cock! I'll tell you,
if I were heterosexual that's what I'de think on the surface! To me I'de like
it to be more; not having to fear physical harm for being gay, not fearing loss
of job or apartment, being shown the same respect as any other tax paying Amer-
icans and being able to point to the crowd marching down the street on Gay Pride
day proclaiming, "These are my brothers and sisters, all united". Of course
someone may shout out of the crowd, "you're not my brother or friend, go away
I heard you're bad news". Well, actually one guy may whisper to another, "ppssst
see the guy with the video camera, stay away from him, I hear he fucks dogs and
cats". This of course is as it stands now.
Lookism is a real problem in our community and a major contributor to the
in/out crowd syndrome. Now be honest kids, how many of you have been at a bar or
party and this much older, not very attractive person stands next to you; does-
n't say or do anything, just stands there and you all of a sudden decide to move
I'll bet you didn't feel comfortable around him because you were afraid someone
may think he's with you. How many times have you been chatting with someone you
may not find attractive and all of a sudden a friend walks in, you turn and
totally disregard the person you've been talking to; afraid of what your friend
might say about your choice of company. Aw c'mon I know a lot of you, especially
you young whippah snappahs can identify with this. Well! it's just not polite,
they're just as gay as you and deserve the same recognition as you get. You may
be old and not so pretty some day. Remember what hte Bible says, "Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you". What this boils down to is don't trash oth-
ers unless you're a masochist and enjoy it yourself. If being snubbed hurts your
feelings don't pass it on to the next guy. The bitchiness buck keeps getting
passed on and on and on in the gay world and there's no excuse for it. Stop and
think about it for a while, someone gets hurt and you may look like a little
shining, slightly tarnished star. Your friends may approve but deep down I'll
bet they don't trust you and would not think twice of trashing you.
Along thee lines of "Do unto others" is the prejudgment of a new face. Ok
you see a wonderously handsome guy wno you want to get to know, you fromulate
your witty introduction while wiping your sweaty palms on your jeans, then
decide, what the hell! why bother! he probably a snob and a jerk! You walk
away always holding on to the opinion that Mr Hunk is a jerkoff, and you pass
this information on to friends. What gets accomplished; you have insulated your-
self from the possible hurt of rejection and made yourself look good in your
mind's eye, you have passed up the possability of a hot night in bed or at least
making a new chum, have polarized others against this person even though you
know nothing more than he's gorgeous, you have in subtle ways hurt further gay
solidarity as a group and you have passed the bitchiness buck once again.
Why not just go up and say "Hi" I don't think he'll pull a gun out and shoot
you (although from the bulge in his jeans he's carrying some kinda weapon:-) for
saying hello. The worst thing that he could do is walk away or say something
trite in passing by. What gets hurt....your pride, not gay pride but your own
selfish pride.
The good looking get ignored, snubbed and gossiped about just as much as the
less attractive, better beleive it boys! I dated a guy once who worked as a mod-
el for a big agancy in New York. Ya know what, he asked why a good looking guy
like me saw anything in him....aw! c'mon gimmee a break. Even though this guy
was an absolute 10 (shhhh be still my heat); had a body Naulilus would kill for,
the face of an angel, the dicka death and the charisma of a rock star....he felt
he was ugly! So here we are walking hand in hand wondering why the other saw any
ting in us; needless to say the relationship was short lived. I lter learned
that most guys wouldda killed to go out with him but figured they were not wor-
thy to bask in his shadow, therefore he was avoided like the plague. What laid
beneath the face, muscles and everything else was a very sweet, quiet and shy
person who had been labeled as a snob.
I've run into many men in non threatening envoronments who actively snubbed
me at gay bars and parties. Once they got to chatting with me they admitted to
having me figured all wrong. They were under the impression in the bar that
because I was muscular and dressed the part of the hot clone, that I was un-
approachable, therefore a jerk! What they found in private, away from their
friends is that I'm pretty laid back, open, soft spoken and friendly. What we
must all do is give each other a chance instead of pronouncing the verdict of
"guilty" before having all the facts on a person. If the American judicial
system worked like the gay social mileiu does, everyone would be in prison, with
no hope of parole.
I can usually tell fairly easy if a person is a snob and jerk. Their haughty
behavior will give them away. If the tall dark stranger is just kinda quiet and
alone he's probably just that "quiet and alone" with no airs or affectations. I
cannot see labeling a guy as arrogant or stuck up, just because he's the lone
wolf or outsider, but many do.
To put somebody else down or make them feel unwelcome as a way of making
ourselves feel better is a cheap shot. Those of you who may do it should stop
and think for a while about how secure you feel about yourself. This can be a
hard and painful process. You may find out that you don't really have any good
friends, that you don't think you're worth knowing yourself, etc. Take a minute
to examine the reasons you reject/snub others. What is it about them that you
don't like; are you envious of their looks, career, personality or anything
else? If you are, then stop right there before attempting to sabotage their
success in a situation. What's at stake; your pride, your own shaky position
on the social totem pole, your likability, etc? Do some emotional houseclean-
ing on yourself before you attack someone else. As thge Bible also says, "let
he who is without sin cast the first stone". This is a very hard thing to do
without some serious thinking on your own part. Ok everybody....drop the rocks!
Before closing I'de like to talk briefly about why gay men seem to surround
themselves (especially the younger ones) with guys who they feel will make them
look good. Beauty is only skin deep but it sure turns a lotta heads. Underneath
we're all made of the same blood, guts and bones that psycho horror flicks enjoy
splattering on the screen....not very pretty at all...yech! We all posess an
immortal soul (which some would sell for some looks) and a common humanity. We
also share our gayness and sensitivity. Gays are among some of the most sensit-
ive, empathetic and polite people in human services. As waiters, health workers
and other public servants they are the friendliest. So! why not treat your gay
brothers even better, regardless of their looks or what others have told you.
A gay hairdresser may treat an ugly old bag lady with more respect then some-
one he's introduced to who's nose may not be the right shape. I chose my few
friends on content and character, not on slick packaging. Many guys are able
to get by on looks alone and lack any social etiquette whatsoever. They are
the ones who will surround themselves with an entourage of pretty men who are
as shallow as themselves. I'm not generalizing, I've just seen it too many
times to write it off as a delusion. Needless to say I'm not involved with
the beautiful who's looks will pass. I'm dieing to see what they have left
when the final curtain of old age falls.
Going back to the Gay Pride March I notice that this is one day a year in
Boston where everybody acts like brothers and sisters. There's a lot of hugging
and and comaraderee. People who act like I was found under a rock the rest of
the year treat me like a long lost friend. Why can't we act like this toward
one another 365 days a year, regardless whether the other guy is Black, older,
not terribly attractive or whatever other flaw he has. We're all flawed in one
way or another. As a non recognized minority we have to stick together and open-
ly embrace the new gay face seeking acceptance and commradeship. This will take
a lot of work and I don't really expect to see it happen for quite a while. As
a group we have a lot of neuroses to get over and a lot of growing up to do.
Gay women complain to me that gay men are too flighty, irresponsible, and phony,
gay men complain that the dykes are taking over the bar. I agree with the gay
women. C'mon children lets get over the irrational judgements and bickering;
if we don't we all go down together.....
Regards, Ray (aka) Jason