fisher@dssdev.DEC (Gerry Fisher --- Terminally Inane) (01/18/86)
Fathers, Mothers, "Love," and Coming Out:
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I forgot who posted the original piece, but that person mentioned
something that interested me. The posted presented a case where a
father used "love" as a reason for trying to "change" the son's
sexuality.
Although I have not experienced this from my own parents, the story
brought to mind difficulties involved with coming out to my parents.
I have been "out" to my parents for about 2 1/2 years now (I have been
out for 3 years; I am 24 years old). It took my mother a year to be
able to talk about homosexuality, and just now are we able to talk
about men I am dating. My father and I don't talk much, but that is not
related to my sexuality.
One thing struck me about the letters/speeches I received from them
after coming out. They both had radically different reactions, but
they both handed me the same line, "Well...I kinda knew all along!"
I can't describe how hurt I was hearing this. Suddenly the truth was
obscured ("I was struggling with my sexuality with no one to whom I
could turn"), and I was being accused of being a liar ("You kept your
sexuality from us, even though we suspected all along! Not a single
girlfriend for all those years!") Months after I had figured out my
sexuality for myself, I came out to them. How dare they accuse me of
keeping a secret from them.
Three years later, I still feel bitterness about this. I can't help
feeling that life *could* have been so much easier for me if my
parents had initiated conversations with me about sexuality. I know
that they couldn't have said, "Gee, Gerry. Are you gay?" But, if I
didn't have a girlfriend for all those years, couldn't they have shown
some concern about that instead of ignoring it? I imitated their
example by ignoring the fact that I never had girlfriends. There was
an implicit assumption that it would "just happen" someday.
I don't hold a grudge against my parents for saying what they did. I
guess that I am dreaming of the day when parents can explain the
spectrum of human sexuality to their adolescent children, and instill
faith in them that their sexuality, whatever it may be, is beautiful,
unique, and most important of all, "ok" to them.
Any thoughts?
Gerry Fisher
...decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-dssdev!fisher
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Nashua, NH: Where the men are men, and the sheep are nervous.on@hpda.UUCP (Owen Rowley) (01/21/86)
>In article <526@decwrl.DEC.COM> fisher@dssdev.DEC (Gerry Fisher --- Terminally Inane) writes: >I don't hold a grudge against my parents for saying what they did. I >guess that I am dreaming of the day when parents can explain the >spectrum of human sexuality to their adolescent children, and instill >faith in them that their sexuality, whatever it may be, is beautiful, >unique, and most important of all, "ok" to them. > Gerry Fisher > ...decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-dssdev!fisher At a gay mens rap group I occasionally attend, I heard a man relate the story of his "coming out" He was twelve years old and scared, his mother was supportive and told him that it was OK with her, his Father revealed that he was bisexual himself, and proved to be a real friend through the years as a source of advise and comfort. So I guess it does happen though not enough.. I relate to Gerrys attitude that the silence and aversion to discussing "it" is not really the kind of supportiv parenting that I needed.. During the period of my life when I tryed to be socially acceptable and got married I was often amused by the blank stares I got from relatives when they learned that I had a wife!! :-) LUX .. on Owen Rowley hplabs!hpda!on
cycy@isl1.ri.cmu.edu (Christopher Young) (01/24/86)
I can understand how Gerry feels in regard to lack of support from his parents. I feel sad that they cannot understand my situation, or even be supportive of the sexual aspect of my life. It feels disappointing, especially since I have a s'other who I wishh could feel comfortable and part of my family. However, bitterness only begets more bitterness and negativeness. And it is not really our parents fault if they cannot understand or be terrible supportive of us on that aspect of our lives. (My parents, though, are supportive in many other ways...). They've been raised in a society where bias against gays is very deeply entrenched. And it can become a viscious circle. Most of our parents, I think, have to engage in a battle with themselves when dealing with the news that their child is gay. They have to deal with the values they've grown up with, often not just "homosexuality is wrong" type values, but others that re-enforce such values. They want grandchildren, and even though they may have no right to expect any, it's a natural desire. They may have to even deal with their own fears, insecurities, and doubts. So often, I think, it's not really all that much easier for them to deal with our gayness than it is for us to. The best thing we can do as a group is to work to change attitudes so that future generations do not have to deal with the same difficulties concerning their sexuality that most of us have. It can be done; it's a lot easier to come out now than it was in the 50's, for example. We need to turn negative feelings into positive energy. Hard, but possible.