cycy@isl1.ri.cmu.edu (Christopher Young) (02/20/86)
Reading the various postings about "straight acting gays" and "enjoying the diversity of gay culture", etc., has brought some thoughts to mind which I'd like to share. They are thoughts about how we, as gay people, behave and the pressures put upon us to behave one way or another. One the interesting points is that whenever somebody says something about "straight- acting", somebody responds with "what about gay acting"? It comes to mind that many of us are indeed acting. In fact, this is one of the aspects of the gay community that bothers me so much (though I'm aware it is also existant in the "straight" community, though I think to a less conscious extent). Why can't people just be themselves? Why do they have to "act"? I know that sometimes I am the object of scorn because I act the way I am. I hear garbage like "still think you're straight, girl?", or "why do you act so butch?", or "can't handle the gay life, huh?", etc. I wish I could type a sneer, because that is usually in the quote, too. There are a large number of people who seem to believe that if you're gay, you have to behave in a certain fashion. And this is definitely not an exclusively straight concept; gays tend to strongly stereotype themselves in roles which it seems "straight society" has created and which "gay society" seems bent on perpetuating. Either your femme, or your macho, but the middle ground isn't always very well accepted. So my first point is, it seems to be that, in looking for an "acceptable" way to behave, many gay people take on stereotypical roles and resent those who don't as traitors. Personally, I can't stand being called a girl or "Mary". This is because I am neither a girl nor is my name Mary. And I don't feel comfortable with people who act out stereotypes, regardless of whether it is butch or femme. Why? Because people who are acting out stereotypes do not strike me as sincere. It is, for me, a very weird experience to talk to somebody who needs a 3 foot clearance to walk somewhere because of hip movement, and it is equally weird to talk to somebody swathed in leather and chains. Of course these examples are exagerated. I'm not going to give a detailed account of every example I can think of. The point is, though, that it is hard to want to be associated with somebody who's just putting on an act. I know somebody is going to say "how can you tell if somebody's putting on an act? Maybe that's how they really are." They won't like my answer, either. But I believe a person can feel when somebody is just affected, and not being themselves. I believe there are undoubtedly cues given off by the person, but I can't list them now. (maybe if somebody flames me I'll try to analyse the cues). What I can say is that my judgement of character has so far tended to be accurate. I really don't perceive myself as being macho butch or femme. Just as me. I think one of the things I value the most is my individuality. I tend to resist strongly suggestions that I behave like one thing or another. This goes for more than "acting gay" or "acting gay", too. If somebody points out what they think is a flaw in me, and I think they have a point, then I try to change. But I will not conform to a stereotype deliberately. And as far as feminine and masculine qualities are concerned, my belief is that any normal person has a mixure of both. And we should be glad for that. It's the Tao. Feminine and masculine qualities are just labels anyway. But most of all, I feel I get closer to my own balance, and that is ultimately who I am (ie., I figure out more of myself). I know people who are naturally feminine and naturally masculine, too. That doesn';t bother me. And again, I know it's not a show because I can feel they are not acting; they are just being who they are. I think people should just be who they are, is the point of this post. All the pretentious hogwash does nobody good. By the way, it's been my experience that gay couples, especially the so-called "straight- acting" ones, do tend to leave the gay subculture behind, at least to some degree, as noted by Andrew Gerber. This is not surprising since relationships require time and effort, so there is less time to engage in other social activities. This is true of straight couples too.