anon@spdcc.UUCP (Anonymous USENET account) (03/09/86)
Hi there,
Just call me George, its not my real name but being the gutless wonder
that I am I do not want to bare my soul and my real name at the
same time. You may respond to the net or Steve Dyer will relay mail
back to me.
I am a computer professional, single, in my early thirties, and bisexual.
I am still quite confused about my sexuality despite having stuck one
or more feet out of the closet as long as 15 years ago. I am currently
in psychotherapy with a "non-aligned" therapist (probably Jungian at
heart) who at least professes to believe that people are innately
bisexual; no fighting a therapist who wants to *change* me.
(How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the
light bulb really has to want to change.)
A little background: My first sexual experience was at 10 or 11. It
was with my best friend B. I don't remember who initiated the
encounters, but after a while it definetly was me who initiated.
Aside from an adult Boy Scout leader, Mr. R, whose initiation rites were
a bit outside of social acceptability (the Patrol leader and assistant
were blindfolded and "made" to 69) I never had what could be termed a
seductive experience.
Incidently the adult leader was married, a pillar of the community etc.
and included his son in the initiations! His son and I, being the
youngest, did not have explicitly sexual rites but did watch the
other's which were sexual. The reason I mention this is that a lot
of people are horrified when I mention this and say that I was sexually
abused by this pillar (:-) and that even now, over 20 years later, I
should press charges or something absurd like that. My personal reaction
is that Mr. R, while a sicky, did not harm me and after one season of
taking us for overnights did not continue.
I, on the other hand, had *very* strong cravings for sex and seduced,
or attempted to seduce, a number of peers. Around the age of 14 B's
hetero feelings starting to blossom and he starting treating me abusely
(not physically, just socially). Things never were emotional between
us, we never caressed or kissed or proclaimed love etc. but I guess
he felt guilty and wanted to distance himself. Didn't stop him from
calling when "he had the urge" (of course I was allways willing).
I guess that, my sister seducing another friend (she later claimed
she did not know there was anything between us), and that asshole
Dr David Rueben's _Everything_You_Wanted_To_Know_About_Sex_ (but
couldn't find an educated homophobe to tell you) starting seriously
eroding my self confidence. My own hetero feelings were starting
at the same time but lacking friends and having miserable role models
of parents I never dated or any of the other "normal" adolescent
activities. When I was invited to a birthday party for one of my mother's
friend's children, I got sick the day of the party because of my
anxiety over going and playing spin the bottle.
The years 14-16 were the first part of my crazy years: drug use, running
away from home (hum, in restrospect I'm don't think that was so crazy,
my home was *very* nutty), declining scholastic achievment (I was
considered very gifted but my parents chose to ignore the pleas of
school officials to place me in a school for gifted). Anyhow, to cut
thru the wallowing self pity, them years was very painful. Around my
17th birthday (drivers license time) I discovered a Gay org at the
local college and, at least partially, came out. No fan-fairs, earth
shaking, or most disappointing, personal problems disappearing.
My first hetero experience was that summer. It was with the best friend
of my "girlfriend" (I was a just a friend to her, she tolerated my clumsy
attempts to go to bed with her). My GF not only knew about me and her
friend, she let us use her bedroom while she listened from the guest
room. From a physical standpoint the experience was okay, emotionally
it did nothing for me (she left in the middle of the night and seemed
uneasy around me after that, she was drunk and had been hinting and I
propositioned her).
My college years were bitter-sweet. A lot of promiscuous sex with men
and a lot of attempting sex in relationships with female friends. I
managed a few times. I was *very* out of the closet my freshman year
(except to family, going to a school far from home) but went back in
after that because I got too turned off my the campy/sarcastic people
active in the local gay org.
After college things a few things changed, I had a long term affair.
("remember", said N, married he, "if things get emotional I will stop
this like that" (snap of fingers). Aside from that limitation
(which delighted me, being as the last thing *I* wanted was an
emotional relationship with a man) it was a good relationship. We had
a good time together, doing non-sexual things more than sexual.
He insisted that I meet his family (gulp!) who did not know what our
relationship really was. They thought (or did a damn good job of
pretending) that he was simply befriending another stray pup.
In the middle of that relationship I got involved with a women who lived
in my apartment building. N, considerately, dropped the sexual portion
of our friendship for the duration. L and I lived together for three
months and they were hell. She was crazier than I was! I couldn't adjust
to her sexual cycle (3 AM, and only when she wanted it) and she didn't
give a damn about mine (any time, especially 7 AM). I learned alot about
JAP foreplay (two hours of begging and pleading). I was so desperate
that even suspecting that she was cheating on me I proposed to her.
Thank god she said no! The relationship ended when she borrowed my
car, failed to pick me up that night, and returned the next morning
man in tow (a neighbor later told me they spent the night in his apt.).
That evening I seduced (for lack of better term) a male friend and shortly
thereafter resumed sex with N. That was 9 years ago. Two years later
I spoiled a fine platonic friendship with a women by ignoring her lack
of interest in a deeper relationship and bugging the shit out of her.
After that I immersed myself in the bath house scene, until three years
ago when I went celibate because of AIDS fears. A little over a year
ago I staring going to female prostitutes because "I was getting crazy
for sex" (yes, I masturbated all the time, no real relief).
When I heard that they thought prostitutes were HTLV-3 carriers I stopped
going (about 6 months ago) waited for 8 weeks and got the AIDS antibody
test (negative). During this time a female friend (yep, you guessed it!)
We never got sexual, the feelings just got too crazy. After that I
went back to the prostitute twice: first time was okay but I could have
done as good a job myself, second time I couln't touch her, the only
way I could orgasm was to pretend that I was having sex with a man.
I left convinced that there was proof that I am not bisexual, that I
am 100% percent homophile. My therapist sees that experience as evidence
that I am in better touch with my needs (emotional and compassionate)
and I just felt the emptiness a bit earlier than usual (usually the "glow"
fades about 10 minutes after I'm done). I am toying with the idea of
going back to the Gay community, recent contacts with it have shown me
that there does exist a "healthy" (non-role playing monogamous) sub-
community. My real concern is that the problems with women are not
just with women and that I will en up with the same shit in a relationship
with a man. I might add, as an aside, that I find women *much* more
sexually attractive than men but enjoy sex better with a man.
I may have hurt the women that I have involved with; certainly I have
hurt myself (and two of three hurt me). I guess I'm just very confused
and looking for people whose life experiences have similarities to mine
who have worked thru the shit.
Thank you for letting me unburden myself!