mikeb@ptsfa.UUCP (Michael Barkley) (05/15/85)
MA BELL AND THE SEVEN LITTLE BELLS A FABLE Once upon a time there was a naughty lady named Ma Bell. In fact this lady was SO naughty, she had to go to Court. She spent many years in Court, and the longer she was there the worse it got. They actually wanted to draw and quarter her. So at the last possible moment she worked out a plea bargain: she would lose some weight (which she wanted to do anyway), she wouldn't be able to do newspapers for seven years, and she would be permitted to do many new and interesting things she wasn't allowed to do before, and we all know this is much better than being drawn and quartered, right? Well, the Judge knew that as part of the plea bargain Ma would soon be giving birth to seven little Baby Bells. The Judge was very worried that the seven Baby Bells some day might possibly maybe conceivably perhaps could do some of the naughty things that Ma once was alleged to have done, so the Judge ordered that when and if the Baby Bells were born they would be locked up absolutely forever, or until they became so decrepit they could no longer walk unassisted (which he may or may not allow depending on whether or not they could prove that there was absolutely positively no chance whatsoever of any of Ma's alleged naughty behavior recurring, not ever, no way) whichever came first. So while Ma was doing her time the seven Baby Bells were born, and everyone was impressed with what wonderfully healthy Baby Bells they were. After a few months these bouncing Baby Bells began to Think Independently (which, after all, was what they had been told to do) and looked around and wondered why they were locked up while the entire rest of the world was having a good time Thinking Independently without being locked up. So the Baby Bells went to the Judge and asked if they could do their Thinking Independently out in the real world along with everyone else. Well, needless to say, the Judge was furious! He said why didn't you tell me before you were born that you would be wanting to do this? He said didn't I do enough for you by providing that if you ever got so decrepit you could not walk unassisted you could walk back to me and ask to be released (which I may or may not allow depending on whether or not you could prove that there was absolutely positively no chance whatsoever of any of Ma's alleged naughty behavior recurring, not ever, no way)? He said that just to show he was a nice guy he would allow a little freedom. He said that you could designate any 10% of your Baby Bell bodies as eligible for freedom, he would make a hole in the fence just big enough to stick that 10% out through so you could wave it around in the free air outside the fence, but first you had to have surgery to make absolutely sure there would be no blood or nerve impulses moving back and forth between these small pieces parts and the main Baby Bell, and isn't that generous of me? Well, the Baby Bells pondered this, and decided to accept the wonderful generosity of the kindly Judge, and had the surgery performed. But they still wondered exactly what it was they had done before they were born that caused them to be treated like second class citizens.... The moral of this tale is, if your neighbor's kids are bothering you, or you think they will have kids someday who might bother you, have the neighbors prosecuted for alleged antitrust violations and you'll never have to worry about their kids again.... - - - - - - - - Some anonymous person has suggested to me anonymously that I add a disclaimer to this little fable, so here goes: These words are not my employer's words; These words are not even my words; I believe God spoke these words to me in the middle of the night, but he wouldn't leave his name, so I guess this is a cosmic anonymous letter.... --mikeb, 415/261-7189