doc@cxsea.UUCP (Documentation ) (03/07/86)
********* SHOES FOR INDUSTRY! WORDS FOR THE LINE-EATER! ************ REALLY TERRIFIC LAWYER JOKE #1: Q: How do you tell the difference between a dead dog laying in the road and a dead lawyer laying in the road? A: You can tell by the skid marks leading up to the dog. (they get better - honest; keep reading) REALLY TERRIFIC LAWYER JOKE #2: A large and important multinational corporation was looking for a new CEO for one of its many varied and nameless subsidiaries. The selection committee had narrowed the field to 3 promising candidates: an engineer, an accountant, and a lawyer. All three were immensely well-suited to the job, all three had superb credentials, education, experience, successful and impressive track records, the works. The committee was stumped. Finally, they devised a simple test of common sense. They asked the engineer to come into the conference room, sat him in a chair, and asked, "How much is 2 plus 2?". The engineer thought a moment, pulled out his calculator, punched the buttons for awhile, and said "I would say, within an error probability of .00000005%, that 2 plus 2 is 4". The committe thanked him, led him to the door and asked the accountant to come in. When he was seated, they asked him the same question: "How much is 2 plus 2?". The accountant smiled and said "I'd have to say that 2 plus 2 is 4". The committee thanked him as well, led him out, and asked the lawyer to come in and sit down. They then asked him "How much is 2 plus 2?". The lawyer stared hard at each of them for a moment, then got up, walked to the office window and closed the drapes, walked back to the door and locked it, looked under the desk for tape recorders, listening devices, etc., and checked the room thoroughly for microphones, before coming back to the committee and sitting down again. He looked at the committee and said "Well, how much do you want it to be?" REALLY TERRIFIC LAWYER JOKE #3: One day the pope died (as popes will do now and then). He arrived at the pearly gates, ready to receive his reward. St. Peter greeted him warmly, like you would greet an old friend (after all, this IS the pope ...) and let him inside the pearly gates to a modest little place to live, slightly better than what a monk might live in. The pope thanked St. Peter and sat down, contemplating how to begin enjoying his eternal reward. After some minutes, he heard band music playing outside his window. He got up and looked outside at what appeared to be a parade going by. Curious, he went outside to watch. A long procession of marching bands, baton twirlers, floats, banners, marchers, and what have you came by, until finally, after what seemed like hours, along came a convertible with a normal-looking man in a suit sitting up on the back seat, waving to the crown and getting wild applause. The convertible then drove off to an extremely large and opulent mansion and deposited the man, who waved again and went inside. After the parade, the pope was confused. He found St. Peter and said "Look: I'm the Pope, I've led an exemplary life of piety, devotion, and good works. Why was I placed in such a sparse accomodation, with no real welcome to speak of, and then you have a huge parade to welcome some average guy into a palace?" St. Peter scoffed. "Look, Pope, guys like you are a dime a dozen. We get holy pious people all the time. But that guy in the parade is only the first lawyer we've seen up here since 1932!". REALLY TERRIFIC LAWYER JOKE #4: One day, a doctor, a civil engineer, a lawyer, and their prize bird-dogs went duck hunting. They had quite a time of it, lots of ducks to shoot, the dogs were busy, and as it turned out all three hunters bagged the daily limit. Sitting around the campfire that night, they had a royal feast, gorging themselves on roast duck meat. After the ducks were eaten, they were passing the bottle around, bragging about how smart their hunting dogs were, and the liquor flowed faster and the lies came out bigger and better, until finally the doctor said "OK, guys. I'll SHOW you just how well trained MY dog is." Whereupon he looked at his prize dog and said "Hippocrates! Sick 'em!" The dog jumped on the pile of duck bones and began scuffling and tussling, making wierd doggy kinds of noises and raising a huge cloud of dust that soon enveloped the campsite and had everyone choking and gagging. After about five minutes, the scuffling stopped, the dust settled, they stopped coughing and opened squinted through the dust to see the dog sitting smugly, wagging his tail, next to an anatomically perfect duck chassis, made from bones. Needless to say, the engineer and the lawyer were impressed (and of course who wouldn't be?). But, with the gauntlet thus thrown down, the engineer had to go the doctor one better. So, he looked at HIS prize bird-dog and said "Re-bar! Sick 'em". Re-bar jumped on the pile of remaining bones and kicked up a huge cloud of dust, scuffling and tussling for a good ten minutes, with the three hunters choking and gagging all the while. When the dog stopped, the dust began to settle, and when the hunters could see again, there was the dog sitting next to a 30-foot long, triple-span suspension bridge running through the camp, made from (what else?) duck bones. Well, the other two rocked back on their heels, duly impressed. The lawyer, however, knew it was his turn. With a sly smile he looked at his dog and said "OK, Loophole! Sick 'em!" The dog leaped onto the bones with such fury that the camp was immediately engulfed in a dense cloud of dust, branches, small furry animals, etc., for at least an hour and a half. By the time the dust settled the three hunters were almost dead from suffocation, but were alive enough to see that the lawyer's dog had eaten all the bones and screwed the other two dogs. _______________________________________________________________________ "OK! OK! I confess: I'm a lawyer. So SUE me! Joel Gilman Motorola/Computer X, Inc. Seattle _______________________________________________________________________