moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Judge Moriarty Wapner) (12/19/85)
<Remember, if you want to be on the SPC Mailing list, write to the E-mail address below> [Setting: a small, white-walled room with a collection of brick-a-brack scattered on the floor. A single narrow window shows a night panorama of frost, back yards, and lighted houses. To the right of the window, against the wall, is a desk small enough to be a child's; atop it rests a Macintosh computer and several peripheral devices, and a mound of 3 1/2" disks. To the right of this are two high oak bookshelves, containing an odd collection of American history texts, film and television reference volumes, magazine back issues, science fiction novels, pulps, and texts which have no easy classification. The opposite wall is marked by a door and a large number of cardboard file cabinets which are stacked to look like one large pigeon-hole archive. The fourth wall is bare except for a large Nagel print of a enigmatic Japanese woman. However, the dominating structure in the room is a Scandanavian recliner positioned in the center of the floor, and the brown-haired, dull-looking man dressed in a smoking jacket, levis, grey-and-red socks and sandels lounging in it. He is reading a novel by Garrison Keillor, and has not noticed our presence yet.] [The man looks up from his book, and starts violently] MEYER: Gads! I didn't expect you for another hour! Sorry for the state of things, but Judge Wapner said you wouldn't be in until later. I'm Jeff Meyer, software engineer for the John Fluke Manufacturing Company (Inc.), and the literary agent for Judge Moriarty Wapner, the magistrate in charge of Stupid People's Court. [straightens jacket, brushing off large numbers of pistachio shells]. I also occasionally publish documents by Professor Moriarty, the Napoleon of Crime, but that's another story... Anyway, many of you have been inquiring about His Honor's wherabouts for the last few weeks. He had mentioned that he planned to have the transcriptions of his recent "Stupid People's Court VS the American Press Media" case ready by now, which resulted in the landmark penalty of forcing Rupert Murdoch to listen to Andy Rooney's comments on sawdust for two weeks. However, pressures on his time (several requests for him to investigate the `Rambo' phenomena, among other things), the duties and pleasures of the holiday season, and the unusually bad winter weather Seattle has experienced during the last month have caused major delays in output of any cases. I hope to be typing in several new cases starting in January (one for each month-and-a-half period), as an outbreak of Stupidity seems to be in the wind lately. [Meyer rustles around in pockets of his jacket, apparently without success, and begins searching the floor of the room until he finds an crumpled-but-official looking piece of paper. He resumes his seated postion...] In closing, the Judge asked me to wish all of you a happy holiday season... [stares intently at the piece of paper] ...and hoping that you have a new year which is less polluted by random or deliberate acts of stupidty. He thanks all of you who have written to him over the past year; and he is sorry to inform those of you who asked that he has no influence as to who Santa gives coal to. He does have ideas, though... [Drops paper, and looks at audience] Finally, to all those who have written with comments, opinions and compliments about SPC, thank you; while the basis of all these case reports are, of course, based on the REAL-LIFE ACCOUNTS of Stupid People's Court [winks], I do appreciate the feedback. The volume of court cases may not be so large next year, but I will do my best to uphold the level of quality that is associated with SPC. From myself, Judge MW and The Professor, here's wishing you and yours a relaxing and memorable holiday. [Gets up from chair and replaces book on shelf] Rest assured that we have plenty of raw research material [he gestures at the cardboard filing cabinets] for the 1986 docket of... STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT! [Meyer walks out door of room, switching off the lights. The room is imbedded in night, save for the dim starlight slinking in from the window. All is quiet for several seconds...] VOICE FROM INSIDE FILING CABINETS: Pssst! Sly! Hey, Sly! I think he's gone! 2nd VOICE FROM INSIDE FILING CABINETS: Great, Mr. Meese, but how do we get OUTTA here?! ---- If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net. Take it to court. ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ****** Judge Moriarty Wapner Stupid People's Court ARPA: fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPA UUCP: {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, sb1, lbl-csam}!fluke!moriarty DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not necessarily represent the views of my employers. They are entirely out of my dark and furitive imagination.