moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Judge Moriarty Wapner) (12/19/85)
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[Setting: a small, white-walled room with a collection of brick-a-brack
scattered on the floor. A single narrow window shows a night panorama of
frost, back yards, and lighted houses. To the right of the window, against
the wall, is a desk small enough to be a child's; atop it rests a Macintosh
computer and several peripheral devices, and a mound of 3 1/2" disks. To
the right of this are two high oak bookshelves, containing an odd
collection of American history texts, film and television reference
volumes, magazine back issues, science fiction novels, pulps, and texts
which have no easy classification. The opposite wall is marked by a door
and a large number of cardboard file cabinets which are stacked to look
like one large pigeon-hole archive. The fourth wall is bare except for a
large Nagel print of a enigmatic Japanese woman. However, the dominating
structure in the room is a Scandanavian recliner positioned in the center
of the floor, and the brown-haired, dull-looking man dressed in a smoking
jacket, levis, grey-and-red socks and sandels lounging in it. He is
reading a novel by Garrison Keillor, and has not noticed our presence yet.]
[The man looks up from his book, and starts violently]
MEYER:
Gads! I didn't expect you for another hour! Sorry for the state of
things, but Judge Wapner said you wouldn't be in until later. I'm
Jeff Meyer, software engineer for the John Fluke Manufacturing
Company (Inc.), and the literary agent for Judge Moriarty Wapner, the
magistrate in charge of Stupid People's Court. [straightens jacket,
brushing off large numbers of pistachio shells]. I also occasionally
publish documents by Professor Moriarty, the Napoleon of Crime, but
that's another story...
Anyway, many of you have been inquiring about His Honor's wherabouts
for the last few weeks. He had mentioned that he planned to have the
transcriptions of his recent "Stupid People's Court VS the American
Press Media" case ready by now, which resulted in the landmark
penalty of forcing Rupert Murdoch to listen to Andy Rooney's comments
on sawdust for two weeks. However, pressures on his time (several
requests for him to investigate the `Rambo' phenomena, among other
things), the duties and pleasures of the holiday season, and the
unusually bad winter weather Seattle has experienced during the last
month have caused major delays in output of any cases. I hope to be
typing in several new cases starting in January (one for each
month-and-a-half period), as an outbreak of Stupidity seems to be in
the wind lately.
[Meyer rustles around in pockets of his jacket, apparently without success,
and begins searching the floor of the room until he finds an
crumpled-but-official looking piece of paper. He resumes his seated
postion...]
In closing, the Judge asked me to wish all of you a happy holiday
season... [stares intently at the piece of paper] ...and hoping that
you have a new year which is less polluted by random or deliberate
acts of stupidty. He thanks all of you who have written to him over
the past year; and he is sorry to inform those of you who asked that
he has no influence as to who Santa gives coal to. He does have
ideas, though...
[Drops paper, and looks at audience]
Finally, to all those who have written with comments, opinions and
compliments about SPC, thank you; while the basis of all these case
reports are, of course, based on the REAL-LIFE ACCOUNTS of Stupid
People's Court [winks], I do appreciate the feedback. The volume of
court cases may not be so large next year, but I will do my best to
uphold the level of quality that is associated with SPC. From
myself, Judge MW and The Professor, here's wishing you and yours a
relaxing and memorable holiday.
[Gets up from chair and replaces book on shelf]
Rest assured that we have plenty of raw research material [he
gestures at the cardboard filing cabinets] for the 1986 docket of...
STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!
[Meyer walks out door of room, switching off the lights. The room is
imbedded in night, save for the dim starlight slinking in from the window.
All is quiet for several seconds...]
VOICE FROM INSIDE FILING CABINETS: Pssst! Sly! Hey, Sly! I think he's
gone!
2nd VOICE FROM INSIDE FILING CABINETS: Great, Mr. Meese, but how do we get
OUTTA here?!
----
If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net. Take it to court.
****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
Judge Moriarty Wapner
Stupid People's Court
ARPA: fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPA
UUCP: {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, sb1, lbl-csam}!fluke!moriarty
DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
necessarily represent the views of my employers. They are
entirely out of my dark and furitive imagination.