Pavel.pa@Xerox.ARPA (09/26/84)
From: Pavel.pa@XEROX.ARPA
Date: 25 Sep 84 16:08:48 PDT (Tuesday)
From: Jef Poskanzer <Poskanzer.PA>
Subject: It's getting harder to be super.
To: AllWhimsy^
cc: RoyalNavy:;, INFO-COBOL@MIT-MC.ARPA
[from Technology Review, February/March 1981, page 87]
Superheroes from throughout the galaxy recently met in Metropolis
for the First Joint Conference of Superheroes. This important event was
staged in an effort to give new direction to the ailing superhero
business: superheroes are falling by the wayside because of advances in
technology. Conference chairperson Green Lantern summed up the problem
in his opening address: "The fact is," he remarked, "it's getting harder
to be a superhero."
Superman gave substance to some of the problems addressed at the
conference. "Leaping tall buildings at a single bound is one thing when
the building is only 20 stories tall. But modern skyscrapers - some
over 100 stories high - are causing me serious concern about future job
security. Why, with the speed of some modern elevators, even old Perry
White can get to the top of some buildings as fast as I can. Recently,
I had to take four bounds to reach the top of the Sears tower in
Chicago."
Superman continued, "And as for being faster than a speeding bullet,
the new generation of military rifles, including the M-16 and the AK-47,
already gives me a close race. I wouldn't be surprised if, in five
years, I just won't be able to compete."
The overwhelming concerns of the other superheroes echoed Superman's
worries about forthcoming obsolescence. The Flash, for example,
proposed that the conferees form a joint committee to look into pension
options for superheroes forced out of work. This was adopted by the
conference, and the Flash was named as chairsuperhero. Also on the
pension committee are Bruce Wayne of the dynamic duo, Batman and Robin.
Wayne favors adoption of a plan similar to Social Security in which
earnings of all superheroes are taxed to form a general fund.
Aquaman, whose ability to talk to fish is not yet in technological
jeopardy and whose skills are increasingly in demand as offshore
drilling, shipping, fishing, and ocean-mining activities increase, had
sharp words against such a plan. "If Batman and Robin don't have the
skills to remain competitive in the superhero business, they should get
out. They can always get work as a comedy act, like Jerry Mahoney and
Knucklehead Smith. If the free market doesn't require their services,
then they should find another market - not leech an existence from those
who have remained competitive in changing times. Why should I subsidize
people who offer nothing in return? Sure, Superman, Flash, and some of
the others want a free ride. But I have my own row to hoe. Let them
take care of themselves."
Scientist Bruce Banner, whose research efforts led to the
development of his superstrength alter ego, the Hulk, had a different
view. "A pension plan is treating the symptoms and not the causes," he
said. "What we need is a concerted research effort to keep up with
developing technology. Aquaman feels confident about his future now,
but it won't be long before he is in the same boat as the others."
Banner proposed a two-pronged research effort. One branch would
look into advanced applications for super-talents already possessed.
For instance, Superman could use his x-ray vision to evaluate stresses
in bridges, dams, and buildings.
A second and even more important research area is the development of
new superpowers. "As my own work has proven," he said, "superpowers can
be developed scientifically. We must strive for innovations that will
keep us ahead of new developments in crime. For example, with the
upsurge in electronic bank robberies, there is a serious need for
someone to oversee data-processing operations around the world.
'Chipman' or 'Chipwoman' could monitor electronic pulses in the world's
communications networks to lead them to the culprits. And 'Memoryman'
or 'Memorywoman' could preclude the consequences of common computer
failures that erase memory banks. The ramifications of these data loses
are both costly and, when involving defense or crime-fighting files,
dangerous."
Banner's comments were met both with interest and skepticism.
Remarked fellow scientist Braniac 5, "While the superheroes generally
possess above-average intelligence, many are still skeptical of pursuing
scientific solutions. They tend to see science as their enemy - the
force that is creating their obsolescence. It is therefore hard for
them to support research."
But Banner's proposal did garner enough interest that Lantern also
created a committee to investigate the feasibility or research-oriented
solutions. And although a date has not been finalized, the conferees
agreed to meet again this winter in Gotham City to review the reports of
the two special committees.
The conference ended on a humerous note with an annoying appearance
by the imp from the fifth dimension, Mr. Mxyzptlk. However, John Jones,
Martian Man Hunter, was able to induce the imp to say his name
backwards, thus sending him back to his own dimension.
-- Jeff Stollman