parks@noao.UUCP (Jay Parks) (10/07/85)
(yawn)
Yes, the nightmare is real. Jim Shooter really does plan on
producing _Secret_Wars_III_. This deranged madman is not satisfied with
merely gagging us twice, he insists on forcing this third (hopefully
final) indignity on us.
Big Jim's latest masterful idea is to have the beyonder invade,
not merely the ordinary Marvel Universe, but Marvel's Epic line of
comics, as well.
The beyonder's first stop is Rec Level 97, in the Starstruck
universe. There, he gambles with a troop of Girl Guides, but they win
every game and steal away his beyonder power. This enrages him, so he
borrows some machinery from a passing woman (Verloona Ti) and sucks out
the life force of the girl guides, thereby recovering his awesome
energies.
The next tie-in occurs in Moonshadow 8. The beyonder visits the
G'dozans (those powerful smiley-faces) and attempts to have a contest of
power with them. Unfortunately, not only is this the only race in
creation more powerful than him, they are also better at performing
silly and pointless actions. Outgunned in all his specialties, a sad
and bewildered beyonder retreates to a simpler universe to lick his
wounds.
At first, the elves (in Elfquest 9) take him for a human and
debate killing him. The beyonder cleverly grow pointed ears to fool
them, then attends a second contest between Cutter and Rayek. Here, he
speaks to them.
Beyonder: Kill your enemy and all that you desire shall be yours.
Nothing is beyond my power. Anything that you imagine
I can give to you, even the return of the high ones.
At this point, we are treated to a marvel (heh, heh) of
characterization. Cutter (who is currently acting like an elven
psychopath) debates with Rayek (whose dialogue bears no resemblance to
that of previous issues) over the merits of this contest.
Cutter: I say we should just slice him to ribbons!
Rayek: And yet, can such a solution make us truly satisfied?
What, in actuality, is this 'beyonder' being? Could he be
a high one actually returned to us? Perhaps he doth wish,
in actuality, to test our moral imperetives. I canst not
believe that he wishes us to engage in some simplistic
competition of good versus evil. I am torn between that
which I desire to do, and that which shall provide an
exciting action scene.
Cutter: Kill! (snarl) Pant! Howl!
Refreshed by his stay in the world of two moons, the beyonder gains
the confidence to tackle a more ambitious undertaking. He launches himself
into the DC Universe, where he lands in a series that has been re-named in
his honor: Crisis on Infantile Earths. Here, he meets Lois Lane and Lana
Lang, falls deeply in love with them, and grants them both super powers.
Unfortunately, the powers only last for 12 pages, and instead of ending
world hunger, or using their powers to stop the threat of nuclear
extermination, Lois and Lana choose to fight each other. In the end, they
have nothing, and the beyonder goes off to fight Mr. Mxyzptlk.
The imp's first ploy is to use a piece of red beyonderite. This
mysterious relic of the beyonder's home dimension always affects the
beyonder in mysterious and stupid ways. This time, it causes him to grow
into a 90 foot tall version of Jim Shooter. Fortunately, our hero (?) is
rescued by Jimmy Olson, who eats the beyonderite. In thanks, the beyonder
gives Jimmy a magic pocket watch, that will call him in case of emergency.
The crafty fifth-dimensional imp then uses his magic to create a
Bizarro Beyonder. This unusual creation acts only with intelligent
forethough. After a few moments of consideration, he (the BB) banishes the
beyonder from the DC universe forever, sending him to hell.
Hell is, unfortunately, not at all what the beyonder expected.
Everyone there seems to be away at a party, and he loses his pants to a
bearded fellow named Stig. When he attempts to pursue, he is stopped by a
group of beach-blanket-musclemen, who demand that he placate them with a
gift of Visene. The beyonder, exasperated, exterminates everyone on the
beach.
This angers the powers-that-be in hell, who call in their top gun
to deal with this unwanted visitor. Kelvin Mace appears, and in an
irresponsible act of gratuitous violence, blasts several small holes in the
beyonder's body. The beyonder, ignoring the holes in his body, looks up
with wonder on his face.
Beyonder: Gosh, Mr. Mace. You're so . . . senseless. So
irresponsible! I've tried staging pointless fights and
massive violence, but somehow I can never do it as well as
you can. Will you be my role model?
Mace: Get lost. You bore me.
Broken-hearted by this rejection, the beyonder leaves hell, also
known as Niffleheim, Hades, and "the bad place". Bypassing Heaven and
Asgard, he travels on to that eternal realm known only as "Riverdale".
Here at Riverdale High, the beyonder masquerades as an ordinary
high-school student. He seems to get along well here, fitting in with the
uncomplicated existence of the beings who exist in this enchanted realm.
He even goes on a few dates with big Ethel. Unfortunately, the beyonder is
confronted by a being whose mental powers far exceed his own: Moose Miller.
The wise football star examines the story of the beyonder's life,
and poses the following question, which elegantly sums up everything that
has happened so far:
Moose: Duh, if you're so all powerful, why don't you make yourself
intelligent?
The beyonder, realizing that this is the question he has been
seeking all along, knows that he must leave this paradise called Riverdale.
He sets a course across the many universes, seeking the wisest hero to
instruct him in the ways of philosophy. At last, finding what he seeks,
he arrives on the small moon known as "Ylum".
Unexpectedly, he is greeted by an incomprehendable profusion of
beings. Before them, stands a colorfully garbed figure with red goggles,
who announces himself as "Nexus".
Nexus: Hello. I have been expecting you.
Beyonder (confused): Expecting me? But how? My actions are so
disjointed that even *I* don't know what's going to happen
from issue to issue.
Nexus: I saw you coming. I dreamed of you. I watched to destroy an
entire galaxy, just to sell a few magazines.
Beyonder: I did, didn't I? Perhaps that *was* a bit extravagant, but --
The beyonder has no chance to finish, though, as Nexus blasts him
into non-existence. A few last wisps linger in the air for a moment, and
we at last realize that the beyonder really is gone -- this time for good.
Nexus looks up and attempts to justify himself.
Nexus: I had to do it -- it was self defense. There is only a limited
amount of cash in existence, and his series was drawing in far
more than it deserved. Others were already beginning to feel
effects. Look at Starstruck, Timespirits, and even Zot! No,
the beyonder had to be destroyed.
He shakes his head sadly, then -- firming his jaw -- Nexus stares out of
the page with that grim, serious look that he is known for.
Nexus: Sadly, though, even the beyonder was but a pawn. The true
author of these atrocities is someone else entirely. I KNOW
WHO YOU ARE! Do not think that your exalted position or many
worshipers will save you from me. Reform you ways, or be
prepared to face my wrath.
With that, Nexus turns away and strides back to his private quarters.
As the picture fades to gray (in a comic book?) we zoom in on the smoking
remains that were once the beyonder. There in the dust lies a message,
scrawled by some cosmic finger.
(the message): Coming this fall, to Saturday morning . . . Secret
Wars, the animated TV series! Don't miss it!
Jay Parks
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noao!parks@seismo.ARPA :arpanet?