parks@noao.UUCP (Jay Parks) (10/22/85)
And so, it was over. The beyonder, whose power was more than a single
universe could contain, had been exterminated. Now, the only things left
were a few wisps of smoke, and the beyonder's greatest fan -- a man we
shall refer to as "the big S", "the top guy", or merely Jim-bo. Let us
observe this sad and bewildered man . . .
"Why did it have to happen? He was such a *good* character, too.
Well, he was adequate. Ok, maybe the whole concept stunk, but the little
fuc -- I mean -- the young readers liked him."
Jim's mournful strolling takes him into the sub-sub-sub basement of
the great comic building. At last, he arrives at a men's room which was
is unfamiliar to him (and indeed, it is unknown to all the staff -- all but
Irving Forbush. But that is another story . . .)
Feeling the call of nature, Jim makes a fateful decision and steps
inside.
"Dang! All the stalls have out of order signs on them! All except
for this pay toilet. Ah, what the heck! I've got a dime."
But the door swings slowly open to reveal more than some crude
sanitary facility. Inside, there is a huge glowing energy cocoon!
"Holy sh -- oot!" Jim exclaims, realizing that he no longer will
need the facilities he was seeking. "A glowing thingie!"
Quickly, a team of crack writers and artists are assembled. After
changing his pants, the editor-in-chief convenes a discussion.
"Well," famous artist, writer, inker, penciler, scripter, and general
handyman, John Bryne begins, "this immeasurably powerful artifact was
obviously overlooked for so long simply because it was located in such an
out-of-the-way spot. Our first order of business is to discover what is
inside. I would suggest using an energy probe of some kind . . ."
"Can it, Byrne," Jim crisply orders. "I'm in charge here. Does
anybody have a knife? Good, let's carve this sucker open!"
Without regard for aesthetics, Jim begins wildly flaying at the
mysterious glowing thingamabob. In mere moments, the contents are laid
bare for all to see.
"It can't be!" Jim shouts. "The Beyonder! But . . . you're dead! We
saw you vaporized at the end of the last series!"
The beyonder smiles, as if there were nothing at all unusual about
being found in an abandoned men's room. With a sense of wonder, the
audience realized that perhaps this is not at all strange -- for a being
like . . . THE BEYONDER!
"You thought I was dead, but as you can see, you were wrong. I am not
really certain that I even CAN die (at least, not as long as my sales are
good)."
"But we saw you vaporized! How did you escape?"
"Ah, that was not actually me. My form was being imitated by an
earthling -- I believe you knew him as Rich Little. He merely took my
place for a while. This, of course, renders all of those episodes rather
silly and meaningless, but hey! We're here to make money, right?"
John Byrne, ever the stickler for detail, wonders about the unusual
cocoon they have discovered. "Mr. Beyonder, can you explain how you came
to be imprisoned in such an, um, unusual way?"
With a slight look of embarrassment, the beyonder begins his tale.
"It's rather simple really. I'm surprised you didn't figure it out
for yourselves. You see, I was strolling along in this remote hallway,
when I felt the need to relieve myself. Even my vast beyonder power can
not eliminate waste material."
"No, in fact," one of the authors says, looking snidely at Jim-bo,
"one might say that the beyonder power *produces* such material."
"Yes, quite." The beyonder, alas, is not clever enough to spot the
jibe. "Anyway, I had just finished, when I began to pull off the toilet
paper. The darn stuff just kept rolling off the spool! I had no way to
stop it. I suspect that someone mounted it the wrong way around. Anyway,
before I knew what was happening, I was completely covered in loops and
loops of toilet paper. In seconds, my beyonder power had infused the
whitish mass, forming into a vast energy cocoon."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard --"
"Wonderful!" Jim-bo shouts, interrupting the critic. "My boy (for you
are like a son unto me), you're back! Oh, I've such big plans! First we
must do Secret Wars IV, then a guest appearance in _Marvel_Fanfare_, then
perhaps an appearance on Donnahue, then . . ."
The cast mills around for a while before leaving. At last, only one
is left -- The Watcher (although, how it is that he wasn't noticed earlier,
I'll never know).
"And so it is that a mighty figure is reborn." He sniffs a few times.
"Say, does something smell in here? No matter. From the ashes of death, a
heroic being is reborn -- in the men's room of Marvel Comics. Kind of
symbolic, when you think of it." He sniffs a few more times. "Really,
this whole idea is pretty horrible, but I had to stop in to watch. Things
are pretty slow over in the Kree galaxy right now. Anyway, for my classic
wrap up speech:
"Yes, the beyonder could have died a human being, but for the sales
it was necessary that he remain -- a god!"
A submission in extremely poor taste,
Jay Parks
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